“There’s no doubt that Hague’s got his mojo back – as soon as the first missile was launched at Libya, he was moaning in ecstasy and pounding the cabinet room table with his fist,” alleges former Downing Street aide Jim Stonkwell, whose amazing claims have raised the possibility that the true motivation behind the recent military intervention against Colonel Gaddafi is less about humanitarian concerns, than a desire for sexual gratification on the part of some European political leaders. “When he got up to go back to the Foreign Office he was doubled up – even when he did manage to straighten up, he was walking bow-legged. It was so obvious that he’d got the mother of all stalk-ons. Either that, or he’d shit himself.” Although Stonkwell’s claims have been dismissed by the government – with Downing Street sources pointing out that he was recently dismissed from his post following allegations of sexual misconduct – many commentators have remarked upon the startling change in the Foreign Secretary’s demeanour since the commencement of UK military action in Libya. “Before, he was a sad, broken, figure, shambling around aimlessly. It was as if that SAS debacle in Benghazi had rendered him impotent,” muses Arnold Figgler, foreign correspondent of popular tabloid the Daily Norks. “But now he’s swaggering around, defying his military advisors by boasting that Gaddafi himself could be a legitimate target. He’s looking like a man reinvigorated. There’s no doubt that these military strikes have put the lead back into his pencil.”
Figgler believes that Hague’s macho approach to the Libyan crisis will allow him to finally shake off the persistent rumours as to his sexuality. “It’s the perfect answer to his critics,” the reporter says. “He can now argue that there’s no way any limp-wristed shirt lifter would have had the balls to kick Libyan ass the way he has – using overwhelming military force to solve a problem is the mark of a real man.” But Stonkwell is adamant that Hague has literally been aroused by the use of force against Libya. “Look, everybody knows that he couldn’t get it up before this – it’s not uncommon for the pressures of power to render men impotent,” he asserts. “But damn it, as soon the bombs started falling, he was hurrying off to the toilets, trousers bulging, shouting ‘Who needs aircraft carriers? They could launch Harriers off of my knob!’ I’m betting his wife has never had it so good – I doubt if she can even walk straight right now!”
According to Stonkwell, who denies that his departure from Number Ten was precipitated by William Hague’s rejection of his unwelcome advances, which allegedly included sticking his todger into a finger roll, smothering it with ketchup, before slapping it on a plate and presenting it to Hague as a hot dog, the Foreign Secretary isn’t the only politician using the strikes on Libya as a sexual stimulant. “You should have seen how Cameron reacted when the first cruise missiles were launched – his knuckles were white, he was clutching the edge of his desk so tightly. I swear the whole thing rose at least six inches in the air, his bonk on was so powerful,” he says, adding that such reactions aren’t confined to UK politicians. “Just look at that President Sarkozy in France – a middle aged man with a younger, very attractive wife. Is it any wonder he’s been so keen to start firing missiles and dropping bombs? As for Berlusconi in Italy, heck, he needs to start pepping his libido up if he’s going to keep all those young girls happy.”
In the wake of Stonkwell’s claims, a former adviser to several US Presidents, Zeke Crockstein, has gone public with similar allegations. “It’s the truth – the whole invasion of Iraq was about Dubya getting it up. After all those years of booze and drugs, he just couldn’t get it past half mast, and even then only for thirty seconds at a time,” the sixty-eight year old recently told the The Weekly World Shopper. “The day Desert Storm kicked off, he called me into the Oval Office and said ‘Zeke, I want you to feel this’, dropped his pants and whipped his old man out. I tell you, it was rock hard!” Warming to his theme, Crockstein opined that it was no coincidence that President Clinton had never felt the need to start any wars whilst in office. “Hell, it’s clear he didn’t need any help in the trouser department,” he observed. “It’s probably the same reason Obama is so keen to extricate himself from this Libyan shenanigans – he obvious that he doesn’t need it to keep his end up.” Sources close to former President George W Bush have been quick to point out that Crockstein spent several years in a high security Federal facility, after Secret Service agents found him apparently trying to take the President roughly from behind. Despite the adviser claiming that he had been performing the Heimlich manoeuvre on Dubya, who had been choking on a pretzel, he was detained as a terrorist suspect.
Professor Jerry Mire of the West London Institute of Basket Weaving explains that the aphrodisiac qualities of war are well established. “The whole symbolism of war is clearly sexual – just look at all those phallic missiles and bombs,” he muses. “And before the modern age it was all spears and swords – not mention cannon balls. It’s quite clear that through the ages war has, for many, been a substitute for sex.” Mire, whose book on the subject, The War Lovers, is published next week, argues that the weapons of war are frequently deployed as penis-substitutes for the impotent, sexually inexperienced and poorly endowed. “Quite apart from the obvious example of Mrs Thatcher’s penis-envy in relation to the Falklands war, just look at way in which military recruitment campaigns emphasise how wearing a uniform and wielding a big gun will ‘make a man of you’,” he says. “Not only that, but just look at the emphasis placed upon penetration – all that thrusting of bayonets and plugging with bullets, for instance.”
However, the academic believes that the reality of war is anything but sexually arousing. “That’s what they don’t tell you in the recruiting ads – there’s nothing more likely to kill an erection than being shot at, or attempting to bayonet a complete stranger to death,” he points out. “The fact is that it is only those sat safely behind their desks hundreds of miles away who get a kick from this sort of stuff.” Stonkwell, meanwhile, is claiming that the Foreign Secretary’s war-fuelled sexual fixation is getting worse. “Last week he visited a nuclear submarine base in Devonport,” he reveals. “According to my sources, he insisted on sitting astride a Tomahawk cruise missile, caressing the shiny metallic fuselage between his legs and moaning ‘Oh yes baby, you really blow me away’. It was really embarrassing, apparently. It’s clear this Libyan business isn’t going to end any time soon.” The Foreign Office has declined to comment on these latest allegations.