Foreign Sex Aid

The Oxfam scandal, in which some of the charity’s foreign aid workers have been accused of using sex workers in disaster zones, even exchanging aid for sex, has taken a bizarre new turn, with some of its UK charity shops finding themselves under fire for refusing to supply similar services. “It’s bloody outrageous,” complains Crapchester resident Artie Foulkes, describing his visit to the his local Oxfam branch. “I offered to give the assistant in there a damn good tug off in exchange for a second hand set of occasional tables and the manager called the police! I mean, what’s their problem? I think that it was a very fair offer in view of the age and ugliness of the assistant – what did he want, a reach around or something? The tables certainly weren’t worth that – I’d have expected at least a couple of vases or a clock thrown in for that!” Luckily for Foulkes, the police released him with only a warning after he explained that it was all a misunderstanding. “After all that stuff I’d been reading in the papers, I just assumed that was what they were about,” he explains. “I thought that if they bartered aid for sex in the Third World then they’d accept sexual favours in lieu of cash in their shops.”

Neville Loogie, manager of the Crapchester Oxfam shop has been at pains to emphasise that sex is not accepted as a means of payment in his, or any other charity shop. “Sadly, this hasn’t been an isolated incident,” he revealed to local paper the Crapchester Chronicle. “I’d like to take this opportunity to quite categorically state that our second hand clothing is most certainly not available in exchange for a golden shower. Only current UK legal tender will be accepted.” But the problems caused by the news reports haven’t been confined to people attempting to pay for goods with sex at Oxfam shops, some have found themselves besieged by sex hungry punters hoping to pay for the services of shop assistants – often in exchange for second hand goods. “We did have this bloke come in with half a dozen dog eared paperbacks to donate to the shop who expected a full on sex session in return,” says Loogie. “But thankfully, that was a one off, although I have heard of other branches experiencing far more numerous incidents of the kind.”

Indeed, one charity shop has found itself under threat of legal action from one customer to whom they refused sex in return for an old gas fire. “I went in there expecting to be ravished amongst the dusty lampshades and musty old trouser racks by some hunky aid worker freshly returned from Africa,” says fifty eight year old Ingrid Runt. “But when I went into my local branch, they refused point blank to offer me sex, asking me leave and take my gas fire with me. Which, to be honest, was a bit of relief when I saw the staff in there – not one a day under seventy and utterly decrepit to a man, The only way I would have gotten stiffed there would have been if they short changed me.” A spokesperson for the branch in question has issued a statement defending its actions, pointing out that even if they did offer sex as a service, none of their staff were medically fit for such activities. Plus, Miss Runt’s gas fire didn’t meet current British safety standards and couldn’t have been accepted as payment, anyway.

Although many people have reportedly stopped their contributions to Oxfam in protest at the sex for aid allegations, the scandal has apparently resulted in a host of new contributors, some of whom have been left disappointed at what they are getting for their money. “After I read all that stuff in the papers, I thought it would be a good investment,” says sixty nine year old Porteus Follicle, who has recently set up a direct debit to give Oxfam monthly donations. “I thought I’d be helping poor people in disaster zones while getting a bloody good seeing to at home – when you get to my age opportunities to get your end away are few and far between, so you have to seize the opportunities where you can!” The services Follicle thought he’d be receiving, however, have not been forthcoming. “The local shop didn’t know what I was talking about, so I thought maybe you booked your home visits online,” he explains. “But when I visited their website, the only things they were selling was a load of second hand old tat!” For similar reasons, another new donor, Dolores Tipple, also found themselves disappointed. “All those news reports had led me to believe that my donations would be bringing some poor young man from the Third World to Britain for a better life of pleasuring donors,” says the seventy two year old. “But apparently that isn’t the case Oxfam are claiming that they really are about famine relief rather than hand relief.  Frankly, I find it disgraceful that they are happy to spend tax payers money on paying foreign prostitutes but won’t reciprocate the service to British pensioners.  Charity really should start at home.”

Oxfam shop manager Neville Loogie, meanwhile, has been telling his local newspaper that he suspects the allegations against the charity are part of a wider sinister plot to undermine the UK’s foreign aid effort. “Don’t you find the timing of this ‘scandal’ just a little bit too convenient, coming, as it does, at exactly the same time that we have the despicable Jacob Rees-Mogg and his bonkers Brexit band of bastards calling for foreign aid to be cut?” he asks. “Obviously, undermining the credibility of those agencies actually dispensing the aid might seem, to these bastards, an easier way to turn the public against the whole business of foreign aid. My theory is that they are organising groups of prostitutes who they fly to various disaster areas in the world, where they know that Oxfam are operating: their mission being to tempt as many aid workers as possible!” Loogie believes, though, that the allegations could have been even worse. “Bearing in mind that most of the current allegations seem to involve Oxfam’s work in Haiti, I’m surprised that the UK press hasn’t added necrophilia to their charges by claiming that zombie prostitutes were involved,” he opines. “So I suppose that we should be thankful for small mercies.”