The Organ Snatchers

Has Top Gear presenter and prize cock end Jeremy Clarkson inadvertently blown the lid on a sinister new government plot? Top conspiracy theorist Will Cupstock believes that Clarkson’s recent controversial remarks on a BBC chat show contain important clues as to a secret government policy to harvest the organs of unsuspecting accident victims. “It was toward the end of his monotonous rant about the unemployed and public sector workers being an utter waste of tax-payers money – he said that if they wanted to be useful, they should all shoot themselves in the head so that their vital organs could be redistributed to the deserving middle classes,” says the associate editor of Practical Conspiracies. “Then he started going on about how bloody selfish people who committed suicide by throwing themselves in front of trains were, as their bodies were always so mangled that their organs were no use for transplants! He suggested that they should cut their wrists instead, as taking an overdose could damage their livers and kidneys, rendering them useless for anyone else!” Whilst the motoring journalist’s remarks have been dismissed by most commentators as the ill-informed and boorish ramblings of a minor semi-celebrity desperate to generate publicity for his forthcoming book and DVD, Cupstock believes that Clarkson’s close links with Tory Prime Minister David Cameron and other leading right-wing figures give his comments greater significance.

“Look, Clarkson isn’t just any common-or-garden knee-jerk reactionary, he’s got the PM’s ear,” opines Cupstock. “His remarks were no accident – they’re clearly part of a campaign to get public acceptance of this appalling new policy to asset strip British citizens of their organs. The first stage of such propaganda campaigns is always to seed the idea in the public consciousness by means of the popular media – when you have someone like Clarkson dropping the idea into a chat show rant, it helps to legitimise it for his fans. Once you have that body of support, it is much easier to sell it to the wider public.” Cupstock is convinced that the timing of Clarkson’s comments is crucial to the success of the government’s plans. “They’ve already proposed changing the current rules on organ donation, so that you have to opt out of donation, rather than opting in by carrying a donor card – if you die in an accident, even if you aren’t carrying a donor card, they’ll be able to whip your organs out,” he explains. “Clarkson is clearly popularising the idea that to refuse organ donation is fundamentally selfish and anti-social – the sort of behaviour you’d associate with undesirables like public sector workers or mentally ill people who throw themselves in front of trains!” The conspiracy theorist suspects that Clarkson’s links to the secret plans go even deeper. “He and his cronies on Top Gear have spent years encouraging people to drive faster and pouring scorn on health and safety measures like speed cameras,” he points out. “What was virtually the first thing his friend David Cameron did when he became Prime Minister? Institute massive spending cuts which forced many councils to scrap their road safety measures and turn off their speed cameras! Next thing, they’re proposing to increase the speed limit! It’s quite clear that the bastards are trying to create a vast supply of fresh organs, supplied by car crash victims!”

But what motivation lies behind these plans? Is it simply to ensure that more organs are available for NHS patients? “Believe me, most of those organs won’t be going to NHS hospitals,” Cupstock says. “According my sources in Whitehall, organ collection and transport is going to be outsourced to private contractors as part of the government’s NHS reforms – Health Service hospitals will have to compete with other bidders to buy the organs they need from these companies.“ Cupstock is convinced that the move is designed to ensure that NHS patients only receive the lowest quality organs, with the remainder going to exclusive private clinics for the benefit of their wealthy clients. The conspiracy theorist believes that the ultimate aim of the policy is to extend indefinitely the power of Britain’s ruling elites. “These bastards want to increase the supply of organs available for transplant in order to keep themselves alive, it’s as simple as that,” he declares. “Not satisfied with economic and political hegemony, they now want to maintain that control in perpetuity. Imagine how frustrating it must be for Rupert Murdoch, say, to spend a lifetime building up a commercial empire, only to find himself old and frail when it reaches its zenith. Rather than enjoy the fruits of his labour, he has only the prospect of eventually handing it over to his son, Mini-Rupe. But just imagine if he could carry on for a few years more? Or, even better, rejuvenate himself? Wouldn’t it be worth snatching a few working class organs to realise such a dream?”

It isn’t just super-wealthy media magnates who are set to benefit from this state-approved organ snatching, Cupstock argues. “It’s the same for politicians. Do you really think Dave relishes the thought of eventually being pensioned off to the House of Lords when he gets too old to cut it in the Commons?” he asks. “Of course not. Let’s face it, if Winston Churchill was willing to try the old monkey gland treatment in the 1950s to try and stay in Downing Street, you can bet your life that Cameron will steal a few organs.” Sources close to the government have poured scorn on Cupstock’s claims, labelling him a ‘nut’ and dismissing the very idea that they are planning to purloin the organs of the lower classes. “Have you seen the proletariat lately? They’re all ghastly obese creatures, wheezing and coughing as they crawl from the off licence to the next fast food outlet,” Tory peer and former Eton classmate of David Cameron, Lord Felch of Putney, snorts derisorily. “As if any person of class would allow organs from such degenerates inside their bodies! That’s if they could find any organs in them that weren’t completely clapped out or riddled with disease.” However, Cupstock points out that the whole secret strategy specifically targets motorists as potential organ donors. “Which group is the most likely to die in speed-related road accidents, eh?” he asks. “Young working-class men – who are more likely to be a relatively good state of health, their vital organs barely used! The perfect candidates for providing spare parts for our ruling elite!”

Unimpressed by Cupstock’s arguments, Lord Felch has pointed out that the changes to the law on organ donation were originally proposed by Labour Prime Minister Gordon Brown, in 2008. “Nobody could accuse Brown of being some kind of public school educated elitist out to rob organs from the poor to give to the rich.” He says. “Where does that leave his insane conspiracy theory?” According to Cupstock, Brown’s secret organ donation policy was completely different to the evil one being pursued by the current government. “His idea was to use the proceeds from the sale of organs to wealthy foreigners to fund the NHS, thereby ultimately benefitting the less well off,” he explains. “The present government, by contrast, simply wants to exploit the poorest sections of society for the benefit of its wealthy friends – the bankers have already had your money, now they want your heart and lungs as well!”