Queen of Hearts

“It’s a bloody outrage – I was invited there! Her Maj loves a bit of rough on the side!” declares Archie Cronk, the man recently arrested whilst allegedly trying to break into Buckingham Palace, in an interview with popular tabloid The Shite. “Obviously, I didn’t have a written invite or a text, or anything, Her Majesty has to be discreet, hasn’t she? What happened was this Royal footman came knocking on my door over in Canning Town, and gave me the time of the meet!” The 61 year old retired milkman claims that the Queen first took a fancy to him when her Daimler drove past him at speed whilst he was walking down Canning Town High Street. “She’d been opening a new community centre, there,” he wheezes. “Our eyes definitely met as her car sped past, splashing me with water from a pot hole. How she found out my name and address, I don’t know, but she’s the bloody Queen, isn’t she? She’s got the whole of bloody GCHQ and MI5 at her disposal!” Sceptics have questioned Cronk’s story, querying why he was breaking into the palace – dressed in black and wearing a balaclava – if he had been invited by the monarch. “It was role play, wasn’t it?” he told the tabloid. “Liz doesn’t just like a bit of rough, she likes the sense of danger, as well. She wanted me to pretend to be a burglar, come in through her bedroom window and ravish her. Apparently it’s a fetish which started when that bloke broke into Buck House back in the eighties!”

Although Cronk’s claims have been dismissed by the police and royal family, top royal watcher Hugh Ropley-Tossington has pointed out the alarming number of men who have been caught supposedly breaking into Buckingham Palace in recent years. “You’d think that the security there would be so tight that they wouldn’t be able to get anywhere near the place, let alone get into the grounds,” he muses. “There have long been rumours about the Queen’s insatiable sexual appetites, which are apparently remain unabated in old age. I mean, just look at the decrepit state of Prince Philip, she’s clearly sucked him dry! Is it any wonder he sleeps in a separate room and is always being admitted to hospital?” The royal expert – author of Muck House: Inside the Pleasure Palace believes that it is Duke of Edinburgh’s reluctance to satisfy his wife’s carnal lusts that has driven Her Majesty to seek solace with strangers. “According to Palace rumour, it isn’t so much that he is unable, but rather that he is unwilling,” says Ropley-Tossington. “He feels that he’s done his bit for Queen and country, what with them having had four children- when he signed on he thought that would be the extent of his contribution to the royal sex life! All he wants to do is shoot things and mess about with his horses!” The exhausted Prince Philip is allegedly now so terrified that his wife’s physical demands will result in his suffering a fatal heart attack, that he has taken to barricading his bedroom door at night and sleeping with a shotgun.

“Not all of his hospital stays have been the result of over-energetic sex,” reveals the writer. “I’ve heard that some of the so-called ‘riding injuries’ he’s suffered were in fact the result of Her Majesty’s experimentation with ‘rough sex’. Apparently, one of her favourite scenarios involves her harnessing up a naked Prince Philip and riding him like one of her race horses – with a liberal use of the whip!” Not all of the Queen’s sexual role play involves violence, according to Ropley-Tossington. “My sources tell me that she likes a bit of filthy working class sex – like many toffs, she believes the lower orders to be more virile and rampantly sexual,” he explains. “She’s tried getting Prince Philip to enter into the spirit of things by getting him to sit in a knackered old armchair, dressed in a filthy string vest and clutching a tin of Carlsberg Special Brew, while she comes on to him – hair in curlers and fag in mouth – in the manner of some cockney harridan. His reaction was to fall asleep.” The Queen’s disappointment at her husband’s failure to rise to the challenge of such activities have encouraged her to find real working class men to indulge her fantasies.

“She doesn’t just pick up random pensioners from the streets,” says Ropley-Tossington. “She started off by putting small ads in the personal columns of local newspapers. You know the sort of thing – ‘Classy lady with own dungeon seeks dirty stallion for fun time’.” Ropley-Tossington also suspects that the controversial decision to open Buckingham Palace to the public was part of a devious plan by the monarch to try and slake her thirst for young male flesh. “One family claimed that their 73 year old grandfather had gone missing for several hours during a tour of the palace,” he explains. “When he finally turned up, found by servants wandering the corridors usually barred to the public, he told them a wild story about being snatched by some wild woman, tied to a bed and subjected to an exhausting sexual ordeal. Of course, the authorities said he was suffering from dementia and covered it all up!”

Police are now so worried that Her Majesty’s sexual escapades will culminate in a scandal, the royal watcher claims,, they are challenging anyone they see in the palace grounds, sometimes with unfortunate results. “That’s what that Prince Andrew business was about,” Ropley-Tossington confides. “They saw him lurking around the shrubbery and jumped to the wrong conclusion!” Both the royal household and the government have dismissed Ropley-Tossington’s claims as ‘absurd’ and ‘offensive’, and have labelled Archie Cronk a fantasist and petty criminal. “It is quite ridiculous to suggest that Prince Philip can’t satisfy Her Majesty and that his constant shooting and fondling of guns is some kind of sex substitute,” an anonymous palace source has told The Sleaze. “Believe me, he’s still perfectly capable of rising to the occasion when required. Although at his age he has to take it very slowly and there’s always the chance that something will drop off.” Meanwhile, Archie Cronk – who has two previous convictions for burglary – is due to appear before Southwark Magistrates Court, charged with breaking and entering, next month.