Celebrity Crime Time

OK, with a new year upon us, we’ve decided to kick off 2013 with a fabulous topical competition! Since Jimmy Savile was revealed as an evil slavering sex pest who apparently molested tens of thousands of men, women, children and probably livestock on BBC premises during the 1970s, the roll call of old time washed up celebrities being pulled in by the Old Bill on suspicion of kiddie-fiddling related offences seems to grow on a daily basis. Racist and sexist self-styled comedian Jim Davidson is the latest to be ‘nick nicked’ by the Boys in Blue, but we’ve already seen Gary Glitter, Freddie Starr, Dave Lee Travis, Max Clifford, Ray Teret and Stuart Hall having their collars felt in connection with ‘historical’ sexual offences. (Just what does that term mean? Is an ‘historical’ sexual offence one where the perpetrator dresses up as, say, Henry the Eighth, before buggering their victim?)

Whilst it is important to remember that everyone is innocent until proven guilty, it should be remembered that celebrities have a long history of criminal activity. Brit celebs alone have committed (or been accused of) their fair share of crimes. Oscar Wilde went to Reading Jail for buggery, the multi-untalented Johnny Vaughn did time for drug offences, Stephen Fry for credit card fraud and Lord Archer for perjury and generally being a tosser. Moreover, who could forget the cheese-stealing spree of alleged celebrity chef Anthony Worral Thompson, Justin Lee Collins’ domestic violence conviction or Hugh Grant’s attempts to solicit cross dressing hookers in LA? Indeed, the other side of the Atlantic has produced more than its fair share of famous felons, with many well-known US celebrities having stood trial or even served time for various crimes and misdemeanours. ‘Wall of Sound’ produce Phil Spector, of course, is currently serving time for murder, whilst Robert Mitchum famously did time for possession of dope. Jerry Lee Lewis, although not actually arrested, was run out of Britain in the 1960s when it was found that he had married his twelve year old cousin – those crazy degenerate colonials, don’t they know that sort of thing is only for Royalty and the landed gentry?

So, for our fun-filled competition, all you have to do is match up the celebrity to the crime. It’s very simple, we’ve given you a list of eight celebrities (labelled A to H), and a list of eight crimes (labelled 1 to 8). If, for example, you think Charles Bronson (Celeb B) has ever exposed himself to schoolchildren (crime 7), just put down B-7. Keep doing this until you’ve matched each celeb to each crime and send your choices to The Sleaze. Remember, if you get it wrong and accuse the wrong celeb of the wrong crime, you could be sued for libel! If you get it right, you could win a fabulous prize (but probably not as we’re totally skint – OK maybe I’ll send you a porn pic from my private collection, but don’t bank on it). Good luck!

CRIME 1: PROCURING YOUNG BOYS FOR IMMORAL PURPOSES

CRIME 2: CORRUPTING THE MORALS OF NOVICE NUNS

CRIME 3: DEFECATING ON THE QUEEN’S HIGHWAY WITHOUT SHOUTING A PRIOR WARNING

CRIME 4: PERFORMING SIMULATED FELLATIO ON AN EFFIGY OF CHRIST ON THE CROSS

CRIME 5: FRAUDULENTLY OBTAINING OLD AGE PENSIONERS FOR SEXUAL PURPOSES

CRIME 6: MASTURBATION IN A PUBLIC PLACE WITHOUT THE PROPER PERMIT

CRIME 7: INDECENT EXPOSURE IN A CHILDREN’S PLAY GROUP

CRIME 8: DEADLY ASSAULT WITH A VIBRATOR

CELEB A: JACK BENNY

CELEB B: CHARLES BRONSON

CELEB C: CLIFF RICHARD

CELEB D: JOHN WAYNE

CELEB E: CHUCK NORRIS

CELEB F: ANGELINA JOLIE

CELEB G: HEATH LEDGER

CELEB H: AMY WINEHOUSE

As a disclaimer, we’d like to point out that we might have made some of those crimes up. Not in the sense that no such crime has ever occurred, but that it might not have been committed by any of the listed celebrities. Or any celebrity, for that matter.

Also, in the interests of avoiding legal action, we’d like to point out that we inadvertently published the wrong results of our last competition, where we asked you to match up the celebrities on our list with the close-up pictures of genitalia either being inserted into unusual objects, or having unusual objects inserted into them. Obviously, it should have read: A – Hugh Edwards, B – Jessie J, C – Michael McIntyre, D – Fanny Craddock and E – Fearne Cotton. Unfortunately we originally transposed Fanny Craddock and Hugh Edwards, for which we unreservedly apologise.