Three Line Whipping

“It was horrible” The way his face was contorted his expression looked like a cross between disgust, horror and ecstasy! Worst of all, he still had his todger grasped between his cold dead fingers,” says House of Commons security guard Tom Prinkler, describing the sight which greeted him and his colleagues after they forced entry to the office of Tory MP Sir Toby Squeers. “The whole scene was appalling – there was jism all over the walls and ceiling, some of it still warm and dripping. As for his laptop, which was open in front of him on the desk, well, it had a browser window open to some of the perviest hardcore porn I’ve ever seen!” The death of Squeers, discovered after his staff had become worried after he had been locked in his office for several hours, unresponsive to any attempts to contact him, has sent shockwaves through Westminster. “It seemed obvious that he had OD’d on hardcore internet porn,” Prinkler told Westminster tabloid Hansard Unexpurgated. “When we checked the search history on that laptop, it was nothing but filth – every perversion known to man and a few more besides. He seemed to have spent every minute he wasn’t in the chamber masturbating to it until his heart gave out!”

The initial consensus was that the MP had finally found a web site packed with pornography so extreme that, while masturbating to it, he had experienced an orgasm so powerful that it triggered a massive heart attack. “I mean, all that jism showed that he’d definitely reached the vinegar stroke – one of epic proportions. It must have been like a fire hose going off,” opines Prinkler. “There was a lot of talk that he’d exposed himself to so much pornography that he had built up a tolerance and had to find ever more extreme forms in order to continue getting an orgasm.” There was much speculation that Squeers’ porn dependence was a result of his having been reprimanded for sexual harassment of female staff a few years previously. “Knowing that he would probably face criminal charges if he groped any more women, he instead channelled his energies into getting his kicks from porn,” muses Prinkler. “But it just took over his life – he stopped holding surgeries in his constituency and was attending debates and votes in the House of Commons less and less.” Suspicions have been raised, however, that Squeers’ bizarre death was, in fact, suicide.

“His part in the Tory sleaze scandal was about to be exposed,” explains Labour back bencher Ralph Waxbottom. “He was up to his neck in it and it would have proven hugely embarrassing both for himself and the Tory party – even more embarrassing than the revelation that a long-serving Tory MP had spent years whacking off to porn on his official laptop, in his Commons’ office.” According to Waxbottom, Squeers’s method of suicide was carefully chosen, to distract attention away from his true misdemeanours. “By wanking himself to death while watching some of the filthiest porn in existence, he hoped to cast himself as a victim of extreme porn, in the process giving a boost to campaigns by some of his colleagues to have this sort of stuff banned,” he says. “But in reality, he wasn’t a victim – he was actually one of the people producing this sort of filth!” The Labour MP claims that the story of Squeers’ secret life as one of Westminster’s top pornographers was about to break. “I have it on good authority that the Sunday Bystander was about to run the story when Squeers died,” he alleges. “But obviously, in the wake of what at the time was considered a tragedy, they held off.”

What would have made the story especially explosive was the detail that Squeers hadn’t just been producing adult films, but that he had been renting out his offices to film crews as a location for their smutty shoots. Waxbottom claims that his contact at the Sunday Bystander newspaper had shown him some of the footage they had retrieved during their investigation. “It was shocking stuff, with naked actors at it in what was quite clearly Squeers’ office,” he says. “They were doing it everywhere, on the desk, under the desk, the lot.” Most shockingly, Squeers himself appears in the video, titled Three Line Whip. “He might have a false moustache on, but it is clearly him playing the MP who bends an opposition colleague across his desk and takes her roughly from behind,” Waxbottom recalls. “He’s thrusting so hard that I swear the desk moves six inches across the floor – all the time he’s doing her, he’s shouting ‘How do you like my a member of the opposition?’ It all culminates with the ‘Chief Whip’ turning up and giving him ‘three lines’ across the buttocks.”

The scandal doesn’t end with Squeers’ renting out of his office for porn shoots – allegedly, in collusion with corrupt security staff, he was also involved in getting adult film makers access to the Commons chamber itself for use as a location. “Incredibly, there’s a market for this sort of Parliamentary themed porn,” Waxbottom reveals. “So film makers are prepared to pay big money for access to authentic locations, where they shoot their filth out of hours.” The Labour MP claims to have seen portions of a production entitled Black Rod’s Revenge, for which Squeers had allegedly been instrumental in getting access to the House of Commons . “Well, it does feature a character called ‘Black Rod’ and he is black and he does pack quite a ‘rod’, but he certainly doesn’t follow any parliamentary procedure that I’m familiar with,” he says. “After the Commons’ door is slammed in his face, for instance, he smashes it down with his huge erect member, before terrorising MPs – especially the female ones – with his ‘rod’. I mean, it isn’t just sexually offensive, but racist as well. Eventually he’s defeated by some buff naked bloke swinging the mace!”

Squeers allegedly made hundreds of thousands from his parliamentary porn related businesses, which included not just the backhanders he received for providing illegal access to parliamentary facilities, but also from distributing it via a chain of pay sites set up under a number of false identities. “It’s been rumoured that the only reason that the police hadn’t intervened was that any investigation would have uncovered the fact that he was involving various of his Tory parliamentary colleagues to also participate in these productions,” says Waxbottm. “Apparently many of them were more than happy to pay considerable sums for the opportunity to illicitly grab some attractive ass, not to mention breasts. What Tory could resist shafting a few porn stars, their identities protected by false facial hair? Apparently it went right to the top of the party and exposing it would have made their current corruption scandals look like a vicarage tea party by comparison.”