The Queen in Black

Is Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II actually black? Left wing journalist Nick Swarm claims that this is the secret Buckingham Palace is so keen to keep that it has resulted in the sidelining of Prince Harry and his wife Meghan Markle and has involved a massive cover up stretching back decades. “It all makes sense,” opined Swarm, during an appearance on ITV’s This Morning. “That’s why there was so much interest on the part of the Palace as to what colour Harry and Meghan’s baby would be – too dark and people would realise that the Queen was actually darker!” Swarm contends that, for decades, the Royal Family and successive British governments have colluded to conceal Her Majesty’s true skin tone by ensuring that she is perpetually surrounded by people with abnormally deep sun tans. “Have you never noticed how those wealthy upper class types have year round tans?” he asked a clearly startled Philip Schofield and Holly Willoughby. “It was that and the application of various experimental skin-lightening techniques – trust me, Michael Jackson had nothing on the kind of stuff Her Majesty has been doing to look white!” Despite the hosts’ attempts to wind up the segment, Swarm continued with his theme, claiming that the arrival of Markle had threatened to unravel the subterfuge. “If people were to see her stood next to the Queen, they’d see that Meghan was lighter skinned!” he alleged. “That’s why she’s been kept at arms length, resulting in a Royal rift and the effective exiling of Harry and Meghan to the US!”

Swarm’s comments have elicited an angry response from supporters of the Royal Family, with Tory back bench MP Mark Porker storming BBC News studios and demanding to be allowed on air to offer a rebuttal. “These allegations are outrageous, if not downright treasonous,” a red faced Porker bellowed into the camera during the BBC lunch time news bulletin, hammering his fist onto the newsdesk for emphasis. “It is utterly ludicrous to suggest that Her Majesty could be a woman of colour. Damn it, if she had any Afro-Caribbean blood in her, we would surely have seen the signs by now. I mean, she hasn’t got down to those wild drum beats and tribal dances during Royal visits to former African colonies and certainly has never played the steel drums!” Porker’s statement, unsurprisingly, left many speechless. “Really, that’s just racist,” responded Swarm. “Next thing, he’ll be claiming that Meghan Markle wears a bone through her nose and wears a grass skirt while performing topless tribal dances! I’m afraid this just goes to show exactly why Her Majesty has sought to keep her secret under wraps – this is exactly the sort of reaction she’d have to endure every time she made a public appearance!”

Not all Tory MPs, however, agree with Porker, with fellow back bencher Jason Smythington-Smugg declaring his support for the queen and urging her to ‘come out’ and embrace her true heritage. “If the head of state were to reveal herself as black it could only reinforce the message recently delivered by our Commission on Race Ethnic Diversities that ‘institutional racism’ is a myth in the UK,” he smarmed to ITV’s Robert Peston. “After all, if a black person can be embraced as our monarch, then clearly there can be no racism in the UK, let alone its main institutions. Moreover, it would give such encouragement to every other person of colour in the UK, that they don’t have to settle for a life as a drug dealer or pimp, that there are other paths to wealth and success.” Porker remains unconvinced. “This is utterly preposterous! She can’t be an exemplar to black people because she isn’t bloody black!” he shouted, sweating profusely and clutching at his chest during an appearance on Newsnight. “If she was, then surely the rest of her family would be? I don’t recall Princess Margaret, the Queen Mother or George VI looking as they had a touch of the tar brush, for God’s sake!”

According to Swarm, the Queen’s alleged true complexion is the result of a ‘genetic throwback’. “It’s generally thought that Queen Victoria was porked by a visiting African prince, back in the day,” he explains. “Apparently, she was desperate for it at the time as Prince Albert was incapable of performing his duties after having too enthusiastically indulged in the genital piercing that now carries his name.” The African genes supposedly lay dormant in the Royal bloodline until Her Majesty, although some historians disagree as to their origin. “I think that it would be wrong to lay this all at the door of Queen Victoria,” muses TV historian Dr David Starkers. “While she was, indeed, a highly sexed woman, I doubt that there would have been the opportunities – there just weren’t so many damn blacks about then, you see.” Starkers believes the culprit was more likely to have been Queen Charlotte, wife of George III, who, during her husband’s madness, might well have sought solace with a black courtier. “It is notable that George III was always vehemently opposed to the abolition of slavery, despite his Prime Minister William Pitt’s enthusiasm for the cause,” he says.

Suspicion has been thrown upon Swarm’s motivations for making these claims about the Queen. “I think that it is clear that it is his intent is on causing mischief,” says Daily Excess political columnist Dirk Strain. “Based on his past track record I’d say that his intent ids to ferment unrest by deliberately provoking the right and taunting them into making their ridiculous statements like those of Mark Porker.” Indeed, Strain suspects that Swarm’s ultimate aim is to turn the extreme right against the Royal Family by invoking their innate racism and bigotry. “He know that the alliance of bigots, isolationist, Imperialists, neo Nazis that helped deliver Brexit will never be able to countenance being ruled by a black woman, so will call for the abolition of the monarchy,” he speculates. “That, in turn, will split them away from he traditional conservatives, resulting in chaos. You know, it is a cunning plan and the right are so stupid, it might just work.”