Keeping Up the Johnson

Downing Street has denied claims made in a recently published ‘tell all’ memoir that Prime Minister Boris Johnson’s alleged sexual prowess is, in fact, a myth. In allegations strenuously rejected by a spokesperson for the Prime Minister, former escort Brandy Melons stated in her book, Keeping Up the Johnson, that Johnson, in fact, had trouble keeping up his Johnson. “Far from being rampant, he couldn’t even get it to half mast,” she says. “In fact, it was usually so flaccid that being mounted by him was like someone trying to shove a limp sock through a letter box.” In response, the downing Street spokesperson strenuously denied that the Prime Minister was so grossly overweight that even sexual foreplay left him gasping for breath, as Melons has claimed. They also denied that a medical team with a defibrillator had to be on hand every time he had sex, in case of a cardiac arrest. “It wasn’t just to revive him in case he went ‘true blue’,” claims Melons – who alleges that Johnson was a client for several years while Mayor of London, something denied by Downing Street. “It was also because the fat bastard always risked crushing some poor girl to death as he humped up and down her, in his desperate attempts to climax.” The ex-escort’s book also sensationally claims that Johnson’s supposed virility and reputation as a ‘fanny magnet’ were both myths created by spin doctor Dominic Cummings in order to bolster Johnson’s image. “After all, without his supposed ‘sex appeal’, he’d just be another obnoxious, bigoted fat slob full of his own entitlement”, she writes. Downing Street have dismissed the book as ‘a work of fiction’ and ‘complete fantasy’, denying that Johnson has ever met Miss Melons.

In a subsequent development, a tabloid newspaper has claimed that Johnson had used his recent period of compulsory Covid self-isolation as a cover for a fourteen day ‘shag fest’ at Chequers. “He was well pissed off that he couldn’t wriggle out of the isolation by signing up to some fake testing trial, that he decided to take advantage of it for some quality ‘poontang time’ away from the public eye,” former aide Jim Shafter told The Shite. “He completely ignored isolation rules by having women delivered to the PM’s official country retreat by the bus load – and not just slappers off of the street, mind you, but classy birds from local Conservative Associations.” His subterfuge was allegedly discovered when his regular audience with Her Majesty, The Queen, conducted via Zoom, started early and The Queen was subjected to the sight of a naked Johnson humping a blonde from behind, doggy style. “As she entered the meeting, he was just reaching the vinegar stroke – she had the misfortune to see his ‘sex face’ – which looks very much as if he’s attempting to pass a particularly massive turd,” Shafter claimed in the newspaper article. “Still, it could have been worse – she could have been subjected to the sight of his wobbling flabby arse.”

While Downing Street has once again denied the report, calling it a ‘complete fabrication’ and pointing out that Shafter was recently sacked from his post at Number Ten after being caught downloading porn on an official laptop, Brandy Melons has claimed that the description of the PM’s ‘sex face’ gives it veracity. “I can confirm that is exactly the face he pulls when he thinks that he’s about to shoot his load,” she told rival tabloid the Daily Norks. “The reason that it looks as if he’s straining to let go the other end is because he usually is – if you are lucky he only lets rip a huge, noxious fart. But there was one time when he followed through – the back wall of the bedroom was showered in shit.” Harry Enders, Deputy Chief Political Correspondent for the Daily Norks suspects that the claims about Johnson’s alleged ‘shag fest’ are, in fact, a piece of political spin, planted by allies of the Prime Minister. “After Miss Melons’ claims about his non-performance, they needed to do something to counter the public perception that he might not be able to ‘keep the British end up’, so to speak,” the journalist opines. “It could be highly damaging – why should the public have any confidence in his abilities to take on the EU if he has no lead in his pencil? Hence this story portraying him as a rampant sex machine.”

The Shite has further claimed that this latest alleged incident has hardened the Queen’s resolve to keep Johnson at arms length – on health and hygiene grounds as much as anything else. “It was bad enough when, early in the pandemic after having been in contact with Covid victims, Johnson was determined to continue in person audiences with Her Majesty – according to Dominic Cummings,” says Arthur Length, Parliamentary Correspondent for the tabloid. “When she heard that he might be coming to the Palace, she ordered Prince Philip to shoot Johnson on sight with his favourite elephant gun.” Consequently, the Royal Household insisted that all audiences must be conducted remotely. “But after being exposed to a naked Boris in heat, Her Majesty has been put off of even remote contact with him,” observes the journalist. “Apparently, she has now armed her entire staff with her late husband’s shotgun collection and issued orders to blow Johnson away if he is seen on Royal grounds, ‘Shoot him in the balls’, was, I understand, the exact phrase she used.”

Downing Street sources maintain that both the Brandy Melons book and the ‘Shag fest’ story are part of a concerted campaign of lies designed to discredit the Prime Minister and destabilise his government. “Look, if he’s such a poor performer in bed, not even able to get it up, how are we meant to explain all those children that he’s allegedly sired with multiple women?” they ask. “Moreover, just why are there so many women out there claiming that they had affairs with Johnson, if he isn’t up to it? As for the so-called ‘shag fest’, surely nobody thinks that the Prime Minister is so incompetent that he wouldn’t check that the cameras were switched off before getting down to it?” Brandy Melons believes that the children can easily be explained. “He buys a lot of turkey basters,” she comments. “As for the incompetence, well, look no further than either his handling of Brexit or the pandemic.”.