Secret Ceremony

Just how was previously divorced Prime Minister Boris Johnson able to marry his latest squeeze, Carrie Symonds, in a Roman Catholic church? While dismissed by many commentators as just another example of how Johnson abuses his position to continually break established rules and norms, seemingly without consequence, others have suggested that this latest development represents a far more sinister and bizarre development. Indeed, according a recent lurid tabloid story, the secret marriage ceremony was in fact not a conventional Christian marriage and hadn’t been sanctioned by the Catholic Church. “I’m telling you, it was nothing less than a desecration of Holy ground, an act of extreme blasphemy,” former Catholic priest James Pupforte told The Daily Norks. “What went on in that church was an offensive parody of the sacred Christian marriage ceremony – nothing less than a black Satanic ritual!” Speaking exclusively to the tabloid, Pupforte claimed that participants in the ceremony – or ‘ritual’, as he preferred to call it – were naked, with the bride and groom offering up live sacrifices to each other as symbols of their love. “Johnson had a white cockerel and his bride provided a black kitten,” the ex-priest explained. “They each sacrificed the other’s offering – she strangled his cock while he eviscerated her pussy.” The ritual climaxed, he alleged, with them drinking the blood of a chicken sacrificed by the Satanic priest presiding over the ritual. “The priest then smeared the remaining blood all over their naked bodies before pronouncing them man and wife!” Pupforte says. “After which the couple made frenzied love on altar as the other guests copulated wildly in the aisles!”

Perhaps unsurprisingly, the story has been dismissed out of hand by the majority of political pundits as simply being cheap sensationalism designed to discredit the Prime Minister/ “These opponents can’t seem to be able to trip him up over his genuine political blunders – which, let’s face it, should represent an open goal – so now they are resorting to just making stuff up,” opines Richard Herpwell, Chief Political Correspondent of the New Democrat magazine. “I mean, really, this so called ‘story’ is just an excuse for lots of salacious sexual fantasising on the part of the authors, not to mention some smutty schoolboy word play about ‘cocks’ and ‘pussies’. Utterly puerile!” Along with many other commentators, Herpwell has questioned Pupforte’s apparently intimate knowledge of the secret ceremony and pointed out that he was actually defrocked by the Catholic Church for himself conducting unauthorised nocturnal naturist ceremonies. Equally unsurprisingly, Pupforte is standing by his story, claiming his ‘defrocking’ was actually a ruse on the part of the Church so that he could infiltrate Satanist organisations. Indeed, he claims that he attended Johnson’s unholy marriage undercover, as a guest. “Obviously, my involvement with the nascent Roman Catholic naturist movement means that I’m perfectly comfortable being naked in a group of other nudists,” he explained. “I was able to attend as a ‘plus one’ of an invited guest an observe the blasphemous outrages committed on behalf of the Church!”

In a particularly shocking claim, the former priest has alleged that the ceremony was presided over by Satan himself – in the form of Michael Gove. “Certainly, he had the smirking face of Gove, but had horns, pointed ears and his lower half was covered in fur, his legs ending in cloven hoofs,” he says. “Actually, it might simply have been Gove himself, wearing hairy trousers and joke shop horns, or perhaps Gove is the Devil, anyway – he bleated like a goat as he buggered a couple of the guests in the sexual frenzy that followed the ritual!” Pupforte has also revealed that, following his report on the secret ceremony to the Catholic Church’s hierarchy, a team of expert exorcists have been sent to the desecrated church in order to sanctify it. “They’ve thoroughly cleansed the place with Holy water – walls, floors, ceilings have all been hosed down and blessed,” he says. “Unfortunately, they fear that the altar is beyond redemption after the atrocity that took place upon and it and will have to be burned. Quite frankly, I’m amazed that it didn’t collapse with that fat bastard humping away on it – I’ll tell you, the sight of those huge, flabby wobbling buttocks going up and down made me feel physically sick!”

The Daily Norks story has also come under fire from the Church of Satan, who have pointed out that the ceremony described in no way resembles any of the actual rituals they officially sanction. They particularly objected to the references to ritual sacrifice as, their spokesperson pointed out, as an essentially atheist organisation, they do not condone the killing of any living thing as an offering to non-existent spiritual beings. “Oh for God’s sake, we’re not talking here about that bunch of namby-pamby middle class dilettantes,” responds Pupforte , “We’re talking here about real Satanists who actually believe in the power of the Devil and all his works and regularly conjure him up with blood sacrifices in order to bum rape the unsuspecting!” Pupforte strongly suspects that his Satanic wedding indicates that Johnson himself is a full blown diabolist. “I know many will try to excuse this blasphemy by saying that it is simply another case of him challenging convention, but if he really has entered into a pact with the Devil, it would explain so much,” muses the ex-priest. “All of his success, despite being an utterly incompetent waste of space, a liar, an adulterer and a fornicator and the fact that the opinion polls won’t move against him, despite all of the corruption and deceit that surrounds him, can surely only be explained in this way?”

In a further development, it has been suggested that while the secret wedding ceremony might not have been a conventional Christian one, it certainly wasn’t, as Pupforte has claimed, a Satanic ritual. “According to the accounts I’ve heard, Johnson and ‘Princess Nut Nut’ actually used a ceremony of their own devising, based upon a new ‘religion’ that they and their friends have been trying to popularise,” controversial left wing journalist Rick Swarm has claimed. “Basically, it is the worship of money and materialism – instead of being deadly sins, stuff like avarice and greed are seen as virtues. It is far more unwholesome than the moral depravity of Satanism.” Swarm has alleged that the only sacrifice made at the ceremony involved the symbolic burning of a pile of cash. “They ‘exchanged vows’ by shoving wads of cash up each other’s arses before making mad love on a bed of cash covering the altar,” he says. “After which the celebrant – dressed as a bank manager – wrapped a bank roll around his cock and ceremonially buggered the best man, who was dressed as a beggar.”