“You can imagine my surprise when one of the aliens pulled off its head to reveal Chancellor George Osborne’s face,” alien abductee Derek Prangler told the West London Flying Saucer Review. “At first I thought that it was some kind Invasion of the Body Snatchers pod people replicant thing, but then the other one pulled his head off to reveal he was David Cameron, before they started jabbering away to each other in these awful public school accents. I knew then that they were the real thing!” Prangler, who claims that he was abducted whilst driving along a lonely road in East Anglia late one night last month, thinks that the ‘aliens’ hadn’t realised that he’d regained consciousness when they revealed their true identities. “After they’d snatched me from my car, I awoke to find myself in a brightly lit white room, strapped naked to a table, whilst these two creatures went through the pockets of my clothes – they seemed especially excited by my wallet which had three hundred quid in cash in it,” he recalled. “They were so busy arguing over my cash that they hadn’t noticed I’d woken up when they took their disguises off. Until then they’d looked like the classic alien ‘Greys’, with the huge eyes, slit mouths and no noses, afterwards they just had no chins.” Not realising that their subterfuge had been penetrated, the top Tories resumed their disguises and returned to the table to probe the helpless Prangler.

“I say probing, but it seemed to consist mainly of burning my chest with what looked suspiciously like normal cigarettes, tweaking my nipples and slapping my genitals with a paddle,” he told the Review. “Finally, they bent me across the table and thrashed my backside with a riding crop. All the while they were jabbering away through what sounded like a cheap electronic voice changer. Eventually I realised that they were trying to get me to tell them the PIN number for my credit and debit cards!” In the face of such excruciating pain, Prangler once again lost consciousness, awaking several hours later, back in his car. “My arse was on fire and my wallet empty,” he claimed. “Obviously, I must have cracked and given them my PIN numbers, as I later found that that the bastards had cleaned out my accounts and maxed out my credit cards!” Prangler has speculated that the Prime Minister and Chancellor’s bizarre masquerade is part of a wider plot to try and lay the blame for the UK’s continued economic woes on the activities of aliens. “Blaming it on the last Labour government and the Eurozone crisis is wearing a bit thin, with Labour opening up a lead in the polls, the government is desperate to deflect attention from the fact that its own economic policies are to blame for driving us further into recession,” he mused in the magazine article. “Obviously, money snatchers from outer space is a perfect solution – they can say it wasn’t our friends the bankers taking your money, it was the evil aliens! A brilliant plan to cover up economic incompetence. Either that, or it was some kind of Bullingdon Club prank!”

Whilst Prangler’s extraordinary allegations have been dismissed out of hand by political commentators and UFO experts alike, leading economist and conspiracy theorist Abe Niblock suspects the abductee might be closer to the truth than he realises. “It’s no coincidence that the economic downturn has been accompanied by a huge upsurge in UFO incidents in the UK,” he told the most recent issue of Practical Conspiracy Digest. “The worse it gets, the more abductions, cattle mutilations and sightings of strange lights in the sky there are.” Niblock believes that a clear reactionary theme emerges from this recent activity. “Just take that bloke back in February, who claimed to have been snatched from his bed by aliens and taken on an interplanetary trip in their flying saucer,” he says. “He stated that he’d been shown one of their vassal planets, which they kept under the yoke of excessive taxation. The abductee described it as being a horrendous tyranny with the enslaved population being forced into compulsory education and health care, with no choice of suppliers. He also noted that the alien spaceship commander looked remarkably like a bald and earless Ed Miliband.” The abductee, Niblock points out, was subsequently returned to earth, where he joined the Conservative Party and became a local councillor. “He was ejected from a meeting of Staines District Council only last week,” he says, “after he attacked a Labour councillor, attempting to pull off her ‘mask’ so as to prove that she was really an alien!”

Niblock also cites cases of mass alien molestations on several of the UK’s biggest council estates – all located in Labour-held parliamentary constituencies. “There are more cases like this being reported every week – young working class people, often unemployed and on benefits, being abducted from the street and forced into humiliating menial labour by the aliens,” he explains. “They are forced to clean spaceships and are frequently beaten by their ‘masters’, sometimes even sexually molested!” According to Niblock, these abductees have also reported violent interrogations during their captivity and being returned to earth minus all their cash, cards and jewellery. As far as Niblock is concerned, only one conclusion can be drawn from this UFO activity. “I don’t think that there can be any doubt that the government is involved in creating some kind of fake alien threat,” he states. “They’re quite obviously trying to scare people, but their plan is far bigger than just deflecting attention away from their economic incompetence – the fake alien threat is actually their economic Plan B!” Niblock contends that the government is planning to stage an alien invasion to stimulate the economy. “It all makes perfect sense: they can’t possibly admit they were wrong to cut government spending,” Niblock says. “But if a powerful alien threat manifests itself, they’ll be able to increase defence spending and research and development of advanced weapons technology without appearing to be doing an economic U-turn!”

Niblock believes the scheme is multi-faceted, designed to simultaneously address several of the crises facing the Tory government. “It’s a brilliant plan – all those abductions have helped instil a culture of fear, enabling them to justify increasingly oppressive security measures and curbs on civil liberties,” he muses. “The victimisation of the poor is obviously intended to reinforce the ‘correct’ social order and as for those ‘interrogations’, the Tories are clearly trying to establish why the poor won’t vote for them!” However, he thinks that the Tory party’s dominance by over-privileged former public schoolboys is in danger of derailing the plan. “Whilst they can dismiss witnesses like Derek Prangler as deluded nutters, the continued emphasis on anal probes and floggings in these abductions is a dead giveaway as to the ‘aliens’ true origins in Britain’s public school dormitories,” he says. “That and the cattle molestation incident in Devon – I believe that was a case of the local Young Conservative Farmers Association getting a bit carried away: they were meant to mutilate those bulls, not shag them.” Nevertheless, Niblock is expecting the government to launch its fake alien invasion very soon. “I wouldn’t be at all surprised to see hostile spaceships appearing at the London 2012 Olympics opening ceremony,” he opines. “There are certainly enough clues as to the Olympic connection: the huge military build-up at the venue and those bloody mascots, which are quite clearly aliens. Believe me, I think we’re likely to see a few of the athletics teams vapourised live on TV. Only those from countries with no real medal hopes, of course. It would be bad for the sponsorship deals if any of the top athletes were disintegrated before they had a chance to win gold.”