Blue Energy

While world leaders have been gathering in Glasgow for the COP26 summit, to try and thrash out strategies for combatting climate change, attendees at a less publicised climate crisis meeting have been hearing how Britain’s police and politicians could be harnessed to produce green energy. Speaking at the East Clacton Conference for Alternative energy Developers, Dr Harry Fartwell of the Fartwell Energy Institute, proposed using police brutality to generate electricity. “Just imagine the electricity we could generate if only we could attach some sort of generator to the arms of police officers as they beat protestors and the like with their batons – and it would all be green as no fossil fuels would be involved,” he told the conference. “I reasoned that it must be possible, after all, devices that can generate power from the movements of waves at sea have been developed. Something similar, surely, could be adapted for the human body?”

Fartwell, who claims that he got the idea of using police violence from watching television news coverage of the Metropolitan Police’s handling of various peaceful climate change protests, told delegates that he had successfully developed such a device. “It attaches to the arms of an officer, using the beating motion of those limbs as they wield batons , truncheons and shields against the public, to generate an electrical charge,” he explained. “You’d be surprised how much energy can be produced this way and used to charge batteries carried on their belts. These batteries can, in turn, be used to power household or office devices, cutting the need for mains power generated by polluting fossil fuels.” If the arm generators are successful, the scientist has proposed the introduction of leg mounted versions, to capture the energy generated by officers kicking protestors and suspects when they are on the ground.

But Fartwell, who received a standing ovation from the fifteen delegates attending the conference, isn’t prepared to stop with using just the police as a means of generating clean electricity. “Tory MPs would surely be another good source of green, or in their case, blue, electricity,” he opined to The Sleaze, when we interviewed him at his eponymous institute, whixh is based in a large shed in the back garden of his Wanstead semi. “All the adulterous behaviour they get up to, for instance, not to mention the alleged rapes and sexual assaults, could be a valuable source of power. Just hook them up so all that shagging motion is converted into energy – damn it Johnson’s fat buttocks alone must look like the Atlantic Ocean in a storm when the fat shagger gets at it!” To this end, Fartwell has been working on adapting the ‘nodding duck’ type generating system originally developed to generate power from waves at sea. “As you can see, this is essentially a miniaturised version of thst system, designed to capture energy from the rippling of the buttocks during intercourse,” he says as he shows us his prototype. “Obviously, that presupposes that the subject is doing it in the conventional missionary position, or even doggy style. Of course, if the woman is on top, these devices could be attached to her buttocks. Alternatively, for other positions, they could be attached to the woman’s breasts – depending on size, their jiggling could generate considerable amounts of electricity.”

Unlike the proposed police generators, these sex-based devices could deliver their power direct to the national grid, via a mains hook up, in much the same way that domestically generated solar power can be sold to the grid. Warming to his theme, the scientist proposes expanding on the idea of hooking up the Tory mistresses to produce electricity. “That’s the thing, the Tory bastards don’t even have to generate electricity directly – just hook up the arms of their dominatrices so that when they whip them or spank them, they are keeping the lights on in Camden,” he enthuses. “Actually, you could also use the MPs’ quivering buttocks as they are struck with whips, riding crops, canes and the like to simultaneously generate wave energy.” Indeed, Fartwell claims to already have had preliminary talks with the proprietors of several of London’s top brothels and dungeons with a view to utilising his devices. “Most of them were very positive about the idea of their activities generating enough power to make them self-sufficient in electricity terms,” he says. “If nothing else, they could generate enough power to recharge all of their various electrically powered devices without recourse to using the mains – that alone could bring them significant savings on their energy bills.”

Fartwell also has a second strategy for generating electricity from Tory MPs, which he outlined to us during his interview. “We might also try harnessing their corruption – that motion with the right arm as they stuff the brown envelopes stuffed full of used banknotes into their inside pockets as they take their regular backhanders from Russian oligarchs and multinationals, could be a powerful source of energy generation,” says the energy expert. “In fact, we could also extend this to Tory local councillors – the amount of alleged graft that goes on with regard to stuff like planning permission and building contracts could generate enough electricity to power many small towns.” Fartwell speculated that these methods might also be profitably applied to the police. Not everyone, however, is convinced by Fartwell’s plans. While broadly welcoming the scientist’s innovative approach to producing green energy, Labour Energy Spokesperson Artie Guffmore has serious reservations as to the actual methods proposed. “While, on the surface, this might look like a perfect solution to the climate crisis, producing green electricity without putting the costs on ordinary citizens, my problem is that it relies on continued large scale misconduct on the part of the Tories,” he explains. “In fact, it could be argued that it actually gives the Tories an excuse not to clean up their act, instead justifying their sexual misconduct and corruption on the grounds that it is saving the planet. As long as Boris can boast that the ripples on his wobbling cheeks can’t create enough waves to power half of London, then he’s just going to carry on shagging any woman unfortunate enough to have sufficiently low esteem to let him anywhere near them.”