The Devil and Paul McCartney

Former Beatle Sir Paul McCartney’s mysteriously age-defying good looks have long been the source of speculation in the pop world. Whilst contemporaries such as David Bowie, Mick Jagger and Elton John have visibly aged, becoming wrinkled and stooped as the years have gone by, Sir Paul has barely changed. There have been many explanations for this phenomena, including the musician’s vegetarian diet, smoking huge quantities of pot or even secret tantric sex techniques taught to him by the Maharishi back in 1967. However, one man has a far more sinister explanation for Sir Paul’s apparently eternal youth – a Satanic pact which has resulted in McCartney being forced to murder some of pop’s top performers in return for his immortal soul! “The fact is that Paul McCartney did die in October 1966 in a moped accident – but as his soul floated in limbo, he did a deal with the Devil,” declares Ed Melons, a Staffordshire van driver and editor of the Wings of Death website, which is devoted to chronicling McCartney’s demonic activities. “Not only was he allowed to return to Earth, but he was guaranteed prosperity, creativity and youth beyond his wildest dreams!” In return, according to Melons, the Devil wanted Paul’s soul, but the musician thought he could outwit the Prince of Darkness. “He struck a deal that if he could provide Satan with a soul a year until he reached the age of sixty four, then he’d get his own soul back,” says the van driver, who contends that McCartney’s songs are peppered with veiled references to the pact. “In the meantime, his soul was to be hidden in a brown paper bag inside the zoo – the walrus enclosure at London Zoo, to be precise!” Inside the bag is a vinyl record on which McCartney’s true voice – cracked and quavering with age – can be heard performing every song he has recorded since 1966. “The voice on the released versions remains uncannily youthful sounding, albeit rather soulless!” observes Melons. The rapid deterioration in Sir Paul’s appearance since he turned sixty four has led Melons to speculate that his soul has fallen into the clutches of his estranged wife, Heather McCartney. “She’s now using it as a bargaining chip in the divorce, threatening to smash it if he doesn’t pay up,” says Melons.

According to Melons, McCartney’s efforts to keep his devilish pact on track lead to him being behind virtually every mysterious death to have occurred in the world of pop since 1966. “At first he tried to stick to people on the peripheries, rather than taking out performers, so as not to risk drawing attention to himself,” he claims. “But he couldn’t resist the temptation to kill two birds with one stone and get rid of some of the professional competition for long.” Close friend and Guinness heir Tara Browne became his first sacrificial victim in December 1966, when he apparently drove his car through a red light, into the side of a van. Paul quickly reaped the rewards of this ‘accident’, entering the creative phase which would produce the Sgt Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band album. “It was all coming together for him – he was finally eclipsing John Lennon as the main creative force in the Beatles and he was shagging Jane Asher,” says Melons. “He was so pleased with himself and the deal he’d struck with the Devil that he couldn’t resist putting an allusion to it on the album in the form of ‘When I’m Sixty Four’ – none of the other Beatles suspected a thing.” Other, increasingly famous, victims followed: Brian Epstein in 1967; Brian Jones in 1969; Jimi Hendrix in 1970 and Jim Morrison in 1971. “Epstein had to go as part of Paul’s plan to gain complete control of the Beatles,” explains Melons. “Obviously, the death of Brian Jones was designed to destabilise long-term rivals The Rolling Stones, leaving the way clear for Wings to establish themselves as the top band of the early 1970s!” Indeed, Melons is convinced that McCartney’s entire post-Beatles career was founded on the Satanic pact of 1966. “How else do you explain the chart success of Wings?” he asks. “Blood sacrifices and demonic possession are surely the only way that the likes of ‘The Pipes of Peace’ or the ‘Frog Song’ could ever sell any copies.”

However, McCartney found it increasingly difficult to meet his quota of souls as colleagues in the music business began to suspect his involvement in the increasingly high profile celebrity deaths. “John Lennon had long been suspicious of Paul’s post-Beatles success, but it was the knocking off of Elvis which finally convinced him,” reveals Melons. “He remembered that Paul had once described The King as being ‘full of shit’ – the next thing anyone knew, Elvis was dead on the toilet from chronic constipation!” With Lennon now threatening to reveal all, he inevitably became a target for his former band mate. Lennon’s demise in 1980 sent shockwaves through the remaining Beatles, with drummer Ringo Starr barricading himself into his mansion with a ten year supply of alcohol and a shotgun, whilst George Harrison attempted to protect himself within a wall of meditation and positive energy. “George managed to stave off McCartney’s attacks for several years,” says Melons. “No matter what supernatural threat Paul threw at him, he managed to survive – even that demonically possessed loony who broke into his house and tried to stab him that time!” Maintaining his psychic defences took their toll on Harrison, and he finally succumbed to illness in 2001. As he finally approached sixty four, McCartney found himself facing a new threat – the succubus known as Heather Mills McCartney. “Basically, she’d done her own deal with the Devil – who was still sore at the way McCartney had tried to cheat him out of his soul – in exchange for stopping Paul’s murder spree short of his sixty fourth birthday, she’d get her leg back,” claims Melons. “Ironically, though, she too decided to try and double cross the Devil!” Deciding that a divorce settlement of several million pounds was preferable to a leg, Heather McCartney managed to locate and steal Paul’s soul. “She’s already put a couple of scratches in it as a warning as to what will happen if he doesn’t go along with her plans for the divorce settlement,” Melons asserts. “The effects have been shocking – one minute he was the dynamic rocker we all knew and loved, the next he was this wizened old man sporting a bad hair piece! Just imagine the consequences if she destroys the record completely!” Neither Sir Paul nor his estranged wife have been prepared to comment on Melons’ bizarre claims, although an acquaintance of the ex-Beatle has stated that: “On the whole I think Paul prefers the nutters who think he’s dead – at least they don’t think he’s a murderer!”