The Dead That Crap

A former relief worker has sensationally claimed that governments, the United Nations and World Health Organisation (WHO) have all been lying to the public about the Ebola outbreak currently raging through West Africa. “As if the cholera outbreak itself isn’t bad enough, now the victims are rising from the dead as zombies – shitting zombies!” Jim Jubblyz told journalists after crashing a London press conference for a British nurse who had survived an Ebola infection he had contracted whilst working in Sierra Leone. . “I don’t know what’s causing it – experimental pesticides used on local crops, illicit chemical weapons tests by the US or what. All I know is that no sooner have the poor buggers expired, then they’re on their feet again, attempting to eat people and emptying their bowels everywhere!” Jubblyz claimed to have attended the press conference to warn the world of the potential threat posed by the supposedly ‘cured’ nurse. “Those ‘experimental drugs’ they’ve been treating him with might have given him the semblance of normality, but trust me he’s still a ravening monster eager to eat your brains – then spew and shit them all over the floor,” he raved. “It’s the projectile vomiting and crapping you have to be most wary of: if that stuff hits you it can infect you – within hours you’ll be a shambling incontinent wreck yourself!”

Whilst the recovered nurse hasn’t – so far – turned into a flesh-eating monster, the thirty two year old aid worker is sticking by his story. “Even WHO have admitted that this ‘Ebola’ is spreading far more quickly than has been seen before – obviously, it is being transmitted by bite, vomit and crap. Not only that, but they’re burning the bodies of everyone who dies from it in a desperate attempt to stop them from rising from the grave,” he shouted, as he was dragged away from the press conference by police. “Don’t forget that business of armed ‘criminals’ apparently breaking into a hospital for ‘Ebola’ sufferers – they weren’t there to rob the sick, they were there to try and kill the zombies! But it backfired and scores of the walking dead escaped!” Through his solicitor, the rogue aid worker has issued further statements about what he witnessed in West Africa. “I know what I’ve seen,” his most recent statement opens. “Only last week, whilst working in a Liberian hospital, I saw this freshly dead emaciated corpse rise up from its death bed, stagger over to an orderly, puke in his face, then tear his throat out whilst he was temporarily blinded by the vomit! Then he crapped all over the hospital floor before stumbling off.” So bad has the zombie outbreak become, Jubblyz claims, that the military have been shooting the living dead by the score. “A couple of weeks ago, a platoon of NBC-suited US Marines came racing into the remote village where I was dispensing medical supplies, leaped out of their Humvee and mowed down a dozen or so zombies that were crapping in the street,” he claimed through his solicitor. “Before leaving, they doused the bodies in petrol and set them ablaze. They told everyone who saw them not to say anything about it, for fear of spreading panic about the zombie outbreak!”

Although medical experts have dismissed Jubblyz’s wild allegations as ‘nonsense’, some of Britain’s top conspiracy theorists have moved to defend him. “There’s no question that the ‘One World Government’ represented by the UN has put in place extraordinary measures to contain what was originally reported as a localised outbreak of a disease that needn’t be fatal and which, in previous outbreaks, hadn’t killed that many people,” muses Mary Pickwell, editor of Conspiracies Today magazine. “Then there are the travel restrictions they’ve put in place – obviously, they don’t want anyone travelling there to see for themselves what’s going on.” Pickwell has also pointed out the recent lack of press coverage from West Africa and the hurried deployment of ‘experimental drugs’ to try and treat victims of the outbreak. “It’s a classic government cover-up,” she writes in the magazine’s latest editorial.

Debate still rages as to the cause of the outbreak, with Pickwell favouring the theory that it is a result of the US government releasing a genetically modified version of the Ebola virus in Liberia. “They’ve carried out these sorts of live experiments before, releasing viruses on the New York subway in the fifties,” she claims. “But this time it has clearly got out of hand with unforeseen side-effects.” However, rival publication Practical Conspiracies has put forward an alternative theory, positing that the ‘zombification’ of the victims was entirely intentional. “It’s not the US government, but a cabal of multinational corporations behind the outbreak,” top conspiracy theorist Dan Blimper writes in the latest edition. “The aim was to create a new third world workforce of the living dead to undercut the production costs of even the China and the rest of South East Asia. It would have been the perfect workforce – no need to pay them, no labour disputes, no health and safety concerns. What they didn’t foresee was the flesh eating. It really shouldn’t have been a surprise with the history of cannibalism amongst Africans.”

Doubt has been cast on such claims by international aid organisations. “This is just more racist stereotyping,” says a spokesperson for the Red Cross. “You know, contrary to what most bad exploitation movies will have you believe, Africa actually has no history of cooking unwary travellers in huge pots or of eating their enemies brains – and there is no evidence that the Ebola outbreak has been spread by the shitting dead!” The spokesperson also pointed out that Jubblyz had also been an aid worker in Haiti, following the 2010 earthquake which had devastated the country. “He made the same claims there, accusing local politicians of using voodoo to raise the dead and use them to rebuild the country on the cheap,” the spokesperson recalled. “He even trotted out the whole ‘dead that crap’ nonsense, except that back then it was a cholera outbreak rather than Ebola which was the actual cause of the symptoms.” The spokesperson reiterated that all of the living dead claims had a clear racist subtext. “Aren’t these zombie rumours just being used as an excuse for trigger-happy foreign soldiers to commit murder?” asks the Red Cross spokesperson. “Labelling the local population as ‘zombies’ is surely just a way of de-humanising them so as to legitimise their ill-treatment?” The spokesperson also pointed out that people crapping in the street in a country whose infrastructure has been destroyed by a natural disaster is hardly evidence of a zombie invasion, merely a sign of extreme poverty.