Black and White House

In an attempt to defuse the controversy over his recent racist Tweets, President Trump has appeared live on US TV wearing black face. “Look, it’s intended as a celebration of black culture,” a spokesperson for the White House claimed in the wake of Trump’s extraordinary performance. “There is absolutely no way that a man putting boot polish on his face and performing several traditional minstrel songs could be construed as racist. To be frank, anyone who sees any kind of disrespectful racial overtones here is the one with the problem.” The President’s performance took the media completely by surprise, with the event having been announced simply as a normal White House press conference. To the amazement of the gathered press corps and TV viewers across the United States, Mr Trump appeared with his face blacked up, wearing a straw boater and carrying a banjo, proceeding to perform a number of songs including ‘Old Dan Tucker’ and ‘Jump Jim Crow’. Onlookers were further astonished as Trump was joined by a blacked up Mike Pompeo for a slapstick sketch which culminated in the Secretary of State receiving a pie to the face. Theo whole routine was met by stunned silence on the part of the assembled journalists. “I just couldn’t believe what we’d just seen,” one reporter later commented. “I mean, after telling those four Congresswomen, all women of colour and US citizens, that they should ‘go back to where they came from’ if they didn’t like the USA, you’d have thought that he’d be looking to placate public opinion, not inflame it with the sort of racial stereotypes that haven’t been deemed acceptable for decades now.”

The performance, however, wasn’t over, with Trump advisor Kellyanne Conway taking to the stage with what appeared to be a bowl of fruit on her head, belting out a Carmen Miranda number. She was quickly followed by Vice President Mike Spence dressed as a Native American, performing a war dance, before National Security Advisor John Bolton, wearing a coolie hat and fake buck teeth, performed a Chinese magic act. “It’s all about inclusiveness,” the White House spokesperson explained. “The President wanted to show the world that his administration respects and celebrates the cultures of all of the ethnic minorities who make up the American nation. Except the Mexicans. Obviously.” Despite such explanations, the whole performance has been widely condemned by Democrats, who have described it as ‘crass’ and ‘insensitive’. “Quite frankly, anybody who finds that sort of thing offensive is un-American,” retorts conservative radio talk show host ‘Big Joe’ Smollek, a notable Trump supporter. “Don’t these bleeding heart Liberals know their history? Black face minstrel shows are an integral part of US culture – they brought black culture into the mainstream. It helped acclimatise white audiences to the idea of black people – many of those city folks in the nineteenth century had never seen a real black person and those shows presented them as non-threatening.” Smollek defended the use of white performers blacked up instead of real black people by claiming that actual black people of the era were far too busy doing proper jobs, like picking cotton, to be ‘prancing about on stage’. “The fact is that, before our minds were poisoned by these damn snowflakes, we were so proud of our black face tradition that when Hollywood made its first talkie, it was the subject matter they showcased,” he declared. “And let’s not forget that Al Jolson was Jewish – so if you don’t like him in black face then you are clearly some kind of God damned anti-Semite!”

Smollek has also defended Trump’s original Tweets. “Just because those women are US citizens doesn’t mean to say that that they can’t be sent ‘back where they came from,” he opines. “Sure, I know that most of them were born in the USA – but were their parents? Were they immigrants?” Warming to his theme, the shock jock went on to claim that there was a whole wave of hidden immigration, in the form of the unborn children of immigrants. “They’re smuggling them in as foetuses, or even just a gleam in their parents eyes,” he says. “Our immigration authorities need to get tougher on these people, insisting on pregnancy tests and ultra scans before letting them into the country, otherwise, before we know it, we’ll be overrun with babies of a foreign origin.” Smollek’s critics have pointed out that most Americans of ethnic origin are themselves the children of US citizens, whose families have lived in the US for several generations. “That’s the cunning thing about it – by making out sure that their children are born in the USA, they ensure that they are US citizens! It’s self-perpetuating,” declares Smollek. “What we need to start doing is, every time one of these types starts getting uppity, is to trace their lineage back to the first of their ancestors who came here and send them back to wherever their country of origin was!”

Reaction in the UK to Trump’s astounding minstrel show has been one of incredulity, with leading politicians roundly condemning it as being, at the very least, an ill advised attempt to divert attention from his original outburst. Nevertheless, some commentators have claimed that British politics aren’t immune to similar racially-charged occurrences, pointing to the conduct of Tory leadership contender Boris Johnson during his brief tenure as Foreign Secretary. “There have been persistent rumours that once attended a meeting of African leaders completely blacked up and wearing full Zulu warrior dress, complete with spear and shield,” says Sunday Bystander Foreign Correspondent Philip Bottler. “When challenged on his conduct, he allegedly claimed that he thought that he felt that he hadn’t looked ‘foreign’ enough as Foreign Secretary and that he had just wanted to put the Africans at ease, fearing that otherwise their natural deference to white people might make them reticent about speaking their minds.” The Foreign Office has denied that any such incident ever took place, adding that Mr Johnson – who once described black people as ‘grinning piccanninies in a newspaper article – had definitely not ordered fresh watermelon to be served at lunch during the meeting.