Total Bollocks Returns

Welsh crooner Tom Jones has found himself coming under fire from several sources. His attempts to move into rap and hip hop have apparently met with a hostile reaction from several top US rap artists. However, Dr Dre has denied that protégé Eminem chainsawed a giant replica of Welsh crooner Tom Jones’ penis to pieces during a recent performance in Philadelphia as a protest at Jones’ latest album. “Its all a misunderstanding – the penis represented his no-good crack whore momma,” Dre is rumoured to have explained. Meanwhile, back in Britain, there have been allegations that Jones blatantly exploited his female fans during his early years by collecting up the knickers thrown at him during performances, washing and ironing them, and the selling them on a market stall at Pontypridd market every Saturday. The performer has vehemently denied this and other allegations that whilst working as a door to door vacuum cleaner salesman, he had sexually harassed vulnerable housewives by offering to demonstrate his ‘powerful suction’ and ‘three-piece extendable hose with special twin action head ’. Furthermore, he has categorically denied that his vacuum cleaner demonstrations ever involved him persuading potential female customers to strip off, then showering them with cocaine (on the pretext that it was ‘Shake and Vac’) before sucking it off of them with his nose.

The final threat to the Sex Bomb from the Valleys has come from fellow Brit singer Robbie Williams, who has allegedly been boasting that his penis is superior to Tom’s. According to newspaper reports Robbie made the comparison after he and Jones were standing side by side at the urinals in the gents toilet of a Fishguard pub. “His was old and wrinkly, and his pubes were grey and greasy – you’d think he’d at least get them dyed,” the mischievous Stoke singer has denied saying. Contrary to press reports, Jones did not retort that “it was a bloody cold day boyo”, and did not comment “at least I can still get mine up naturally, despite nearly fifty years of alcohol abuse and constant shagging – I’ve heard that Robbie’s cock is so shot to pieces from drugs and booze, he has to lacquer it to get it to stand upright!” Robbie Williams’ management have dismissed claims that the singer is simply jealous of Tom Jones’ old man, and have described reports that he has gone so far as to paint his own knob orange in imitation of Jones’ member as “outrageous lies”.

Williams’ arch nemesis, rock hard man Liam Gallagher, reportedly cleared the whole ground floor of a Croyden branch of ‘Woolworths’ with a huge beer-fuelled fart. Although Gallagher’s management has denied this report, claiming that it is “pure fabrication…probably made up by Damon Albarn or Robbie Williams”, we have it on good authority that at least three people had to be taken to hospital. One, an eighty-seven year old granny, is still on a respirator. In a breaking development, police have denied that they have launched a nationwide search for pretentious rock bang Radiohead who, they say, have not been missing for the last forty-eight hours. Some claim that the band, last seen in Oxford, have been abducted by aliens, but a more popular and credible theory is that they have simply disappeared up their own arseholes. Finally, guess which popular UK Garage star was arrested by police after being caught masturbating in front of the baboons enclosure at Bristol Zoo? Well, you are just going to have to keep on guessing as we’re too shit-scared of being sued to tell you.

If you have any unsubstantiated rumours, grainy videos, out of focus and obviously faked photos or dubious tape recordings concerning the debauched behaviour of celebrities, send them to us at the usual e-mail address. Remember, just because its not true doesn’t mean its a lie, it could just be – Total Bollocks!