“It was incredible – one minute I was paddling in the fountains by Nelson’s Column, the next thing I knew I was stark bollocking naked with a massive erection, ejaculating all over myself! I thought my nads were going to explode,” says Stephen Fetch, who witnessed the recent London terror attack in which a young female passenger apparently ‘sexploded’ on the top deck of a bus as it passed through Trafalgar Square. “The Square was just full of naked moaning bodies, it was horrible. The whole top deck of the bus seemed to have been blown off and there was jism and cum spattered all up the wall of the National Gallery!” One passenger who miraculously survived the incident was able to describe what happened. “I saw her on the top deck before the explosion – she was sitting only a few feet away from me,” says forty-seven year old accountant Leon Horsey, describing the suspected sex bomber. “She seemed quite normal, but then she started giving the come on to every young bloke who got on the bus – after a few stops she had five guys all over her! It was bloody disgusting – she was half naked, panting and crying in ecstasy! I was just about to go and complain to the driver when she just ‘went off’! I can’t really describe it except as a high pitched screech followed by a huge wave of sexual energy which blew everyone’s clothes off and induced involuntary orgasms!”
Horsey is still nursing a set of perforated eardrums and severely strained gonads. Police investigating the incident believe that as she reached her sexual climax, the girl was able to hit the so-called ‘O-note’ as she screamed. “It’s like the ‘brown note’ which allegedly causes people to crap themselves, except that it induces orgasms in anyone who hears it,” explains the Metropolitan Police’s Detective Chief Inspector Ron Grommet, who is heading the investigation. “Obviously, a release of uncontrolled sexual energy on such a large scale as occurred in Trafalgar Square will, inevitably, be highly destructive.” Indeed, the only trace which could be found of the girl were a few shreds of underwear and her handbag, leading investigators to believe that she had been completely consumed by the ‘sexplosion’, along with the five men seen groping her. “We believe she needed these men to provide sufficient stimulation for her to be able to produce the ‘O-note’ as she climaxed,” opines Grommet. “Being so close to the epicentre of arousal, they bore the full brunt of the ‘sexplosion’ – ejaculating so vigourously that their bodies disintegrated.” An examination of the girl’s handbag revealed perhaps the most disturbing aspect of this latest terrorist atrocity: far from being some working class slapper from a council estate, she turned out to have been an apparently normal middle-class, private school educated, teenager from Harrow. “We never suspected anything – Felicity seemed quite normal – she was a member of the Pony Club, went to the Hunt Ball and drank Pimms! We just don’t understand how this could have happened,” sobbed her distraught mother, Sarah Brim. “Mind you, she did seem to develop an unhealthy interest in boys after she got back from that Swiss finishing school we sent her to – there was a different boyfriend every few days! And she’d started buying all that flimsy lingerie! She’d never shown any interest in such things before she went away!”
However, the Capital barely had time to recover from this shocking development before suicide sex bombers struck again, this time in Piccadilly Circus. “I picked up these two posh birds on The Strand – they were part of a hen night crowd that had been on a pub crawl. They were obviously very drunk and started snogging each other on the backseat,” explains London cabby Bob Diddle. “Now, I’m pretty broad minded, but these two were all over each other – I’d just had the cab cleaned and didn’t want any stains on the seats, so I stopped and was about to kick them out when I noticed there was smoke coming from between their legs!” Realising something was wrong, Diddle dived out of his cab just as the windows shattered. “I avoided the flying glass, but I’m afraid I was left with a mess in my trousers, both front and back,” says Diddle. Several other late night revellers in Piccadilly Circus also suffered involuntary ejaculations, although this time the effects of the ‘sexplosion’ weren’t so severe. Most significantly, both of the would-be suicide sex bombers survived and were taken into police custody. “We can confirm that they are both from middle class backgrounds, and both attended a Swiss finishing school within the last eighteen months,” says Chief Inspector Grommet, who now fears that terrorists may have infiltrated certain continental finishing schools for young ladies, brainwashing innocent teenage students and sending them back to the UK as sexual terror machines. “We still aren’t sure exactly how they’re being indoctrinated – perhaps it’s based on giving these aimless, middle-class girls, otherwise destined for meaningless lives of social frippery, some sense of purpose and importance.”
Grommet also believes that this incident has given his investigation valuable new insight into the modus operandi of the suicide sex bombers. “Clearly, in order to reach their deadly climax, significant sexual stimulation is required – regardless of whether its source is male or female. Indeed, it might even be possible for them to detonate themselves by use of an artificial sexual stimulant, be it a dildo or a cucumber. However, the stronger this stimulation, the greater the force of the ‘sexplosion’ – the Piccadilly Circus incident was probably less severe due to the fact that there was only one ‘stimulator’ rather than five,” he says. ” Alcohol also seems to play a part – the girls in the cab were blind drunk, and several witnesses reported that the bus bomber seemed slightly inebriated.” Consequently, the police have warned the public that, under no circumstances, should they approach sexually aroused well spoken and well dressed young women, particularly if they appear under the influence of alcohol, regardless of the level of provocation.
With London in a grip of fear, the authorities have introduced a number of measures designed to minimise the risks posed by what the press have dubbed ‘suicide shaggers’. These include a ban on young women wearing provocative clothing in public places, curfews for teenage girls and restrictions on the sale of vibrators, dildoes and any other form of artificial sexual stimulant. However, the Home Office has ruled out the use of Anti Social Behaviour Orders (ASBOs) to curb the movements of middle class girls and keep them away from public places. “This would be quite inappropriate – ASBOs are designed for use against working class yobs on council estates, not decent young women from the Home Counties,” explained a spokesperson. The police have also announced that they have specially trained teams of officers on stand-by to render suspected suicide sex bombers harmless with controlled orgasms.
Indeed, earlier this week these officers were called into action at Marble Arch underground station, when late-night passengers found themselves being terrorised by a semi-naked girl making sexually provocative suggestions. “These three coppers chased her down the Southbound platform and into the carriage, where she tripped and fell over,” claimed an eyewitness. “They stood over her and one pulled out a black dildo and unloaded it into her five or six times between the legs – she writhed, groaned a bit and then was still! It was amazing – the coppers seemed completely immune to her deadly advances!” Scotland Yard refused to comment on the techniques used by the officers, other than to say that the incident had completely vindicated their decision to employ openly homosexual policemen.