Fears have been expressed for the mental health of some former Tory Prime Ministers following their recent erratic public behaviour and bizarre statements. “Look, any day now Liz Truss is going to be wandering around the streets in a chicken suit, accosting strangers with her claims that she was the victim of a conspiracy rather than her own incompetence,” top psychotherapist Dr Ron Purtell told The Sleaze. “As for Boris Johnson – his memoirs have revealed his desperate need for attention with all the bizarre claims he makes in them.” Indeed, it is Johnson’s memoirs – currently being serialised in the Daily Mail – which have drawn the attention of appalled former aides and civil servants. “Everybody knows that Johnson is an inveterate liar, but these so-called memoirs simply go too far,” declares Harold Humpner, who served as a senior civil servant in the Ministry of Defence during Johnson’s tenure in Number Ten. “I mean, he’s just making it all up as he goes along!” In particular, the memoir’s claims that Johnson planned to send the SAS to break into a warehouse in the Netherlands (a NATO ally) and steal Covid vaccines, have incensed the retired public servant. “It’s absolute bollocks, to put it finely!” he splutters. “The reality is that he tried to order us to send the SAS round to his local Superdrug pharmacy to kick down the door and seize those thousand boxes of viagra they’d refused to dispense to him on the grounds that it was a non-essential drug!”

A former Downing Street aide, however, claims that there was a plan to send the SAS to the Netherlands – but not for vaccines. “It was at the height of lockdown and the plan was for them to raid sex shops in Amsterdam for sex aids, lubricants and condoms, score some weed and to kidnap some prostitutes in order to keep those illegal lockdown parties at Number Ten well stocked,” claims Tim O’Cockler. “They were getting through all that stuff at a fantastic rate – they were dumping exhausted prostitutes round the back of Number Ten at such a rate they were beginning to pile up – so t isn’t surprising that Soho had run out of them and foreign sourcing was the only answer.” The proposed raid was eventually vetoed on the grounds that it would represent an inappropriate use of government resources – not to mention being even more difficult to explain away than Dominic Cummings’ lockdown trip to Castle Barnard. According to O’Cockler, other claims made by Johnson in the book are, at best, gross exaggerations. “He claims that he called off the alleged SAS vaccine raid on the Netherlands as he didn’t want to worsen relations with the EU following Brexit, alleging that France’s President Macron had already tried to give him a punishment beating,” he says. “This all stemmed from an incident when a balaclava clad figure had leaped out at Johnson as he walked through a dimly lit alley one night, swinging a baseball bat at his knees. The Prime Minister swore that his assailant had smelt of garlic and had cursed him in a French accent.”

The reality, the former aide claims, was somewhat more sordid. “I’m not saying that the Prime Minister was skulking around a back alley in dead of night with the aim of forcing a rear entry into the home of a secret lover and his attacker was her enraged husband,” muses O’Cockler. “But I do recall the assailant telling the police in his own defence: ‘It wasn’t so much her infidelity, but rather her lack of taste and self-respect that pushed me over the edge’.” The whole business, the ex-aide recalls, was hushed up with the suspect let off with a police kicking. Both O’Cockler and Humpner agree that the single most bizarre claim that Johnson makes is that he once saved Downing Street from a female suicide bomber who had somehow managed to gain entry into the Cabinet Room, just before a meeting of the entire cabinet. “He claims that he threw himself at the woman, landing on top of her on the Cabinet Room table,” says Humpner. “According to Johnson, his oft-derided bulk smothered the explosive device she carried sufficiently that when it exploded it only blew their clothes off – which was why cabinet ministers walked in to find him naked, grappling with her on the table.” O’Cockler adds that the woman was subsequently identified as a Downing Street secretary and that no trace of explosives was found on her. “He reckoned that he was only groping her breasts because he thought they might be false and contain more explosives,” he says.

But Johnson isn’t the only former failed Prime Minister currently plaguing the public with wild and nonsensical claims. “Look, somebody needs to do something about Liz Truss – now,” says an anxious Dr Purtell. “It’s clear that she’s in the middle of a serious mental breakdown, doubtless caused by her refusal to accept that, despite having been Prime Minister, she is now considered someone of no significance whatsoever, ignored by both the public and former political colleagues.” He points to the fact Truss is currently wandering around, giving talks to empty rooms and interviews to media outlets that nobody listens to, in a desperate cry for attention. Her latest humiliation being her appearance at the Conservative Party Conference fringe, claiming that she is the victim of an ‘underground transgender mafia’ plotting against her and which brought down her premiership. “Presumably this is separate from that Marxist cabal including the Bank of England and the stock market she previously identified as the cause of her downfall,” observes O’Cockler. “Or maybe they are linked – perhaps, somewhere, there’s a Venn diagram showing the intersection of the groups conspiring against Truss, which will reveal their leadership as being a Marxist transgender economist formerly called Bernard, but now identifying as ‘Sandra’, a lady truck driver from Dartford.”

Humpner is equally dismissive of Truss’ claims. “She has also been claiming that if she had still been PM, then the Tories would have won the last election,” he sighs. “This, despite the fact that her forty eight hours, or whatever it was, in Number Ten had crashed the economy and driven both her and her party’s popularity ratings to somewhere below those enjoyed by Jack the Ripper at the height of his Whitechapel murder spree. Not to mention that at said election, even her constituents decided that they couldn’t stand her any more and voted her out as their MP!” Dr Purtell remains of the opinion that Truss requires urgent psychiatric help. “If she was anyone other than a former Tory Prime Minister, she’d have been sectioned months ago,” he opines. “Isn’t it about time that her friends, relatives and colleagues staged an intervention for the sake of her mental health?”