Outfoxing Boris

There are growing calls for Boris Johnson to be culled, following claims that the London Mayor had bitten off a baby’s finger in South London, after he had entered the child’s bedroom through an open window. “I walked into the room to find the bastard standing over her cot, with the baby’s hand in his mouth,” claims Terry Chinner, the baby’s father. “Luckily I was too quick for him – before he could escape I managed to grab him and stick my own hand down his throat and retrieve my kid’s finger before he swallowed it!” Whilst the rogue Mayor escaped in the ensuing struggle, doctors were later able to reattach the baby’s finger. Johnson’s office has denied that the Mayor was south of the river at the time of the attack, describing the allegations as ‘ludicrous’. However, this isn’t the first time that Johnson has been accused of attacking children. Two years ago it was alleged that he had mauled two children whilst they slept. According to the children’s mother, thirty-two year old Brenda Flange, the Mayor sneaked into her Balham home on Saturday night, whilst she and her partner watched television. “We’d left the patio doors open because it was so hot – that’s how he must of got in,” she says. “The stealthy bastard must have crawled behind the sofa, before creeping upstairs while we watched Britain’s Got Talent.”

Flange was alerted to the attack when she heard the children, aged five and three, screaming in terror. “I rushed up the stairs, thinking they were having nightmares, or something,” she told a local newspaper. “But when I reached their room I was shocked to find Boris Johnson standing there, bold as brass!” According to Flange, the London Mayor didn’t attempt to flee, instead standing his ground. “He just stood there, staring at me and making some kind of unintelligible mumbling sound,” she recalls. “Even when my partner ran into the room and lunged at him, Boris refused to move, he just waved his arms and blustered a bit more.” Several of the Flange’s neighbours have told the press that, since his re-election as Mayor, Johnson has been becoming ever bolder in his forays into the borough. “Before he beat Ken Livingstone the second time you’d never have seen him outside of Kensington or Knightsbridge, and certainly not this far South of the river,” opined Jim Glerk. “But lately he’s been seen around Balham in broad daylight, exhibiting no fear of the local working classes whatsoever.” According to Glerk, Johnson seemed particularly active during the mayoral elections, often seen running with other local Conservatives. “I’ll tell you, I was amazed at their audacity,” admits Glerk. “They were going right up to people’s front doors, sticking leaflets through the letter boxes. A couple of times, I even saw them knock!”

However, many experts have cast doubt upon Flange’s allegations, pointing out that there has never been a recorded instance of Boris Johnson attacking a child. “Everybody knows that, despite its bluster, Johnson is essentially a gentle, inoffensive creature,” says Prime Minister David Cameron, who claims to have known the Mayor since he was a cub rummaging through the bins at Eton. “He’s far more likely to be found scavenging for votes, than savaging children.” Indeed, Cameron believes that the whole incident was a misunderstanding, and that the Mayor had actually been trying to canvass the children for votes. “Obviously, he was confused – who wouldn’t be with poll ratings like his – and forgot that they were too young to vote,” he says. “Let’s not forget that when examined by doctors, it was found that the children had suffered no physical injuries, they merely suffered a severe shock.” Cameron even suspects that Johnson could be being made a scapegoat. “We have no proof beyond the Flange’s word that he was ever in the house,” he points out. “I mean, are they even fit parents? They admit to watching Britain’s Got Talent, for God’s sake? Isn’t it possible the children were traumatised by being allowed to watch that, and these people are using Boris as a scapegoat to cover up their mistreatment?”

For its part, the Mayor’s office has claimed that the attacks ascribed to Johnson are simply cases of mistaken identity. “Witnesses are clearly confusing urban foxes for the Mayor,” a spokesperson told a press conference. “In a certain light it is very easily done.” The spokesperson went on to claim that urban foxes were notorious for breaking into houses, attacking children and stealing cars. “Really, more than half the crimes in London are the work of foxes,” the spokesperson claimed. “That’s why the Mayor is calling for the furry red bastards to be culled.” Indeed, the spokesperson even suggested that there could be a political motivation for the urban fox crime wave in London. “It’s obvious that they are acting at the behest of embittered former Mayor Ken Livingstone,” the spokesperson explained. “Whilst so far they’ve been trying to frame Boris for their crimes, now that this plan has failed, they’re going to plan B.” According to the spokesperson, Ken Livingstone had been seen rounding up urban foxes and training them to attack effigies of Boris. “We genuinely fear for his safety,” the spokesman declared. “Any day now, at a public engagement, Boris could find himself engulfed by a horde of foxes and torn to pieces!”

Not surprisingly, there are growing suspicions that the Mayor’s office’s calls for London’s urban foxes to be culled is simply an attempt to divert attention from their boss’s own nocturnal activities. “All these stories of foxes attacking children are clearly part of a plan to demonise the creatures, blaming them for Boris’s crimes,” declares wildlife expert Johnny Twine. “Which is quite ridiculous, as everyone knows, foxes are shy and retiring animals, which eat large insects and birds, not babies.” Twine also points out that, with the ban on hunting, the urban fox population is gradually declining, as the creatures return to the country. “If those bastards like the local Hunt in David Cameron’s constituency would just stop breaking the law and hunting foxes with dogs, the rest of the vulpine population would leave London altogether,” he muses. As far as the public is concerned, the argument seems to be swinging in favour of the foxes, with growing calls for a cull of Boris Johnson. Indeed, Balham council has alreadyconfirmed that a local Conservative councillor trapped in the garden of the Flange house had been gassed. “We know it’s not quite the same thing as a Mayor,” said a spokesperson. “But it’s the principle that matters.”