The Clones of Boris Johnson

“Look, it’s bloody obvious, isn’t it? Boris Johnson didn’t actually recover from that bout of Covid-19,” claims controversial investigative journalist Harold Gaiter. “I strongly suspect that he never even made it into hospital, probably expiring in Number Ten!” As evidence for his incendiary theory, Gaiter – whose previous work has been published in the likes of the Cleckheaton Cattle Breeders’ Chronicle – points to the total lack of photographic evidence of Johnson either being treated in hospital, or being released from hospital. “Just look at the facts: the paucity of updates once he went into intensive care, the lack of pictures – surely a self-publicist like Boris wouldn’t have been able to resist such a photo opportunity: stricken PM bravely combats killer virus while surrounded by NHS staff?” he says. “Then the cursory announcement that he’s out of intensive care, yet still no actual statements from the man himself. The only recent update being that he was now able to walk about a bit. Oh, and now he’s apparently recovering at Chequers – but still no pictures, still no statements. Clearly, there’s been a massive cover up.”

While Gaiter believes that the real Boris Johnson actually succumbed to the coronavirus, he also contends that, to avoid public panic, the government covered it up while a clone was prepared under cover of him being in intensive care. “Before he was cold, they took a tissue sample and used its genetic information to create a duplicate Boris Johnson,” he says. “That’s what all this stuff about him managing to walk is about – the clone Boris is clearly having to go through an accelerated development curve in order to pass as the real thing in short order. Believe me that’s what is really happening at Chequers: Boris isn’t recovering from coronavirus, his clone is being brought up to speed, so that it can seamlessly take over the original’s duties as Prime Minister.” Critics of Gaiter’s theories – of which there are many – have pointed out that if a man in his fifties, like Johnson, were to be cloned, then it would take fifty plus years for the clone to develop to the same stage as the original was when cloned. Moreover, they point out, the entire environment that the original grew up in and lived through as an adult would have to replicated for the clone, to ensure that it was identical to the original.

“Oh come on,” declared Gaiter, in response to these criticisms. “I have it on good authority that top British scientists have developed a revolutionary, but top secret, programme, whereby they can grow a clone to adulthood from someone’s tissue in only a few days. Then it’s just a matter of developing the mental faculties and implanting the memories.” The latter process, he claims, is also achievable in days. “In Boris’ case it is simply a case of implanting all that classical cobblers he studied at Oxford, the collected speeches of Churchill and as much imperialist literature, like the poems of Rudyard Kipling, as they can find,” he opines. “Oh, and possibly the history of Mussolini, in order for him to get that buffoonish exterior concealing a dangerous right wing demagogue routine off pat.” Gaiter reiterated his belief that it was utterly inconceivable that the real Boris Johnson could have survived a severe bout of Covid-19. “The odds against him recovering from a bout of coronavirus are pretty slim. Just look at the facts: he’s overweight and a man in his fifties – two big strikes against him,” muses the journalist. “So I think that it is pretty clear that he is in the process of being replaced by a clone.”

While Gaiter’s claims have been dismissed as ‘tasteless’ and ‘delusional’ by both mainstream media and the political establishment, it is being credence by some conspiracy theorists. Indeed, at least one believes that Boris Johnson has been cloned not once, but three times, although he believes that the real Johnson is still alive. “The truth is that the Tory Party’s hierarchy panicked when they thought he was about to croak, so ordered that these three clones be created by this new process,” claims Johnny Suspender in an article in the latest edition of Conspiracy Digest. “I mean, just look at the dearth of talent at the top of the party – why else would they have Johnson as PM in the first place, if there was anyone of talent there? Quite apart from the lack of a suitable replacement, nobody else in the cabinet wanted the poisoned chalice of stepping up to be Prime Minister during a deadly pandemic. Hence the plan to replace Boris with a clone if he died.” But why three clones? “The idea was that with three Boris Johnsons, he’d be able to multitask and get more done during this crisis. It was reasoned that if they created three, then one could actually do the Prime Ministerial work, one could bugger of on holiday to the Seychelles, while the third impregnated several women,” he explains. “If nothing else, it would mean that we had one Boris devoting his entire time to doing his actual job, rather than dividing his time between that and his other activities.”

With the real Johnson now recovering from Covid-19, however, the status of the three clones is unclear. “There’s apparently been some talk of re-training them to work as undercover law enforcement agents once the pandemic is over,” says Suspender. “You know the sort of thing – going overseas under assumed identities to break up narcotics rings and terrorist groups. The trouble is that they are all, like the original, complete and utter blundering buffoons.” Consequently, there have been rumours of more drastic action being taken. “There’s been talk of tying them up in a weighted sack and throwing them in the river, either that or the old pillow case over the head before bashing them with a brick,” the conspiracy theorist confirms. “But right now the idea is that they’ll be kept on ice and expended as doubles, to take assassins bullets or outraged husband’s horse whips, when things go wrong for Boris, as they inevitably will.” Alone amongst the mainstream press, the Daily Express has welcomed the idea of three Boris Johnson clones, declaring that with three Johnsons negotiating the UK’s exit deal from the EU, “the UK won’t just leave the EU, but utterly destroy it”.