Category: Religion & Royalty

Are aliens actually demons in disguise? Vice President Vance’s views on true nature of extraterrestrials sparks fundamental changes in US protocols for alien contacts. Emphasis now on conversion to Christianity and exorcism rather than communication. Teams of specially trained priests on standby to exorcise and send back to Hell any alien visitors to US soil.

Is heaven too woke? Amid fears that Donald Trump will be barred from liberal heaven due to his conservative views, top Republican slams world’s religions for being too woke, too concerned with liberal values, equal rights and being nice to other people. Proposes takeover of major religions to facilitate reworking of heaven for the ordinary guy – paradise with guns, booze and broads on demand.

Has the Second Coming finally arrived? ‘Transactional Jesus’ announces arrival via popular podcast, performs miracles for cash and heals on health insurance. Claims he is bound to follow prevailing trends of modern society and needs to finance his church. New Messiah courts controversy with sponsorship deals including endorsing new crypto currency as Trump tries to take credit for Second Coming occurring in US.

New book investigating alleged sex lives of top saints draws religious ire. Is it cheap and possibly blasphemous sensationalism or a serious study of the humanity behind the divine? Author claims book makes religious figures more approachable by allowing average people to identify with holy icons who experience normal sexual urges and temptations, while top bishops claim he is trying to undermine the magnificent mystery of the faith.

Woman returns from grave claiming to have been evicted from hereafter for anti-social behaviour. Cleric claims she has been resurrected in rejuvenated form in order to have chance of redeeming herself again on earth. Reluctant son-in-law forced to take her in as her assets already bequeathed to beneficiaries of will, fears he and future generations of family will be stuck with the unrepentant sinner indefinitely.

Was the burning down of Mel Gibson’s house in California wildfires a case of divine judgement? Was the Almighty trying to tell Mel to walk back the anti-Semitism, misogyny and crazy right wing politics? Conservatives dismiss idea, instead claiming fires more likely a judgment on modern Soddom and Gomorrah that is liberal Hollywood. Either that, or ‘Jewish Space Lasers’ are being used to target industry conservatives.

Will Church of England run talent contest to select new Archbishop of Canterbury? Could new Archbishop come from outside denomination? Claims that candidate ‘auditions’ so far have included Voodoo witch doctors sacrificing chickens at evensong and Satanists practicing Black Mass, orgies and buggery at Sunday service.

Did Queen Elizabeth II rise from the grave to disrupt King Charles’ coronation and wrest the crown from his head? Astounding claims from viewers who claimed to have witnessed living dead Royals, including Queen, Queen Mother and Prince Philip launch zombie attack on coronation ceremony on live TV. Mass hallucination or republican plot?

Are Royal Family a bunch of racists who hunt ethnic minorities for sport in inner city areas? Is Prince William a hard drinking bar brawler? Is his brother a trigger happy psychopath, mowing down his own soldiers by mistake? Rival Royal experts respond to Prince Harry’s book ‘Spare’ with more bizarre Royal claims.