“I watched in horror as my fiancé’s genitals swelled to over twelve times their normal size – he was screaming in agony, fearing that his testicles might explode,” claims Harriet Hopjoy, describing the horrendous ordeal endured by her boyfriend Damien Joghurst, when he participated in a drug trial at a London hospital last month. “It was horrible to watch – these swollen mounds of flaccid purple flesh, unrecognisable as the organs which had given us so much fun in the past, seemed to be in danger of engulfing Damien!” After an agonising forty-eight hours of frantic emergency treatment, which included his okra and prunes being packed in ice, lanced and finally beaten with a shovel, Joghurst’s genitals began to return to normal. However, the twenty-eight year old data entry clerk remains severely traumatised, with doctors warning that he might continue to suffer after-effects for several months. “He hasn’t said a word since they managed to deflate his bits,” says Hopjoy of her fiancé, who now only communicates by pointing out letters on a board with his battered bum-tickler. “Not only that, but he still doesn’t have full feeling in his scrotum and apparently there’s a risk that sudden erections could result in his penis having to be amputated – I’m afraid to have sex with him in case it snaps off inside of me!” Joghurst wasn’t the only one of the ten participants in the trial to suffer bizarre side effects – within half an hour of being administered the drug, another man’s penis grew to four feet long and hardened like iron. “He suddenly became very aggressive, and started running around the ward, smashing beds and medical equipment with his tallywhacker,” Joghurst told The Daily Excess (with which he has signed an exclusive deal worth several thousand pounds for his story), furiously tapping out his story with his own upstanding member. “Several medical staff who tried to stop him were seriously injured when he hit them with his rock hard passion stick – it was a miracle nobody was killed! I just thank God that he didn’t escape onto the streets and bludgeon some poor child to death!” The patient’s ramrod rampage was finally brought to an end when he was subdued with horse tranquillisers. Even unconscious, it took thirty six hours for his raging hard on to subside!
The company conducting the trial, pharmaceutical giant Enoch Diddly Ltd, claims that participants have greatly exaggerated the problems experienced – probably in the hope that they can claim compensation and insurance payouts. “Participants in these trials do sometimes suffer bad reactions – they’re warned of this beforehand,” explains Dr Roland Purvoy, Enoch Diddly’s Research Director. “I suspect that the problem here lay with the participants, rather than the drug being trialled – it was designed to help men suffering erectile dysfunction and all of the subjects signed an affidavit stating that they suffered from this condition. Obviously, if someone with normally functioning genitals took the drug, it could have serious side-effects.” Purevoy believes that with each triallist being paid £2000 to participate, the temptation to lie about their medical condition might have been too much for some of them. Whilst the company maintains that the trial was supervised by two of its top research scientists, in line with strict government safety guidelines, Pat Rumplow, founder of ScienceWatch – an organisation dedicated to exposing the evils of scientific research – has cast doubt not just on the experiment’s supervisors, but also its avowed aims. “These same two supposedly responsible researchers also presided over an equally disastrous drugs trial last year, when one woman’s breasts exploded after swelling to seven times their normal size, wrecking two wards and blowing a hole in the side of the hospital hosting the tests,” says Rumplow. “A second woman, whose breasts had also inflated enormously, floated out of the hole and drifted across London for over two hours, causing a major security alert when she flew over Downing Street!” The unfortunate woman was eventually brought back to earth after police sharpshooters positioned on the British Telecom Tower succeeded in puncturing her breasts with rifle fire. “They might claim that these bizarre experiments were carried out in the name of medical science, but the reality is that they were just doing them for the hell of it,” asserts Rumplow, himself a former research scientist. “They’re just drunk on their own power – once they put on that white lab coat they think they’re God! I’ve been there myself – one minute you are earnestly trying to find a cure for athletes foot, the next thing you know you are amputating the infected feet of hundreds of lab monkeys to see if you can get them to grow back! I just thank the Lord that I managed to stop myself before I progressed to the human testing stage!”
Unlike Rumplow, who believes that most scientists are simply misguided and that their work ultimately has no scientific value, investigative journalist Henry Kirklees is convinced that the majority of scientists are actively evil and engaged in research programmes dedicated to developing new means to subjugate humanity. “Take this recent drug trial – that man with the rock hard penis was an unsuccessful prototype for a new breed of soldier who could grow his own weapons! We should be grateful that he didn’t try masturbating – I have it on good authority that his ejaculations would have penetrated armour plating,” he explains. “As for the other fiasco, far from being an attempt to develop a pharmaceutical means of breast enlargement without the need for surgery, it was clearly intended to produce flying suicide bombers!” Kirklees believes that the public is far too willing to accept that scientific research is actually benign and beneficial to society. “The participants in these drug trials were simply naive. Weren’t they suspicious when they saw that the two scientists in charge – Dr John Garth and Dr Jim Brewster – looked suspiciously like Boris Karloff and Bela Lugosi? Didn’t they question why Garth always wears black gloves, or why Brewster was so hairy and walked with his knuckles dragging on the ground?” Asks the reporter, whose investigations have uncovered that five years ago both scientists were severely censured by Royal Society for injecting a serum derived from the spinal fluid of apes into unsuspecting drug triallists. “When the ape-men they’d created went on the rampage, Brewster ended up getting a shot of his own serum and Garth’s hands were severely scarred in the resulting laboratory fire – they’ve been using drug trials to covertly find cures ever since!” Kirklees is also of the opinion that the research division of Enoch Diddly that the two scientists worked for – Genetic Mutation and Creature Research – should also have alerted participants in the drug trial to the potential risks they were facing. “If you look in the company’s internal telephone directory all the research divisions are listed – including World Domination, Human Subjugation, Radioactive Experiments and Death Rays,” he claims. “Surely everybody knows that these multinational corporations are just a front for dangerous international criminal organisations run by twisted scientific geniuses and hell-bent on world domination?” Although Enoch Diddly Ltd have refused to comment on Kirklees’ allegations, they have issued an ultimatum to the British government that if the reporter isn’t publicly executed within forty eight hours, they will destroy Birmingham with an army of radioactive zombies.