“Look you are all wrong when it comes to Jesus – he’s not some wishy washy bleeding heart do-gooder, like the liberals make him out to be,” claims thirty four year old Lloyd Driggler, speaking to popular tabloid The Weekly World Shopper. “In reality, he’s a man’s man, totally macho, with no time for the faint hearted – he believes in a two-fisted approach to doing God’s work. I should know – I’ve met him!” The Arkansas tyre fitter’s claims have caused consternation across the Christian faith, with many dismissing him as a deluded crank, while others have accused him of having a political agenda. Driggler, however, has stuck to his guns, adamant that, while in a ten day coma after being hit on the head by a truck tyre, he actually ascended to heaven and spent time with the Son of God himself. “It was touch and go for me after that tyre hit me – I was hovering between life and death and I found myself ascending this celestial staircase, wreathed in mist,” he explains. “At the top was a door with frosted glass, with the words ‘Saloon Bar’ etched into it – I pushed it open and found myself in a bar full of joyful people, all laughing and joking! There at the bar, at the centre of it all, was Christ himself! He was unmistakable, what with his stigmata!” To Driggler’s surprise, the Messiah invited him over for a drink. “Up close, I could see just how masculine he was – utterly ripped in fact! Nothing like that weedy guy with wispy beard and sandals they always show in pictures,” he muses. “This guy was six foot tall and clearly pumped iron daily and had a beard like a lumberjack. I’m telling you, he was all man and wasn’t taking shit from anyone! I was impressed – this was a Messiah I could relate to!”
Driggler freely admits that, prior to his heavenly visit, he hadn’t really been a believer, put off by what he saw as the watered down version of Christianity preached by mainstream churches. “None of it really connected with my own core beliefs,” says the three-time Trump voter. “Sure, helping the poor and less fortunate is all well and good, but don’t they say that God helps those who help them selves? So, instead of giving them money or free food, shouldn’t we be inspiring all those losers and down and outs to get off their butts and get jobs, no matter how shitty they are? Some do-gooder in a robe, preaching peace and goodwill is never going to inspire people to actually get up and go get what they want! But a manly Jesus who takes no prisoners and kicks butt in his fight against sinners is just the guy to do it! A macho Messiah is what America needs right now!”
Driggler’s claims have left many theologians somewhat perturbed, with many contending that this adrenalin-pumped Jesus is at odds with the actual teachings of Christ as revealed in the testaments. “The New Testament makes it quite clear that the teachings of Christ are grounded in love for your fellow man: love thy neighbour, I am my brother’s keeper, to to others as you would be done by and so on,” points out the Reverend Dr Stanley Ballsover, Dean of the Peoria College of Theology and Veterinary Studies. “The Biblical Jesus certainly has no problem with the idea of feeding the hungry masses, particularly with loaves and fishes or in giving succour to the sick and poor. The closest he comes to ‘kicking butt’ is when he throws the money lenders out the temple – and even then he doesn’t kick the crap out of the sinners! Indeed, forgiveness and understanding are his modus operandi!” Ballsover has expressed relief that Driggler hadn’t gone further in his characterisation of a ‘macho Messiah’. “I suppose that we should be thankful that we were spared claims that he regularly shagged ten women a night with, miraculously, no sign of fatigue, for example,” he sighs. “Or tales of his epic drinking sprees which always culminated in him and his ‘apostles’ going out, slapping Mary Magdalene and giving some homosexual, transvestite, transsexual or ethnic minority a bloody good kicking, in a further attempt to completely undermine the true Christian message!”
For political commentator Joel Sprinkton, the most fascinating aspect of Driggler’s recollections is its role in attempting to reposition Jesus as a messiah for MAGA. “The guy admits to being a Trump voter and I’m guessing that he’s probably a gun owner with strong views on race, women, homosexuals and transsexuals,” he opines in his regular column in the Boston Antiques Review and Mart. “So, it is hardly surprising that his is a pretty conservative version of Jesus – certainly not the liberal, tolerant, do-gooder preaching love and understanding who tends to dominate modern interpretations, but rather a proactive, militant, Messiah who engages the enemies of God not with pure spirituality, but actual physical prowess. This is a version of Christ that the average Trump supporter can relate to – a crusader against sinners (who all happen to be Democrats), who encourages his followers to stand up for the ‘righteous’ (who, of course, would all be Trump voters).”
Others have noted homoerotic undertones in this version of Jesus, which, they contend, rather undermine the non-woke overtones of Driggler’s story, which clearly seeks to position this manly Jesus as a riposte to ‘liberal’ speculations about a non-gendered or, even worse, a female God. Ideas which make the right and Christian traditionalists very uneasy. “There’s no doubt that a macho, muscle-bound Jesus does sound like some sort of homoerotic fantasy, (and let’s not forget that, according to scripture, Jesus spent his time hanging out with twelve other guys and never married),” says Professor Jerry Mire, Chair of Sociology at the East Grinstead Academy of Horticulture. “Indeed, I was intrigued by some of the details of Mr Driggler’s story, which include a description of Jesus leaning in and firmly grasping his thigh, not to mention the drinking session that culminated in a nude wrestling match between him and the Messiah. All very suggestive.” For his part, Driggler is clear on the subject of Christ’s sexuality. “There’s nothing gay about Jesus! Let’s not forget that bit of the Bible where he says that going with another man is a sin – a bit which the liberals always try to gloss over because it is so inconvenient to their version of Jesus,” he asserts. “I can’t help it if they can’t handle the fact that Jesus is a crusader against sinners who believes in fighting fire with fire? Like that time I saw him have a bar room brawl with Satan, who had tried to sneak into the heavenly bar, despite having been barred an eternity ago.”
