For a fifth consecutive day, mobs have been besieging French, Italian and Irish embassies around the world, apparently in protest at the publication of topless photos of the Duchess of Cambridge in those countries. With the authorities apparently unable to control them, there are reports from several countries of embassies having been overrun by the mobs, with diplomatic staff assaulted and even stripped, before being made to parade naked in the streets, their humiliation recorded on the mobs’ mobile phone cameras. “It was the most terrifying experience of my life,” Irish embassy worker Sinead O’Cock, who found herself at the mercy of a rabid mob in London yesterday explains. “They smashed their way into the embassy and began tearing it apart! Then they started grabbing us and dragging us out into the street – I thought they were going to kill us!” In the event it wasn’t O’Cock’s life which turned out to be at risk, but rather her modesty, as frenzied rioters ripped off first her blouse, then her bra. “They were shouting and baying stuff at me, like ‘See how you like it bitch’ and ‘If we can’t see the real thing we’ll look at yours instead’,” the obviously still traumatised clerk recalls. “Then they forced me to run the gamut of their phones!”
The mobs appear to be exclusively English males, (although there have been unconfirmed reports from Spain and Germany of some Scottish and Welsh participation), and united by one thing – their apparent outrage over the recent publication of paparazzi pictures of Kate Middleton’s knockers. “At first we assumed that their fury stemmed from moral repugnance at the gross invasion of a member of their Royal Family’s privacy that the publication of these pictures represented,” says top media analyst Horace Dump, of the East Slough College of Crafts. “But, as it turned out, we were completely wrong. It quickly emerged that these mobs were outraged by the fact that they couldn’t access the pictures themselves in the UK. They resented the fact that foreigners could freely ogle the royal breasts, whilst they were forbidden to do so!” Indeed, thirty-four year old Eric Fringe, who admits to having been part of the mob that stormed the Irish embassy in London, has confirmed this. “Nobody went there with the intention of breaking in, but we just caught up in the heat of the moment,” the Basildon leg waxing technician told a tabloid newspaper in an exclusive interview. “It just seemed so unfair – as loyal British subjects and taxpayers, if anyone should have a right to feast their eyes on those Royal jugs, it’s! But instead these foreign bastards were getting them for free – if it isn’t bad enough that they come here and take our jobs, now the bastards are stealing our sacred regal mammaries!”
With Prince William and his wife having now obtained an injunction against further publication of the pictures, the authorities have expressed the hope that the disturbances might now abate. “With the Royal norks safely back under lock and key, they might finally realise that they are not for the eyes and grubby masturbatory fantasies of the common people,” a spokesperson for Buckingham Palace told Horse and Hound magazine. “Besides, you would have thought that if they were that determined to see them, they would simply have looked on the web like everyone else.” However, far from dying down, the last twenty four hours have seen reports of further disturbances – this time in several Commonwealth countries. “Damn it, eventually she’ll be our Queen too, we have just as much right to see them. For God’s sake, we’ve already had Prince Harry’s cock shoved in our faces, we just want something us Royalist blokes can whack off over,” Vancouver resident Pierre Felcher – who was arrested for his part in attacking the French consulate – told the press. “We know these bastards have got copies of those pictures despite the court order to destroy them! As for looking them up on the web – not all of us are technically gifted enough to do that, for God’s sake! Besides, would anyone really want search terms like ‘Kate’s knockers’ or ‘Royal funbags exposed’ on their work computer?”
But just what is driving this frenzied desire to see Kate Middleton’s breasts? One expert believes that it could be the result of a conditioned cultural response. “British men are inundated with pictures of women’s breasts by the very tabloids now refusing to print the Kate Middleton pictures. Their pages are full of topless models whose personalities are apparently defined by their cup size and covertly snatched pictures of celebrities baring their breasts,” explains Professor Gina Labiette, head of Feminist Studies at Cleckheaton Institute for Metal Work. “If it isn’t that, then they are being invited to ogle the breasts of ‘reader’s wives’ in magazines and websites. Consequently, they are conditioned to believe that it is their absolute right to see any woman’s breasts. Indeed, until they do see them, they become the subject of endless speculation as to their appearance.” Labiette believes that the Duchess of Cambridge needs to take radical action in order to quell the hysteria over her breasts. “As soon as she and Prince William return from their Royal Tour, as she gets off of the airliner at Heathrow, she needs to stand at the top of the steps and rip open her top, exposing her breasts to all and sundry. Even better, she could wait until they got back to Buckingham Palace, then stand on the balcony and whip them out there, exposing her assets to the nation!” enthuses the academic. “Believe me, once every British male has seen them for real, they’ll quickly lose interest and go back to wondering what their neighbour’s teenage daughter’s knockers look like, instead.”
Whilst broadly in agreement with Labiette’s analysis, fellow feminist writer Germaine Slingback is worried that the Professor’s suggested solution could cause further problems. “Tremendous expectation has been built up over Kate’s breasts – that’s the trouble with men being exposed to so many breasts these days, they become jaded and start seeking something ‘special’ – once people see that they are just an ordinary pair of knockers, not specially big, shapely or firm, then there could be a backlash,” she warns. “It could lead to anti-Royalist rioting if the British people feel that they’ve been let down by the Duchess’ tits – after all, thanks to the Royals being supported by the taxpayer, many people feel a sense of ownership toward them!” Even worse, she fears, the backlash could result in calls for the Duchess to be forced to have breast enhancement surgery. “As an object of male taxpayers sexual fantasies, there’s a real risk that if they are disappointed by her real knockers, the mob could demand she have them remodelled to conform to their fantasies,” she says. “It’s a terrifying prospect – as if there wasn’t enough pressure on women in terms of ‘body image’ already, if the Duchess was forced to have her knockers enhanced the pressures on ordinary women would become unbearable!” Buckingham Palace, meanwhile, has confirmed that the Duchess has no immediate plans to publicly expose her breasts, describing them as ‘a private matter’.