The British criminal justice system has been rocked to its very foundations by a series of newspaper revelations concerning the alleged misconduct of several high profile judges. According to a recent article in the Daily Excess, a High Court judge was caught having sex with a defence barrister in his Old Bailey chambers during a recess. “I just went in there with some case papers, and there they were banging away on the desk,” claimed shocked court clerk Ted Numbles. “It was highly irregular – he was still wearing his wig and gown, even though the court wasn’t in session!” The Excess’s investigations, this was not an isolated incident and, for some time now, His Honour Judge Cundy has been offering lenient sentences in exchange for sexual favours from female defence lawyers and defendants. “Apparently he had a sliding scale,” a source in the Ministry of Justice told the paper. “Hand relief – or ‘banging his gavel’, as the Judge himself preferred to describe it – could get up to three years knocked off a sentence, longer if they let him ejaculate over their breasts, a blow job could result in anything up to seven years off, whilst full intercourse might result in a suspended sentence. It is rumoured that one defendant was discharged completely after a four in a bed romp involving the defence barrister, solicitor and the defendant herself.” One unnamed female defendant – who received a community service order, despite being charged with attempted murder, after a ‘plea bargaining’ session with the Judge – told the newspaper that His Honour referred to his penis as ‘Exhibit A’, or sometimes ‘the blind instrument of justice’, and would shout “the court will rise” as he got an erection and “case dismissed” as he climaxed. In several cases, the Excess alleges, the judge bribed court officials to allow him to use the court room out of hours for his sex games – the female barristers would be brought before him in chains as he donned the black cap and sentenced them to “death by my hanging salad”, before ‘taking them down’ and shagging them senseless on the bench until they begged for clemency. “Hardened criminals were queuing up to appear before him,” said an unidentified source at the Old Bailey. “Word quickly got around that the best way of getting off was to get an attractive young female defence team with short skirts and lots of cleavage. He wasn’t known as a hanging judge so much as a well hung judge.” Although Judge Cundy has been suspended pending a psychiatric report, there have been suggestions that the article was part of a vendetta being waged against the British judiciary by the Daily Excess’s editor, Ron Bigwadd.
“It surely isn’t a coincidence that Cundy was the same judge who found against the Excess in that ‘Nazi sex orgy’ privacy case,” says Dan Fondue, law correspondent of the Sunday Bystander. “He ruled that there was no public interest defence for the paper publishing covertly snatched photos of that Premiership footballer masturbating in bed, even though he was wearing a coal-scuttle helmet and ejaculating over a picture of Mussolini.” However, Bigwadd has denied that his paper has any such agenda, claiming that the exposure of Cundy was a mere coincidence, pointing out the next member of the bench they targeted, Judge Berkeley Hunt, had no connection with the earlier case. Hunt, a close colleague of Cundy and a fierce critic of the Excess’s repeated invasions of individuals’ privacy, found himself the subject of a story alleging that he had taken to cross-dressing in court. “We first became suspicious when he told us that he’d got a new wig,” a Court Service source told the paper. “Next thing we knew he was presiding over an attempted murder trial wearing a long blonde woman’s wig – he was flicking his hair back like a model in a shampoo advert all through the opening arguments! It gave a whole new meaning to the term Queen’s Bench!” Judge Hunt apparently told court officials that the traditional horsehair wig had been bringing up a rash on his scalp and that the blonde wig was far more comfortable. However, on the second day of the trial the paper alleges he turned up wearing an off-the-shoulder evening gown, black stockings and high heels. He proceeded to clash with one of the prosecution’s expert witnesses, telling her that her shoes clashed with her skirt and that large women should avoid stripes. During his summing up he dismissed the evidence of another witness, saying that anyone so totally lacking in basic dress sense couldn’t possibly be trusted. “For far too long British courts have been hidebound by tradition – the wigs and the gowns are archaic and make us seem out of touch,” Judge Hunt said in a statement responding to the story. “I was merely seeking to put the participants in this case at ease by dressing in a natural and non-intimidating manner.”
Bigwadd insists that the only motivation for the stories is public interest, and has promised further revelations. “Surely the public has a right to know what the so-called independent judiciary are getting up to on their tax money,” he declared. “Are a bunch of cross-dressing sex maniacs really the kind of people we want dispensing so-called justice in this country? It’s no wonder the public have lost confidence in the criminal justice system when it is presided over by degenerates like this!” Opposition politicians have been quick to jump on the bandwagon, condemning the judges’ conduct and calling for a purge of the judiciary to remove overly ‘liberal’ judges from office. “Its a bloody disgrace, I blame the permissive society,” says Tory law and order spokesman Harry Johnson, who also writes a weekly column for the Excess. “These judges are a sad reflection of the degenerate society created by the liberal ‘anything goes’ values of the 1960s and 1970s. What we need are more good old-fashioned hanging judges who are not too afraid of the wishy washy human rights lobby to crack down hard on offenders.” Johnson believes that the criminal justice system needs a thorough overhaul and non-custodial forms of punishment, such as public floggings and the stocks, should be brought back. “Its the only way to bring society back from the kind of immoral decadence represented by degenerate judges like Cundy and Hunt,” he says. Sir Adam Splitrump, a former High Court judge, also believes that the criminal justice system needs urgent reform, to the extent that he has opted out and set up his own court for ‘immoral offenders’ – including prostitutes, homosexuals, social workers and young people in general – and his own correctional institute. “Private individuals can bring offenders the system can’t touch before my court,” says Splitrump, who has converted his lounge into a courtroom and his cellar into a prison. “Rest assured that they will be properly punished – with the whip, the cane, even the gallows where necessary.” He is currently on remand, awaiting trial on several counts of assault and attempted murder. “This proves the law is an ass,” says Bigwadd, who has started a campaign in the Excess for Splitrump’s release. “Privatised justice where the verdict goes to the highest bidder is exactly what this country needs. This man should be presiding over the court, not appearing before it!”