Total Bollocks

Indiana Jones actor Harrison Ford has been quick to deny reports that he has recently been spotted in a number of sleazy New York strip clubs, ogling the performers and shoving ten dollar bills down the cracks of their arses. Indeed, according to the sixtysomething swinger, the real culprit has been a New Jersey meat-packer named Bob, who bears an uncanny resemblance to Ford. “He’s like some kind of evil doppelganger – forever undermining my reputation,” says Ford, who claims that not only has ‘Bob’ been impersonating him in strip clubs and brothels all over New York State, but also starred in several unsuccessful movies attributed to Ford, including K-19, Regarding Henry and What Lies Beneath. “As if I’d make crap like that – even I’ve got standards! He’ll be hearing from my lawyers!” Ford apparently hopes to obtain a court order forcing ‘Bob’ to have compulsory plastic surgery. However, meat-packer Bob Blowstick of Hoboken has launched a counter-claim against Harrison Ford, accusing him of defamation. “Thanks to that bastard, my wife is threatening to divorce me after seeing newspaper pictures of someone looking like me hanging out in strip joints,” he rages. “Who does this guy think he is, stealing my identity so he can visit tittie bars with impunity?” Witnesses to Ford/Bob’s activities remain mystified as to the real identity of the nudie show enthusiast. “I don’t know if his name was Bob, but he sure as hell could pack meat,” observes prostitute Candy Nugg, who once thought that she had provided Harrison Ford with personal services, but is now not so certain. What does seem certain, is that if Ford’s legal action proves successful, a number of other Hollywood stars are likely to follow his example and take action against the evil lookalikes who have been dogging their careers for years. According to industry sources, Val Kilmer is planning to accuse a Wisconsin tyre re-groover named Ned of having impersonated him in just about every film he has allegedly made since The Doors, as well as a bogus marriage to Joanne Whalley-Kilmer.

Meanwhile, back in the UK, Buckingham Palace has strenuously denied suggestions that Prince William was propositioned by an older gay man last summer during a shooting party on a private estate in Wiltshire, and had to seek police protection when his admirer became enraged by his rejection . A major security alert was allegedly triggered when the Prince’s sports car was pursued by a Range Rover – reportedly driven by the estate’s owner, seventy-eight year old Lord Trent, brandishing a double-barrelled shotgun – in a high speed chase along the estate’s private roads. However, a spokesman for Lord Trent, who was eventually arrested by police, denied any suggestions that the peer had made any improper suggestions to the Prince. “It was all a huge misunderstanding. His Lordship never told the Prince that he wanted to take him to a local gay bar, nor did he suggest any improper sexual acts. Having heard that His Highness shared his enthusiasm for modern beat music, he was merely quoting the lyrics to zany American rhythm combo Electric Six‘s most recent hit – ‘I’d like to take you to the gay bar, gay bar. I’ve got something in you, at the gay bar, gay bar’. It is an easy mistake to make,” explained Lord Trent’s secretary. “His Lordship knows the lyrics to all of Electric Six‘s hits – ‘Gay Bar’, ‘Danger, High Voltage’ and that other one, you know…” Whilst the police who originally stopped Lord Trent at first attributed the incident to road rage, believing that Lord Trent had mistakenly thought that Prince William had cut him up and mooned at him whilst pulling away from his own stables, they later accepted his explanation that he had merely been trying to catch up with the Prince to return the shotgun that William had inadvertently left behind at the shoot. “I admired the way he handled it, gripping it with both hands and displaying a firm cocking action,” he told the officers. “Just like his father, he seems more than capable of handling both barrels at once.”

Finally, UK government sources have categorically denied that the Prime Minister has been in talks with President Bush to establish an international agency aimed at the early detection of lesbianism in famous women. Alarmed by the number of favourite celebrity pin-ups who had turned gay in recent years – including Ellen De Generes, kd lang and Samantha Fox – Tony Blair had been said to have been considering using the combined intelligence resources of the West to monitor his other favourite actresses and entertainers for signs of impending lesbianism. “At no time has it ever been suggested that satellite imagery, communications intercepts or close surveillance be used to see if Jodie Foster or Callista Flockheart have taken to wearing comfortable shoes,” said a Downing Street spokesman.

If you have any unsubstantiated rumours, grainy videos, out of focus and obviously faked photos or dubious tape recordings concerning the debauched behaviour of celebrities, send them to us at the usual e-mail address. Remember, just because its not true doesn’t mean its a lie, it could just be – Total Bollocks!