“At risk of speaking in bad taste, I have to say that it finally looks as if something good might come out of Israel’s war against the citizens of Gaza,” muses top showbiz writer Rick Wedge. “Namely, the collapse of the bloody Eurovision Song Contest!” Wedge’s comments, in his regular Daily Norks column, come in the wake of the European Broadcasting Union (EBU) refusing to ban Israel from this year’s contest, resulting in five nations so far announcing that they would boycott the contest. More are apparently likely to follow. Many commentators have noted that the EBU had no qualms over kicking Russia out of the contest when it invaded Ukraine, yet has steadfastly refused to exclude Israel. “Whatever their reasons for effectively condoning genocide, with luck, the furore over Israeli participation will sound the death knell for this horrendous annual event which, for far too, long, has been allowed to blight our lives in the name of ‘entertainment’ and ‘international brotherhood’,” opines Wedge, a long time critic of Eurovision. “In truth, it has always been a politically motivated ode to utter mediocrity with little artistic merit!” In recent times, the journalist notes, Eurovision has just become, quite literally, one big gay joke. “Not to sound homophobic but I, along I’m sure with many others, find that the turning up of the campness levels to eleven does nothing to make the farrago any more entertaining.,” he says. “Rather, all it seems to do is to reinforce existing stereotypes about the gay and trans communities.”
If nothing else, if the Eurovision Song Contest does breath its last as a result of this issue, the UK can at least be spared our annual ritual humiliation when it comes to the voting. “I mean, I honestly don’t see why we should keep paying (the UK is one of the main sponsors of the contest) to be pissed on,” declares Labour back bencher and former Shadow Culture Minister Rob String. “It’s high time that we told the bastards to just fuck right off. And this Israel business provided the perfect pretext for doing so – we could have walked out on a matter of moral principle. So naturally, we haven’t taken the opportunity, instead just meekly going along with the EBU in effectively denying what has been, to all intents and purposes, a genocide in Gaza, perpetrated by Israel.” Growing opposition to the European Song Contest cuts across ideological lines, with rabid right-wing tabloid the Daily Excess demanding to know why Israel is in the European Song Contest in the first place? “Last time I checked, they definitely weren’t in Europe, either geographically or by virtue of being a member of the EU,” bellowed a recent editorial. “Of course, the standard answer is that the contest is organised by the EBU, of which Israel is a member. But again, the question is why? If they aren’t a European country then surely they shouldn’t be in the EBU?”
Rob String, writing in Practical Marxism has suggested a radical solution. “If the EBU and the majority of its membership apparently don’t have the balls to kick Israel out, then they should at least have the decency to try and be balanced by inviting Gaza to participate,” he pontificates. “Sure, Gaza isn’t in Europe nor even a member of the EBU. (although if, as Israel claims, it is still part of their territories, then surely it is), but the EBU long ago set a precedent of allowing outside nations to participate, be they Israel or Australia.” The great thing about such an initiative, the MP claims, is that it would give the EBU the moral high ground, while simultaneously guaranteeing an Israeli boycott, thereby resolving the whole issue. Keen to demonstrate that their questioning of Israel’s legitimacy as a member of the EBU was merely a matter of principle, not a criticism of Israel and tacit support for the Palestinian cause, the Daily Excess has waded into the debate, with its headlines spluttering that String’s proposal would constitute an appeasement of radical Islam.
Not to be outdone, fellow right wing crackpot nut rag the Daily Hate has started running stories speculating who might represent Gaza if they were to be invited to join the Eurovision Song Contest. “The top contenders are radical pop-terror group ‘Hamas and the Houthis’- their music, celebrating the murder of Israeli children in the 7th October attacks, is as tasteless as their name,” declared the tabloid’s arts correspondent. “But their availability has been thrown into question, following the deaths of their drummer and bassist in an Israeli missile attack.” Alternatively, the paper has claimed, the Palestinian authorities could be planning to win the public vote by whipping up public sympathy by fielding a singer who had suffered multiple amputations as a result of Israeli bombings. “If that doesn’t mobilise the bleeding heart Euro-pinko phone vote, then nothing will,” the newspaper notes, whilst cautioning Eurovision fans to think carefully before casting a hypothetical vote in favour of a hypothetical entry from Gaza. “Just remember, this is radical Islam we’re talking about here and they are no friends to you shirt-lifters, brown hatters and trannies – they hold you in contempt.”
In response to the Daily Hate’s sensational claims, the Daily Excess has attempted to up the outrage threshold with a story that not only will the hypothetical Gazan Eurovision entry be a Hamas terrorist, but that they will be accompanied by a chorus made up of the badly burned and mangled bodies of dead Palestinian children strung up as puppets and made to dance behind the singer. “And they are the ones claiming that my proposal to let Gaza enter the contest is in poor taste?” comments an incredulous Rob String. “About the only thing sin worse taste than the extreme right’s mouthpieces manufactured outrage over something that hasn’t even happened, are the Israeli attacks on Gaza and the EBU’s craven refusal to take a moral stance. And if those aren’t in worse taste, then I don’t know what would be!”
