Below the Belt

Is Jeff Bezos’ penis about to bring down Trump? US politics has taken another bizarre turn as a Trump supporting tabloid’s threats to expose the Amazon boss’s manhood seem to have backfired, with the bald headed billionaire calling their bluff and daring them to publish the illicit ‘dick pics’. “Let’s be perfectly frank here, if the National Enquirer were to publish those ‘below the belt’ snaps of Bezos it claims to have, then they’ll need to devote a whole two page spread to it,” an Amazon spokesperson has told rival tabloid The Weekly World Shopper. “That’s why he feels confident in telling them to ‘publish and be damned’: either they don’t and lose face, or they do and his reputation will be boosted sky high! It’s a win-win situation for him!” The whole situation was sparked by he Trump-supporting tabloid’s exposure of Bezos’ alleged extra-marital affair in an attempt to discredit him and, by association the Washington Post – also owned by him – which has been critical of Trump. The billionaire’s response was to instigate an investigation into whether the Enquirer had used illegal means to obtain the compromising and hugely personal pictures of Besos it claims to have. In turn, the newspaper allegedly threatened to publish these pictures – including the ‘dick pic’, if Bezos didn’t call of the investigation and release a statement affirming he had no evidence that the story had been politically motivated.

But it isn’t the alleged magnificence of Bezos’ manhood which is likely to bring down President Trump so much as the alleged link between Trump and National Enquirer publisher David Pecker – did the President in any way instigate the exposure of Bezos’ tallywhacker? “In all honesty, that’s going to be next to impossible to establish,” muses Professor Jerry Mire, Chair of Political Sex Scandology at the Putney School of Central Heating Studies. “The Enquirer has a track record of trying to discredit those critical of Trump with no implication of any of its attacks actually having been at the direction or request of Trump. It’s what politically partisan newspapers all over the world do, I’m afraid.” The academic has no doubt, though, that Bezos has emerged from the scandal as a clear winner. “Really, it couldn’t have turned out better for him if he’d organised it himself,” opines Mire. “Just at a time when his company was being reviled for some of its business practices and he’d been exposed as having cheated on his wife, Jeff Bezos finds himself cast as a hero, standing up to blackmailing tabloid journalists. Suddenly, he’s whiter than white. A paragon of virtue!”

Indeed, some commentators have suggested that Bezos has, in fact, co-ordinated the whole scandal in order to rehabilitate his public image. “It’s just so obvious that he’s the real mastermind behind this conspiracy, leaking his own dirty pictures to the National Enquirer. I mean, how else would they ever have been able to get access to such private photographs, presumably taken on his private cell phone?” says Jim Pocklex, of Which Conspiracy? magazine. “OK – he’ll take some collateral damage in that his marriage will most likely be destroyed by the revelation of his affair. But, hey, maybe that’s part of the plan too- that’s one hot babe he’s allegedly been porking! But, by switching it all around and accusing them of blackmail, not only does he get to compromise a rival newspaper and its publisher, but he gets to smear the President by association! Plus, he comes out of it all smelling of roses!” Rival conspiracy theorist Rick Tick, writing in Conspiracy Digest, argues that Bezos’ calling out of the National Enquirer, is actually an act of desperation. “Word on the street is that he’s actually hung like a cashew and fears that if those pictures of his modest wanger became public, he’d lose a lot of his esteem and standing in the business world,” Tick contends. “He’s built his reputation on being a ‘big swinging dick’ – if rivals were to find out that his dick is less than average, then his prestige and influence will be severely diminished. By calling their bluff, Bezos is gambling that the tabloid won’t publish the picture, for fear of proving his allegations that they are blackmailing him.”

Whether Bezos himself has orchestrated the scandal or not, Professor Mire is advising caution when judging any of the players in the saga. “Obviously, the principle outcome of this saga so far is to make Jeff Bezos seem a more sympathetic character,” he says. “But, regardless of the impact his whang might or might not have on the future of US politics, we shouldn’t lose sight of the fact that Bezos himself is a rapacious capitalist, whose company Amazon is notorious for exploiting loopholes to avoid paying taxes in any of the countries it operates in and has a pretty dubious record when it comes to working conditions for its employees. Don’t let anyone forget that his rivalry with Trump is essentially a pissing contest between two ruthless, exploitative and extremely ruthless capitalists.”

Pocklex agrees that the public should remain wary of Bezos. “While being cast as the victim in a politically motivated sex scandal and standing up to would be blackmailers undoubtedly makes Bezos seem more human and sympathetic, it can never quite obscure the fact that he’s a bald headed billionaire controlling a shady global business empire,” he explains. “While he isn’t yet stroking a white cat and Amazon isn’t yet organising giant space lasers to terrorise the world’s governments, it can surely only be a matter of time before they take a leaf out of the Blofeld and SPECTRE playbook by stealing some nuclear warheads with which to hold the National Enquirer to ransom unless it publishes pictures of President Trump’s penis. In fact, that’s probably the while point of this business – to force Trump’s wizened old cock into the open where it will pale in comparison to Bezos’ mighty whacker, thereby discrediting the President forever in the eyes of even his most ardent redneck supporters. There’s no way they could continue to respect a guy with a puny penis – for them size is everything.” Despite the unlikelihood of Bezos’ penis actually bringing down Trump, for Professor Mire it is still an appealing prospect. “The thought that a billionaire sending a picture of his cock to his girlfriend could eventually result in the fall of an extreme right wing demagogue is quite wonderful,” he chuckles. “It somehow sums up the kind of political situation we are currently living through.”