Saddam Hussein has filed an harassment action against George W Bush in Baghdad’s newly constituted Central Court, claiming that the US president has been stalking him. “For years he has made my life hell – following me, photographing me, recording my most intimate conversations. I am a wreck as a result,” bemoans sixty-seven year old Hussein, a former President of Iraq, who was eventually forced into hiding in order to try and avoid Bush’s unwanted advances. “It was all to no avail, despite the beard and living in a hole in the ground he still found me!” Saddam claims that the campaign of harassment started after he turned down Bush’s attempts to woo him in early 2001. “He sent me flowers – literally tons of them, huge floral displays in the shape of huge hearts, bunches of red roses by the thousand! At first I thought he was merely trying to make up with me, build bridges after that unfortunate land dispute I’d had with his father, but then the chocolates started arriving, then the lingerie! It was too much,” he explains. “I tried to let him down gently. I told him I was flattered – who wouldn’t be – perhaps even a little curious, but really, I’m not that sort of guy! I am a married man, with many mistresses, I told him!”

Bush’s response to rejection was swift, with the might of America’s intelligence services being mobilised in order to mount a massive, and intimate, surveillance of Saddam. “Suddenly I felt I was being watched wherever I went – even when I was taking a dump I felt unseen eyes crawling all over me! It was terrible,” claims Saddam. “My own security people quickly uncovered bugging devices and concealed cameras in every room of my palaces!” Removing these devices gave little respite, as it quickly became clear that Saddam was being observed from other quarters. “He had his spy satellites repositioned so that they could use their zoom lenses to watch me wherever I went in Iraq! According to an American operative we captured, their infrared and radar cameras could see even through the thickest walls – I could not make love to my women in peace or even torture prisoners in privacy in the deepest dungeons any more,” says an outraged Saddam. “This filthy CIA dog admitted – under horrible torture of course – that President Bush would spend hours closely examining these pictures of me with a magnifying glass, even masturbating over the ones of me in the bath!” Unable to maim and kill his subjects at will, or even commit the odd act of genocide against Kurds or Marsh Arabs without being watched by Bush, Saddam’s zest for life began to decline. “It was outrageous – doesn’t a dictator have the right to commit atrocities in the privacy of his own country? I tell you, I became very depressed,” laments the former despot. “I could barely lift my pen to sign a few death warrants each morning.”

Bush’s campaign of harassment against Saddam finally reached its inevitable conclusion when the besotted US president invaded the Iraqi’s home in a desperate attempt to meet him face to face. “It was a nightmare – in the weeks leading up to his final assault he kept sending his planes over Baghdad, dropping love notes exulting me to expose my ‘big missiles’ to him, and such filth,” says Saddam, who was forced to flee to the north of Iraq for his own safety. “I was fearful what he would do to me if we ever met. I have heard stories of what happened to all those statues of me his troops tore down – far from being destroyed, he has them in the backyard of his ranch in Texas, where he caresses and fondles them tenderly whilst listening to recordings of me making love!” Saddam also heard that Bush had allegedly become sexually aroused after sitting on a gold-platted Baghdad toilet seat where the Iraqi president’s backside had previously rested. “He is a man obsessed,” observes Saddam. “I can understand how he might be attracted to a man like me – the power, the uniforms, the well-toned muscular body, the moustache – but really, this is all just too much!”

Saddam is, of course, not the first recipient of Bush’s unwelcome attentions. Wealthy Saudi playboy Osama bin Laden was forced into hiding after Bush sent hundreds of B-52 bombers to Afghanistan to drop life-size anatomically correct plastic dolls of himself on bin Laden’s mountain retreat. “When this tactic failed to seduce me, he sent thousands of his soldiers to break down the doors of my friends and acquaintances in Afghanistan, in a vain attempt to find me and drag me back to his sex-palace in Washington, ” claims bin Laden, from his secret hiding place. “I was forced to grow this ridiculous beard as a disguise and have been on the run ever since. He just won’t take ‘No’ for an answer!”

By contrast, another of Dubya’s former paramours initially welcomed the president’s attentions. A British Prime Minister – who wishes to be identified only as ‘Tony’ -has told The Sleaze of how Bush wooed him with promises of power and glory, before discarding him. “He told me I was his only true love, that only I could satisfy him! It was wonderful, he promised me political esteem and influence beyond my wildest dreams! But it turned out that he really only wanted to use me to help him pursue this awful Saddam tart. The bastard,” he sobbed, as his burly Deputy, ‘John’ put his arm around his quivering shoulders to comfort him. “As soon as he’d got what he wanted, he didn’t want to see me – blanking me on steel import duties and refusing to return my calls on the Kyoto agreement. I should have listened to my friends like ‘Robin’, who warned me against him from the start, but now it’s too late and they won’t speak to me anymore!”

Meanwhile, Saddam is fearing for his safety now that Bush has him in captivity. “Now he has me at his mercy, I cannot sleep at night for fear of what he will do! I swear that day and night he comes to my cell and watches me through the peephole,” says a tired and drawn looking Saddam. “He keeps sending me these filthy pictures of his genitals! It is horrible – the sight of his wrinkled scrotum and gnarled old penis are making me ill! Surely such treatment must be in contravention of the Geneva Convention?” Saddam is currently seeking a restraining order against Bush or, failing that, a UN Security Council Resolution calling on the US president to cease all perverted activities and withdraw his privates from Iraq.