Britain appears to be in the grip of a bizarre seasonal frenzy as, the length and breadth of the country, increasing numbers of people are destroying their Christmas trees with axes and burning the remains in their back gardens. There have also been reports of Christmas tree sellers being attacked and their trees burned to ash, whilst in Solihull, impromptu road blocks were set up and flat bed trucks and vans carrying Christmas were trees stopped, their loads destroyed at the roadside. In perhaps the most bizarre incident, a hundred strong mob armed with axes and chainsaws descended on a Berkshire fir tree plantation, cutting down every tree in matter of minutes. “We should all be afraid – if we don’t stop the bastards now, we’ll find ourselves doomed to an eternal Christmas!” says Jessica Larder, one of the leaders of the anti-Christmas tree movement. “Very soon they’ll be in virtually every living room in the country! What better way could there be to infiltrate every strata of society, than by pretending to be a symbol of festive joy and hope?” According to Larder and her associates, this year’s crop of trees are actually some kind of alien life form hell bent on global conquest. “Trust me, once you’ve got the bastards settled in your house, festooned with ornaments and lights, they’ll strike,” she claims. “They’ll wait until you are asleep, or just quietly relaxing on the sofa, and then they’ll start replicating you, your family, pets, the whole lot! Before you know it, you’ll be a pile of goo and your home will be occupied by a bunch of grinning Christmas-obsessed clones maxing out your credit cards!” Larder claims that there have been hundreds of documented cases of replication since the beginning of December. “The victims are easy to spot,” she opines. “Their houses are quickly covered with garish exterior lights. Inflatable Santas and snowmen appear in the front gardens and replica reindeer can be found on their roofs!” Consequently, Larder and her associates are lobbying the government to have all such decorations banned. “That way we’ll know for sure that any house with exterior lights is occupied by them,” Larder muses. “The army can just blow them up!” The group has also warned the public to be on their guard against friends or colleagues who seem overly keen to put up decorations at work. “Under no circumstances should they be allowed to bring one of these evil trees into the office, otherwise our whole business infrastructure could fall into their hands,” Larder warns, adding that the replicants can also be identified by their propensity for wearing Santa hats with flashing lights on, fake foam rubber antlers and carrying mistletoe.
One survivor of such a Christmas tree attack was thirty two year old Worthing father of three Roger Pantry. “We were in the living room watching television when it happened,” he sobs. “We’d just finished putting up the tree, and had settled down in front of the box, when we were suddenly all gripped by these awful headaches. It felt like my brains were being sucked out of my head, next thing I knew, my limbs were like lead – I could barely move!” As Pantry and his family struggled desperately to remain conscious, he realised that something was amiss with the Christmas tree. “I managed to turn my head to look at it.” What Pantry saw horrified him – not only were the tree’s lights ablaze, despite not being plugged in, but something seemed to be growing from its branches. “They were hanging there, like grotesque outsized decorations: perfect replicas of myself, my wife and my children,” a still shocked Pantry explains. “They still weren’t full sized, but they were already showing signs of life – as I looked at it, the replica of me opened its eyes and stared back!” With a Herculean effort, the terrified Pantry was able to stagger from his chair and, with the aid of a piece of tinsel, fuse the tree’s lights. “The bulbs exploded, igniting the tree’s branches,” he explains. “As it blazed, we felt ourselves released from its evil clutches!” However, the tree was to unleash one last horror. “As the flames engulfed the replicas of us, they opened their mouths in unison and emitted a horrible scream,” shudders Pantry. Like other victims, Pantry found it impossible to convince anyone in authority of the peril posed by the unearthly Christmas trees. “The bastards breathalysed me and had me examined by a psychiatrist,” he says angrily. “They also reported me to Social Services and I’ve had bloody welfare officers around assessing whether my children are at risk, not from Christmas trees, but from me!”
Mike Scullery, a founder member of the anti-Christmas tree movement, is convinced that there is a high level conspiracy to hush up the extent of the sinister seasonal invasion. “it could be that they’re just trying to avoid widespread public panic,” he muses. “But, there’s a very real possibility that they’ve already succumbed to the trees – government offices and police stations all seem to have had Christmas trees in their foyers since at least November this year!” Scullery himself was one of the first to stumble upon the Christmas tree threat when, last Summer, when he became lost and inadvertently drove through the isolated Northumbrian town of Rothbury. “As soon as I entered it, I knew there was something badly amiss – all the Christmas decorations were still up in the street and every house was covered in lights,” he says. Stopping to ask directions, Scullery found the town inhabited by grinning zombies, wandering the streets dressed in Santa suits, busy extending their credit to purchase expensive Christmas gifts for each other. “At the pub, the only thing on the menu was Turkey and Christmas pudding,” he recalls. “Every building seemed to be full to overflowing with brightly wrapped parcels – all arranged around one of those bloody trees!” Scullery is convinced that Rothbury was used by the invaders as a ‘pilot project’, and has subsequently acted as a ‘beach head’ for a full-fledged invasion. “Frankly, the place freaked me out and I got away as quickly as possible,” he says. “But before I left I noticed them loading hundreds of trees onto the backs of lorries, which were being despatched to destinations across the UK!” But what is the origin of these strange invaders? Whilst many in the movement believe the trees to be the product of an alien intelligence, Scullery suspects that the answer lies closer to home. “I think they’ve been genetically modified by a cartel of international capitalists to create a race of subservient perfect consumers,” he opines. “Although Christmas is traditionally the busiest time of year for sales, the past few have been disappointing. What better way could there be to boost profits than to create an artificial all-year round Christmas, with mindless free-spending replicants to boost sales to insane levels?” According to Scullery we have only one hope of avoiding this catastrophe. “Arm yourselves my brothers and sisters! It isn’t too late – we can still save ourselves,” he urges. “Just grab that axe or chainsaw and join us as we storm every garden centre, filling station or formerly vacant lot seen selling Christmas trees! Together we can save humanity from the evils of Christmas!”