Embattled Prime Minister Gordon Brown has angrily denied that he only won a recent Commons vote through promising sexual favours to rebel Labour MPs and Ulster Unionists, in order to guarantee their support. “These are absolutely outrageous claims – at no time did I tell any backbenchers that I’d give them a blow-job if they voted for the Bill,” he told BBC News, insisting that his government had won the debate through reasoned argument, not sexual bribery. “I can also quite categorically deny tabloid newspaper reports that bus loads of prostitutes were delivered to the back entrance of the Commons in advance of the vote!” However, both opposition MPs and the press are convinced that Brown resorted to underhand tactics in order to pass the new Bill which will allow police to hold terror suspects for up to forty-two days without charge. “Frankly, I’m appalled that some Members of this House are prepared to sell our civil liberties in exchange for a quick hand job round the back of the Commons tea room,” Tory leader David Cameron declared to the Commons following the vote. “Has the Prime Minister really become so desperate that he has to stoop to such measures?” Adding to the Premier’s woes, the Daily Excess is threatening to publish transcripts of several taped telephone conversations which appear to undermine his denials of involvement in any impropriety over the vote. “They’re absolute dynamite – in one Brown can clearly be heard trying to persuade a rebel backbencher to vote for the Bill,” says the newspaper’s Deputy Editor, Ron Bigwadd. “Eventually the MP becomes completely exasperated and tells Brown to ‘stick up your arse, Gordon’. Brown responds by asking him where, when and by how many inches.” Although dismissed by Labour loyalists as ‘Tory dirty tricks’, there is no doubt that the voice on the tape sounds remarkably like the Prime Minister. Worse still, several of the MPs allegedly bribed to vote with the government have come forward to explain why they changed their stance on the controversial Bill. “I know that many of my constituents are surprised by the way I voted, bearing in mind the fact that I was implacably opposed to the measures beforehand, but the Prime Minister put me in an impossible situation,” says Labour backbencher Harold Toenail. “He just kept on ringing me at all hours of the day and night to try and persuade me to change my mind. It was quite disturbing, but I wouldn’t budge. He finally asked me what he’d have to do to convince me to alter my stance – I never thought he actually would ride a bicycle naked around my kitchen, before bending himself over the kitchen table and allowing me to spray his buttocks with salad dressing before spanking him with a stick of rhubarb! But after he’d done that, it would have been rude of me not to keep up my end of the bargain!”

Other MPs have alleged that it wasn’t only his own ‘services’ that the Prime Minister was offering in exchange for support in the crucial vote. “He told me that if I voted for the extension of detention limits to forty-two days, then Education Minister Ed Balls would be my bitch for the duration of this Parliament,” claims Sally Strappler, Labour MP for West Middlesex and a vociferous opponent of Brown’s proposals. “There’s no denying that I wasn’t tempted by the thought of unfettered access to those firm young buttocks, but there are some principles more important than having Ed Balls dressed only in a frilly apron doing my dusting every day.” Several Ulster Unionist MPs have also come forward to admit that they too, were bribed by Gordon Brown with bizarre promises. “It is true that Mr Brown agreed to allow me to ride him bareback around my Westminster office, whilst he whinnied like a horse,” declares David Arse, leader of the Unionist Bastards Alliance, claiming that his decision to ‘blow the whistle’ on the government’s desperate tactics was prompted by Brown’s failure to fulfil all of his promises. “The Prime Minister also assured me that he could obtain some highly sought-after (in Loyalist circles, at least), pornography featuring pictures of the Pope and Mr Tony Blair naked in bed together. However, this has failed to materialise.” The Reverend Niall Nesbolt, leader and sole MP of the Ulster Naturist Association, has also revealed the incentive which persuaded him to support the government in the vital vote. “Mr Brown has promised us that, in future, every twelfth of July, we will be able to parade naked – apart from our bowler hats and umbrellas, obviously – through Catholic areas of Belfast and Londonderry,” explained the sixty-seven year old. “This represents a significant step forward in our mission to bring the benefits of naturism to those Fenian heathen textiles. Surely the liberty to walk naked and unfettered through Papist strongholds is well worth exchanging some other minor civil liberties for?”

However, some political commentators have claimed that the Premier’s alleged behaviour is actually accepted Parliamentary practice. “The use of sex to buy votes is nothing new,” opines Professor Dick Littlehampton, Chair of Politics at the London School of Catering. “Since at least Palmerston’s time in office the Whips’ offices have had on-call prostitutes on stand-by before major votes. When Lloyd-George was in power they even had a dedicated brothel on-site at the Commons – it was just off the lobby for convenience.” According to Professor Littlehampton there are several precedents for Brown’s supposed tactics. “I remember Eden sending the Tory whips out into Soho to round up every available rent boy during the Suez crisis in ’56,” he says. “And we all know that the Lib-Lab pact which kept Jim Callaghan in power in 1978 was sealed in a sleazy Soho strip club, with the Prime Minister, clad only in a Stetson and cowboy boots, entertaining all nine Liberal MPs with a routine involving a lasso.” Nevertheless, the media frenzy surrounding this latest bizarre political sex scandal refuses to abate, and is now threatening to engulf Brown’s premiership completely. “If my Right Honourable friend is disappointed that he missed out on my alleged sexual favours, then I’ll gladly give him the opportunity to kiss my arse right here and now,” Brown told opposition leader David Cameron, dropping his trousers and mooning the Tory benches, during an angry clash in the Commons. However, Brown loyalists are confident of winning any no-confidence votes. “Not only have we just got in a fresh consignment of hot Dutch porn, but if push comes to shove, we’ve got some of Europe’s top specialist sex workers on retainer – S&M, femdom, golden showers, you name it, we can supply it,” says Labour Party Assistant Secretary Frank Crutchless, who dismisses fears that such extravagant spending on prostitutes could bankrupt the party. “Look, if things get hairy, we can always send Harriet Harman and Jacqui Smith down to Soho to tout for business.”