Activist proposes that arses allegedly grabbed by Tory MP Chris Pincher be immortalised as giant sculptures, as they led to fall of Boris Johnson and ‘saved Britain’. Should one huge pair of cheeks replace Winston Churchill in Parliament Square? Is fourth plinth in Trafalgar Square appropriate permanent home for the other?
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Doc Sleaze ignores the Platinum Jubilee in revenge for the Queen having ignored him many years ago, while pondering how detrimental to democracy the continued existence of an institution as archaic as the monarchy might be. Is it time to storm the palaces?
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Is sexual deviancy the new qualification required for serving in cabinet? As disgraced former Tory Deputy Chief Whip Chris Pincher seeks help with his groping addiction from ‘Arse Grabbers Anonymous’, Boris Johnson launches ‘Operation Save Big Swinging Dick’ in attempt to save his Premiership from series of sordid sex scandals.
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Paranormal Investigator, Exorcist and Agony Aunt The Reverend Leonard Fanny advises readers on their supernatural problems. This time, a mother worries her teenaged son is involved in a Satanic sex cult when she discovers a huge stone penis-shaped altar in his room, to which he and his friends masturbate. Can the Rev help?
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Did private remark by exasperated Queen result in multiple attempts on life of Prime Minister Boris Johnson? Journalist makes amazing claims of Royal disapproval of Britain’s leading buffoon in wake of mob attempting to bludgeon Johnson to death as he left Parliament.
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Has the Queen become a homicidal maniac? On eve of Jubilee, former Palace employee makes extraordinary claims of paranoid monarch engaging in knife fights and attacking members of family she suspects of plotting to kill her for the crown. Top Royal commentator believes real threat coming from pagan cultists looking to sacrifice Queen to renew UK.
Read MoreDon’t you know there’s a war on? Ask defenders of Boris Johnson as critics call for his resignation over drunken Downing Street lockdown orgies. Wartime rhetoric invoked as ministers don tin hats, call for black outs and rationing in response to fuel and food shortages caused by ‘the war’ (in Ukraine). Argue Johnson is vital wartime leader the country needs.
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Prime Minister explodes in Commons! Terrorism or spontaneous human combustion? Tory party thrown into chaos amid accusations of witchcraft being behind explosion. While opposition suggests either Boris Johnson exploded from shame or faked own death to escape political problems, others point finger at Labour leader Keir Starmer’s alleged mental powers.
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Are Britain’s lower classes, immigrants and refugees sufficiently grateful for the charity they receive? Right-wing political candidates proposes they be forced to show appropriate levels of gratitude to their benefactors – or face summary justice from the ‘Gratitude Police’. Believes public displays of gratitude from lower orders will restore ‘natural order’ in UK.
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Don’t you know there’s a war on? Actually no, I didn’t. Sure Ukraine is at war with Russia, but the UK isn’t directly involved, even though Ukraine begins with ‘UK’. But according to the right wing press Boris Johnson is a war leader and therefore shouldn’t be kicked out of office for minor stuff like breaking the law and lying to parliament…
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Government defends decision to scale down giant monster attack defences, claiming threat of such attacks has now receded and Britons must learn to live with monsters. Critics allege government’s indiscriminate use of nuclear weapons as primary defence – following failure of expensive private sector initiatives – caused mutations driving continued waves of the creatures.
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As local business sacks regular workforce, local community asks whether ‘agency staff’ replacements are actually zombies. Claims of all-night Voodoo drums from delivery bays of Dagenham supermarket as customers allege they recognise some of shambolic new staff as deceased loved ones. Are the living dead destined to be UK’s new unpaid workforce?
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New company offers ‘White Man’s Delight’ holidays for UK bigots disenchanted with Brexit Britain. Plan to buy a small country and institute ‘woke free’ regime for visitors to enjoy ‘politically incorrect holidays’ abusing women and minorities, consequence free. Promise England in the seventies-style ‘paradise’ for those tired of ‘wokery’.
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Paranormal Investigator, Exorcist and Agony Aunt The Reverend Leonard Fanny advises readers on their supernatural problems. This time, a sex therapist is having trouble with an attack of the crabs – giant mutated pubic lice – that he has inadvertently let loose upon an English seaside resort, causing carnal chaos. Can the Rev help?
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Are Ukrainians looking to make fortune from war with Russia? Right wing anti-immigration Tory MP claims UK must resist calls to take Ukrainians displaced by war for fear of setting precedent – it could encourage others seeking to migrate here to start wars. Others claim war is actually Ukrainian scam to fleece West of money and arms – invasion completely faked.
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Anti-War protesters welcome outbreak of war in Ukraine for giving them new conflict to campaign against. Condemn all violence and refuse to take sides, urging Ukrainians to let Russians in and peacefully protest instead of fighting in order to save lives. A sincere humanitarian stand or just moral posturing? Asks top academic.
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