Prime Monster?

Is Britain about to go from Prime Minister to Prime Monster?  With the government in chaos the ruling Conservative Party is desperately clinging to power, with party Grandees doing their best to bolster the position of hapless Prime Minister and swivel eyed loon Liz Truss until a replacement can be found. “It doesn’t matter if it is a matter of hours, days or weeks, we’ve somehow got to keep her in power by whatever means are available: bribery, blackmail, threats of violence, whatever,” Tory peer Lord Staines told top Tory-supporting tabloid the Daily Excess. “We just daren’t let her fall before we can find that ‘Unity Candidate’ who can bring together party and country and deliver another general election victory. The alternative is to face annihilation at the polls if we’re pushed into an election now.” But where is this fabled ‘Unity Candidate’ going to be found? There have been whisperings behind the scenes at Conservative Central Office that the great and the good of the party are preparing to send out its ‘Grail Knights’ – a select group of senior MPs and peers felt to embody the best of conservative values – on a quest to find the ‘chosen one’ as their new leader. “There’s long been a belief that, somewhere in England, there is one who bears the sacred mark which designates them as our true leader,” explains Lord Staines. “A bit like the Dalai Lama, except that the mark is said to be a birthmark in the image of the blessed Margaret Thatcher.”

So far, the only result of the ‘quest for the chosen one’ has been two Tory peers arrested for attempting to persuade young men to undress in public toilets, on the pretext of looking for their ‘sacred mark’ – which was apparently to be found on their buttocks. Many top Tories are dismissive of this so-called ‘quest’, claiming that not only is it counter-productive – producing yet more bad publicity – but also unscientific and far too time-consuming. “It’s all very well searching for this legendary ‘perfect Tory’, but even if such a figure can be found, they still won’t be an MP and eligible for election as party leader,” points out former Tory Minister for Pseudo Science Sir Jock Swingleberry. “I mean, we’d have to get a sitting MP in a safe seat to resign to force a by-election, then put this ‘chosen one’ up as our candidate, just to get them into parliament and that would be just too time consuming.” Sir Jock believes that the answer to finding the Tory ‘unity candidate’ lies with the application of science. “In my time as a minister I encountered many a so called ‘mad scientist’ – unjustly denied government grants for their research – who could solve our problems quite easily,” he told the journal Scientific Conservative. “One of these bods, for instance, was working on the creation of ‘synthetic humans’, grown in nutrient tanks, upon whose blank minds any sort of personality or belief system could be imprinted – I’m certain that he could grow us a new leader in a matter of weeks!” Swingleberry concedes, however, that such a plan would involve the same problem of getting an artificial being actually elected to parliament, let alone as Tory leader, as the ‘chosen one’ route.

Consequently, the former minister has revealed that he and a powerful group of Tory back benchers have commissioned a shadily financed right wing think tank to pursue an alternative course of action in order to create a ‘unity candidate’ for leader. “Another one of these scientific chappies I encountered back in the day was engaged in some fascinating experiments in creating ‘composite’ being constructed from the best bits of other people,” he recalls. “Obviously, he found himself in trouble with the woke mob, who labelled him as some kind of ‘Frankenstein’ and there was talk of him being prosecuted for stealing body parts or some such nonsense. Well, I pulled a few strings and got him off the hook and set him up with these think tank Johnnies who agreed to finance his research.” The scientist – with his think tank financed laboratory located deep beneath Tufton Street in London – is currently attempting to meld together several sitting Tory MPs in the hope of creating the perfect blend to appeal to the Conservative Party and the wider electorate. “What we need is something of the populism of Boris Johnson, the economic acumen of Rishi Sunak and perhaps just a touch of the more liberal views of, say, a Rory Stewart type,” muses Swingleberry. “With perhaps a dash of the hard line anti-immigration views of Priti Patel. That sort of combination should have something to appeal to every wing of the party!” The advantage of this scheme is that, so long as the resultant ‘composite’ being still looks sufficiently like one of the MPs it is constructed from, then it could be passed off as a sitting MP, making its elevation to the party leadership relatively straightforward.

But some in the party have warned against the creation of such an artificial ‘perfect leader’, fearing the possible consequences. “The question is, not whether it is possible to create such a creature, but rather whether we should,” says Lord Staines. “Can this cabal of back benchers guarantee that they could actually control such a creature? Do we really want to risk some hideous misshapen monster with the face of Boris Johnson and the legs of Priti Patel rampaging around the House of Commons, beating anyone who disagrees with it to death with the Mace, exposing itself to the gallery and attempting to rape MPs’ research assistants? Or standing up in the Commons and spouting Nazi ideology or, worse, socialism?” Many on the opposition benches are also highly sceptical of these schemes to create a perfect ‘unity candidate’ to replace Liz Truss. “The fact is that this wouldn’t be the first time that the Tories have tried to create ‘perfect’ leaders through dubious scientific experimentation – with little success,” opines Labour back bencher Kip Runes. “They’ve been doing it for decades. Boris Johnson, for instance, was said to be the result of an attempt to animate a dung heap.”

Many of these earlier experiments involved the irradiation of Tory candidates, in the hope of creating comic-book style super beings. According to Rune, their somewhat underwhelming results can be seen populating the current government benches. “They frankly give me the creeps. Just look at that Therese Coffey” he observes with a shudder. “Then there’s Jacob Rees Mogg, the result of an attempt to reanimate a corpse with radiation, not to mention Micheal Gove, who was apparently the result of an experiment exposing a toad to massive doses of radiation.” He also claims that the Tories have dabbled in cybernetics and robotics in their attempts to perfect a leader. “Well, everyone’s seen Theresa May’s dancing – a sure giveaway of her true nature,” says Rune. “Then there’s Suella Braverman and her cybernetically enhanced brain which was designed to give her constant input from the web in order to keep up with publuc opinion. Well, we all saw the results of that in the Commons, when the computerised part of it tuned into the wrong Twitter feeds and she started spouting all that stuff about the ‘coalition of chaos’ and the ‘Wokerati’, before sparks started flying out of her ears and flames sprouted from her head! Is it any wonder she was forced to ‘resign’ – completely out of the blue – as Home Secretary the next day? Even now, Tory mad scientists are feverishly trying to reprogramme her!”