Modern Conspiracies Are Rubbish!

“These conspiracies are just getting out of hand – not only are there just too many of them going on, but they are dangerous! People are getting hurt,” opines top conspiracy theorist Kevin Spline in the editorial of the most recent edition of the West Berkshire Conspiracy Review. “There are just too many people involved these days – it seems like the whole of British politics is being conducted via intricately constructed conspiracies designed to discredit first one side, then the other! Modern conspiracies really are rubbish!” Spline is one of a number of conspiracy theorists who have been expressing dismay at the number and nature of the conspiracies perpetrated by the two main political parties during the course of the UK’s recent general election campaign. “It’s not even as if any of them were subtle,” Derek Rostler, famed for uncovering the ‘Nazi Moon Landing Cover Up’ conspiracy, recently wrote in Practical Conspiracy Digest. “I mean, that so called suicide bombing in Manchester was so obviously staged by the government so as to try and ramp up the fear factor in order to gain votes. The timing was just so convenient, wasn’t it? Just as the gap between them and Labour in the polls was beginning to narrow! The attack gave them the perfect pretext to up the security levels, put armed troops on the streets and suspend the election campaign!”

Spline agrees that the Manchester attack was a false flag operation staged by the government. “It’s obvious – the Prime Minister had just had a disastrous live TV interview and the opposition were breathing down their necks,” he says. “Manchester was chosen so that they’d be less likely to kill any of their own voters.” The conspiracy, however, backfired badly, with the opposition highlighting Prime Minister May’s role, when Home Secretary, in cutting police numbers. “That’s when the Labour Party saw its opportunity to exploit the government’s weakness on the whole security and anti-terror issue and came up with it’s own conspiracy,” says Rostler. “Basically, Jeremy Corbyn used his terrorist connections to organise some Muslim nutters to crash that van into those people on London Bridge, then run amok with knives. The timing was perfect – only days before people went to the polls. I t certainly had the desired effect – making the government in general and May in particular, look utterly incompetent.”

Whilst Labour still didn’t win the election, in spite of its successfully executed conspiracy, it did succeed in depriving the government of its majority. “Obviously, having been reduced to a minority government, the Tories were desperate to claw back some ground, so devised a new conspiracy designed to distract attention from their precarious position and Corbyn’s growing popularity,” explains Spline. “So they got the Security Service to organise that tower block fire, hoping that it would hog the headlines for a whlie. The trouble is that it all got seriously out of control: what was meant to be just a scary, but ultimately easily controlled blaze, turned into an inferno and, like Manchester, back fired on them when so many people died.” Rostler believes that, once again, the original operation was poorly executed. “It was all just so ham-fisted. I ask you, using an exploding fridge to start it – who has ever heard of a fridge exploding? It made it so obvious that it was a black op,” he muses in the pages of Practical Conspiracy Digest. “The ultimate irony is that they were undone by the incompetence of their fellow Tories who run the local council, who had allowed the building to be clad in highly flammable cheap cladding! Don’t these people co-ordinate any more? It’s rule number one of conspiracies: make sure that everyone essential is on side. Bloody amateurs!”

Not surprisingly, such claims have been met with disgust by the mainstream media, which has condemned them as insensitive and insane. “Not only is it hugely disrespectful to those who died in these incidents and their relatives to suggest that they were victims of conspiracies designed to achieve partisan gain for political parties, it is also utterly ludicrous,” thundered former Tory MP Roland Farquarharson, who lost his seat in the recent election, in an article in the Daily Excess. “The very idea that the government would conspire to murder its own citizens, just because the PM had endured a bad interview and the opposition had gained a couple of points in the polls is both offensive and insane. Moreover, even a terrorist loving loony leftie like Comrade Corbyn wouldn’t come up with such a warped scheme to try and gain political advantage as conspiring with Jihadists to commit a terror atrocity!” There have also been criticisms from fellow conspiracy theorists, with Herbert Flemm, Chief Writer of Your Conspiracies magazine arguing that the likes of Spline and Rostler had failed to grasp the complexities and subtelties of te various recent conspiracies.

“Take the Grenfell Tower fire – it seems clear to me that the loss of life was intentional. Let’s not forget that the parliamentary constituency it took place in was won by Labour with just a handful of votes. By ensuring the demise of a number of poor and working class constituents, they’ve virtually guaranteed that it will go back to the Tories next time around,” Flemm claims. “As for the Manchester attack, the conspiracy had clearly been infiltrated by deep cover police and security assets, who subverted it to discredit the government’s anti-terror policies and ensure a boost to their powers and budgets. They nearly pulled it off: if May had got back with a majority there would have been more state surveillance and fewer civil liberties. Just what the police and security mob always want!” Flemm also contends that the moderate Muslim establishment colluded with the London Bridge attack in an attempt to further discredit Muslim radicals. His claims have also been roundly condemned by the mainstream media. For his part, Spline is sticking by his original contention that the latest wave of conspiracies are out of hand and in danger of discrediting the whole conspiracy industry. “They are all so sordid and grubby, aimed at short-term political gain,” he complains. “I miss the good old days when conspiracies had a global sweep and involved important stuff like covering up the existence of aliens, shapeshifting lizards secretly ruling the world or the murders of celebrities. They were fun and nobody got hurt. But nowadays it is all horrible child sex scandals and terrorist atrocities.” According to Spline, the problem is that conspiracies have gone mainstream. “Conspiracy theories used to be just for the cognoscenti, like me and my readers, but now everyone is in on them. I blame the likes of David Icke and Alex Jones, with their bestselling books and radio broadcasts,” he laments. “You aren’t meant to make money from conspiracies, let alone publicize them. I mean, the moment you go public to the mass media and don’t get assassinated, you’ve proven that the conspiracy doesn’t exist! I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: modern conspiracies are rubbish!”