Split Sexuality

Welcome to our semi-regular feature – Ask the Rev – where leading paranormal expert and ordained priest (in the Church of Jesus the Latter Day Naturist) Reverend Leonard Fanny addresses our readers’ supernatural personal problems. This time the Rev’s expertise is required in a case of ‘Split Sexuality’.

Dear Reverend,

As a man of science I would never normally consider calling upon a man of the cloth for advice, but I fear that the situation I find myself in is as mush one of spiritual turmoil as it is scientific misadventure. During my recent research into the duality of erectile dysfunction I, perhaps foolishly, used myself as an experimental subject, ingesting my own chemical cocktail. As a consequence, I found myself transforming into a priapic alter ego with no sense of morality or social restraint and apparently boundless sexual energy. Needless to say, this perpetually erect alter ego has, during his possessions of my body, committed all manner of despicable depravities. Obviously, I have no direct memory of his filthy activities, instead having to rely upon the accounts of others who have witnessed them, the Twitter feed and Facebook accounts he has set up to chronicle his exploits and the videos he has been taking on my phone and leaving for me to see. I have no wish to detail his appalling conduct here – it is far too shameful – but suffice to say that he has groped his way through London’s clubs, (so vigourous was this groping that many of the young women who have fallen victim to his wandering hands still have their bruised imprint on their breasts and buttocks), abused several popular online dating apps in attempting to quest his perverted lusts and been banned from Instagram for exposing his engorged genitalia there multiple times.

Whilst I find all of these heinous activities both distasteful and deeply shameful, bearing, as I must, some responsibility for my evil counterpart’s rampages, they are not the reason for my contacting you. I have moved to seek your guidance after seeing the latest set of videos and photos the beast has left on my phone. These clearly show that he has started an affair with my wife, having his way with her in my own marital bed. And my own sofa, kitchen table, bathroom floor, laboratory bench and garden shed into the bargain. Worst of all, she seems to be enjoying his bestial attentions, When I confronted her with this visual evidence of him pawing her naked body and violating her every orifice from multiple directions, she told me that he had satisfied her as I never could with my flaccid member! It’s so bloody humiliating – she does things with him that she always refused to allow me to try. Obviously, she doesn’t realise that he and I are, in effect, the same being, so I must ask whether her conduct constitutes adultery? I am at my wit’s end as to what to do – I’ve tried concocting new formulae and ingesting them, but to no effect. Should I now try a more spiritual approach and consider exorcism as a way to expel this evil force from my psyche?

H. Jekyll MD
Edinburgh

The Rev Replies: I think that, without doubt, that your problem is as much spiritual as it is scientific – you have clearly succeeded in isolating your soul’s evil aspects into a single entity. Whether it can be exorcised from your body is highly doubtful as, spiritually speaking, it is an integral part of your nature. The danger, though, is that it might become so enamoured of its current state of hedonism, that it seeks to completely overwhelm you, so that you never revert to your normal state. An obvious solution to the whole problem would be to poison yourself, thereby killing the both of you and saving any more women from your alter ego’s repulsive attentions. That, however, would also involve the committing of a deadly sin, so I really couldn’t recommend it. It does occur to me that perhaps the problem is that, when in your normal state, you repress your wicked side too much, resulting in its eruptions in the form of this sinister ‘other’. The solution, therefore, might be to indulge your repressed wickedness a little more – slapping your wife’s arse now again, perhaps. Or watching the odd pornographic video, maybe attending a strip show and shoving a handful of fivers down a pole dancer’s cleavage. It also occurs to me that your alter ego’s displays of excessive masculine sexuality might, in fact, be part of a denial of his true nature. So, perhaps by getting in touch with your own homoerotic feelings, by masturbating to some gay porn, or visiting a gay black leather fetish bar, then your dark half’s jealousy at your giving your attention to other men, might result in his reuniting fully with you. So, I think that you have a ranger of options to explore before trying exorcism or suicide.

The Rev will be back soon to give more advice on your paranormal problems. So, if your sex life is a hump in the night or you find yourself nocturnally plagued by the attentions of a spectral groper, drop us a line.

(The Rev is also available for weddings, christenings and exorcisms, the latter only on Tuesdays and Thursday afternoons).