Vatican Sex Scandal?

The shock resignation of Pope Benedict XVI has sparked intense speculation as to the reasons for his sudden decision to step down from the Papacy, with rumours of a sex scandal being the favourite explanation. However, Father Emilio Gazungas, the Jesuit priest in charge of Vatican security, has moved quickly to quash such stories. “These sorts of stories always surface whenever a Pope dies or, as in this case, steps down,” he told The Sleaze in an exclusive interview. “The unbelievers, infidels, sodomites and Methodists just can’t wait to discredit the Holy Father when he is at his most vulnerable. It is all lies.” Nevertheless, despite his denials of any Papal wrongdoing, Gazungas does admit that a huge stash of pornography was recently discovered inside the Vatican. “It came crashing through the ceiling of St Peter’s Basilica, where it had been hidden,” the priest explains. “It was terribly embarrassing – there was a service going on at the time. Right in the middle of the sermon part of the ceiling collapsed, showering the priest and congregation with plaster and explicit pornographic magazines! I’m just thankful that the Holy Father himself wasn’t there to witness this outrage.” Gazungas is adamant that the porn collection – which had grown so large that the ceiling could no longer its weight – did not belong to the Pope. “A junior cleric at St Peter’s later admitted responsibility – he has since been excommunicated. I take solace from the fact that it was nun porn he was looking at rather than anything to do with choirboys,” he sighs. “That would heve been a scandal too far for the church.”

Although the ’Papal porn stash’ rumours have been proven false, stories of a connection between Pope Benedict and disgraced Radio One DJ and sex offender Jimmy Savile have emerged over the past twenty four hours. “Apparently, a photograph of the Pope, or Cardinal Ratzinger as he was at the time, with Jimmy Savile has turned up online,” says notorious anti-Catholic campaigner Art Jiggler, whose best-selling book Jiggery Popery claimed to expose several Papal scandals suppressed by the Vatican over the centuries. “It mysteriously vanished as quickly as it appeared, but it allegedly showed the current Pope with Savile in St Peter’s Square, surrounded by young choir boys. Both of them are supposedly grinning from ear to ear in the picture and waving their big cigars.” Jiggler believes the reports of the photo could have credence, pointing out that Savile, at the height of his fame, insinuated himself into the orbits of many of the world’s most famous and influential people. “Hell, the kiddie fiddling weirdo was even awarded a Papal knighthood for unspecified ‘services’.” He points out. “So he must have known some very influential people inside the Vatican – he might even have had the ‘goods’ on some of them. You know – compromising photographs with nuns and choirboys.” This line of speculation has been fuelled by Pope Benedict’s statement that he was retiring as he believed he was ‘too old’. “Too old for what? To chase choirboys?” asks Jiggler. “I mean, there’s no way a man of his age could hope to catch them – they’d be far too quick for him. Unless he used his crook to pull their legs from under them, of course.”

Father Gazungas is aghast at such allegations. Nonetheless, although the Jesuit priest initially tried to dismiss the mystery photograph as a fake, created in photoshop by Muslim extremist homosexuals, he now concedes that it is probably genuine. “It was all perfectly innocent,” he claims. “The Holy Father was just a Cardinal back then and this Savile character took advantage of his good nature to arrange this photo opportunity with those children. He had no idea that Savile was a radio DJ, let alone a sex offender.” Gazungas also points out that, as a Cardinal, Pope Benedict XVI had been in charge of investigating many of the sexual abuse scandals afflicting the church. “He was completely against this sort of thing,” he says. “It is outrageous to suggest that he would have knowingly consorted with a child molester.”

Meanwhile, other rumours claim that the Pope’s shock resignation is linked to his Nazi past, with several websites alleging that embarrassing revelations from his time in the Hitler Youth were about to surface. Once again, Gazungas is quick to issue official denials. “I can categorically deny that there are any pictures of His Holiness with Hitler, or driving a Tiger tank, or working as a concentration camp guard,” he told us. “Such claims are ludicrous – like many young people in the 1940s he was a member of the Hitler Youth, but that was simply like joining the Boy Scouts. He was very young and, contrary to certain rumours, never attained his ‘Genocide Merit Badge’.” Jiggler believes that Gazongas protests too much and remains convinced by stories of a faded photograph showing the future Pope being awarded the Iron Cross by the Fuhrer in 1945. “The church has spent decades trying to destroy every copy of that picture – just like they managed to destroy every record of the award itself,” he declares. “A former Nazi war criminal once told me that the medal was awarded to the Pope for his work shooting down allied bombers whilst serving with an anti-aircraft battery.”

In addition to spreading several unfounded rumours about the reasons for the Pope’s resignation, the author has also called Father Gazongas’ credibility into question. “How can we believe any of his denials?” Jiggler says. “Let’s not forget that he’s actually the Vatican’s chief fixer, paid to cover up scandals and deflect any fall-out from the Pope.” Indeed, Jiggler claims that the priest has been instrumental in successfully covering up a number of major Vatican scandals, most notably the truth behind the sudden death of Pope John Paul I after only thirty three days in office. “The reality is that he died of an overdose – an overdose of holy relics,” he alleges. “John Paul I was addicted to snorting the ground up bones of dead saints – he believed it infused him with the divine spirits of these holiest of men. His addiction saw him abuse his position to raid shrines throughout Christendom for the raw materials to satisfy his cravings!” Finally, an attempt to snort the dust of three saints- two of them martyrs – simultaneously proved too much for the pontiff and his heart gave out. “Gazongas spent hours disposing of all the evidence of John Paul I’s activities,” asserts Jiggler. “Not only did he hoover up the pile of bone dust the Pope’s body was found slumped over, but he ensured that all the stolen relics were replaced – with fakes, naturally. If anyone was ever allowed to run tests on most of these so-called holy artefacts, they’d find they were actually chicken and dog bones!” Gazongas, naturally, denies Jiggler’s allegations. “Lies, all lies,” he sighs, shaking his head wearily. “The heretics and fornicators who spread such untruths will surely burn in Hell.”