For Queen and Country

Whilst England’s football team might have suffered an ignominious exit from the recent Euro 2016 tournament, outplayed by Iceland in the first knock out stage, its hooligans, after a shaky start, performed much better in a series of increasingly violent encounters with their Russian counterparts. Indeed, extraordinary tales of valour are still emerging, as returning fans share their ‘war stories’ in pubs up and down the UK, with stories of near miraculous interventions by celebrity hooligans being reported. “I couldn’t believe my eyes at first, but it was definitely Her Majesty,” convicted football hooligan Tommy Tupper told top tabloid The Shite. “She was right in the thick of it, rallying the British fans against those Russian bastards! I never knew that she was into football, but there she was, hurling chairs and bottles at the Russkis like a pro!” Tupper, who was tear gassed by French police in Marseilles during the now infamous pre-match ruck between English and Russian football thugs, has sensationally claimed that Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II spent part of her 90th birthday weekend at the heart of the violence which marred Euro 2016. “Obviously, she had to be back in Blighty in time for that party on the Mall on Sunday, so she was clearly making the most of the time she had there,” Tupper claimed. “At one point I saw her engaged in a bare knuckle fight with this huge Russian thug – she was getting the better of him when three of his mates turned up and surrounded her! I thought she was a goner for sure, but then Prince Philip appeared out of nowhere, leaping in and felling one of the bastards with flying drop kick, before taking out the other two with a roundhouse kick!”

According to Tupper, it wasn’t just Her Majesty and the Duke of Edinburgh present at the street battles between fans. “Prince Charles was definitely there, swinging a bicycle chain around, while Camilla was laying the boot into any fallen Russian bastard she could find,” says Tupper. “As for that Kate Middleton – I never would have thought that she’d know such language! She was really giving those Russians the verbals when wasn’t going for them with a broken bottle.” It seemed that Her Majesty hadn’t just brought her family along for some celebratory violence. “I spotted several top British politicians there, presumably at Her Majesty’s insistence,” he told the tabloid. “Mind you, most of them weren’t anywhere near as enthusiastic as the Queen. I saw David Cameron cowering behind some dustbins as everything kicked off – typical bloody Villa fan. Michael Gove wasn’t any better – he kept saying ‘You wouldn’t hit a man with glasses on, would you?’ to every Russian hooligan who came near him. Thankfully, they all would, it seemed.” Boris Johnson was equally ineffective, Tupper claims. “He just bumbled around waving his arms and mumbling unintelligibly,” he recalled. “He’d clearly lost his bottle. Theresa May was for more effective – she was screaming ‘If you think you’re hard enough, come and have a go!’ at groups of Russian thugs – I saw her lay out at least three with her bare fists.”

The hooligan believes that the performances of the Tory politicians may have had a bearing on the subsequent Tory leadership election. “It stands to reason doesn’t it? The Queen obviously saw Gove and Boris bottling it and decided there was no way she was having either of them as Prime Minister,” he mused. “But she liked what she saw of Theresa May – clearly a woman after her own heart when it comes to football violence – and obviously told Cameron to rig the leadership contest in May’s favour.” The most effective political intervention in the fight, however, turned out to be a complete surprise. “At one point the Russians had a group of us cornered in an alleyway, battering us with chairs, paving slabs, bottles, anything they could lay their hands on,” recalled Tupper. “Then who should come down the alley after them but Labour leader Jeremy bloody Corbyn! He was dressed in chain mail and riding a horse! He was a bloody revelation, I’ll tell you! He just waded in, swinging a sword and shouting ‘For Chairman Mao, Tony Benn and Karl Marx!’ The Russkis just scattered, utterly terrified!” Despite the Labour leader’s well publicised pacifist beliefs, Tupper insists that Corbyn showed no qualms with regard to dealing with the Russian hooligans.

“He was smacking them left, right and centre with the flat of his sword, kicking any bugger who came near the horse in the face and shouting abuse – he seemed well wound up,” says Tupper. “I put it down to him being an Arsenal supporter – those Gooners can be real animals when the violence starts – the red mist just comes down and they’re away!” Indeed, Tupper suspects that it is the Labour leader’s footballing affiliations which might have resulted in him being mistakenly labelled an anti-Semite in some quarters. “Someone reckoned they heard him shout ‘Kill the Yids’, while he was in the thick of the fight,” he says. “Obviously, that was just him getting carried away as an Arsenal supporter – in the heat of the moment a derogatory comment about arch rivals Tottenham, who style themselves ‘The Yids’, just slipped out and was misconstrued as anti-Semitism by some people.” Tupper has no doubt that if Corbyn was to apply the skills and attitude he demonstrated in Marseilles to his leadership of the Labour Party, then he would be racing ahead in the polls. “He certainly wouldn’t be facing a leadership challenge if he’d chinned that Angela Eagle and kneed Tom Watson in the bollocks,” he opined.

Tupper’s claims have been widely dismissed, with official sources denying that either the Queen, David Cameron or Jeremy Corbyn had been involved in the outbreak of hooliganism. Indeed, there have been suggestions that his claims might be related to either the tear gas he inhaled or the blow to the head he suffered when hit by a bottle thrown by a Russian hooligan. “I know what I saw,” he retorted. “Why is the idea that Her Majesty might want to lead her loyal subjects against some foreign bastards? There’s nobody more patriotic than England’s football hooligans – she was obviously proud to be leading us from the front. It was like Henry V at Agincourt all over again!” Indeed, Tupper has claimed that the Royals were clearly keen to get back to the action in France. “Didn’t you see Prince Philip telling the driver to put his foot down during the motorcade down the Mall that Sunday?” he asked. “He and the Queen obviously couldn’t wait to get the event over and head back to France and the violence.”