Emboldened by recent pronouncements on rape by politicians on both sides of the Atlantic, right-wing Tory backbencher Oliver Frottage has proposed radical changes to the UK’s laws on sexual offences. “It’s absolutely ridiculous that the current legislation makes no distinction between different types of rape – it treats them all as equally offensive,” he declared in a recent video blog post on his constituency website. “I mean, the law recognises that all murders aren’t alike – they concede that if there wasn’t malice aforethought then it is the lesser offence of manslaughter. It should be the same for rape – if it’s just a spur of the moment thing, the result of a cap getting carried away by a provocatively dressed saucy minx, for instance, then it shouldn’t really be rape, should it? After all, it isn’t as if such a chap went out looking to rape someone, now is it?” Frottage admits to having been inspired by Respect Party MP George Galloway, who recently opined that having sexual intercourse with a sleeping woman did not constitute rape. “He might be a Muslim-loving Commie apologist for Saddam Hussein, but he’s spot-on with his rape observations,” Frottage enthused on his video blog. “It’s just common sense really, isn’t it? If the woman isn’t even conscious, where’s the coercion? She’s even lying down already! In fact, as long as the chap doesn’t wake her, she’ll be none the wiser and won’t have been inconvenienced in the slightest!”

To the dismay of his party’s leadership and despite threats of having the whip withdrawn, Frottage remains unrepentant over his online outburst and is now drafting a private members bill designed to reclassify several of the most serious sexual offences recognised in UK law. “The law as it stands is just too complex and confusing – how is a chap supposed to know when he’s just having some fun and when he’s committing a sexual offence?” he asked in a recent interview with notorious lad’s mag Bollocks. “We need to have clearer guidelines as to exactly when sex with a woman becomes rape. I mean, all this nonsense about consent is ridiculous – it takes no account of those circumstances where a chap has no opportunity to determine whether the woman is consenting or not. For instance – what if she’s chained naked to a bed with a bag over her head? Obviously, common sense tells us that sex with a woman with a bag over her head couldn’t possibly be rape!” For Frottage, the definition of rape shouldn’t be dependent upon such concepts as ‘consent’, but rather the intent of the parties involved. “Look, we have to accept that in most of these so-called rapes, the parties are known to each other and it is just a heat of the moment thing,” he explained to the magazine’s readers. “The law has to acknowledge that a man doesn’t have any control over his penis – when the sap rises he’s a slave to his primal instincts! Women have to acknowledge responsibility for arousing the beast within, even if it is done unwittingly.”

The public school educated MP prefers to focus on that small number of sexual assaults which are pre-meditated. “It’s those low life bastards who set out to molest women that make me sick and need to be punished,” he declared in the interview. “They stalk their victims as if they were animals, subjecting them to terrifying ordeals. The swarthy unshaven bastards are undoubtedly foreign – illegal immigrants, probably. Or black. Or working class, at the very least. We don’t want their sort here – British women would much rather be sexually harassed by a proper English gentleman!” But it isn’t just rape that Frottage is proposing to reclassify – he also passionately believes that many other so-called ‘sexual offences’ are treated far too harshly by the current legislation. “These days we make far too much fuss about anything connected with sex, labelling what are little more than harmless pranks as inappropriate and offensive,” he opined. “Take this whole business of ‘indecent exposure’ – when has the sight of a man’s proudly erect penis ever actually caused anybody any harm, let alone mental trauma? What about groping? Quite frankly, any woman having their breasts or buttocks squeezed should just take it as a compliment! It certainly won’t do them any harm! We’ve all become too bloody namby pamby! I blame all this liberal, touchy feely political correctness nonsense!”

Despite his London home having been besieged by militant feminists, Frottage has, incredibly, attracted cross-party support for his private members bill. “There’s no doubt that the current definition of rape is far too broad and is being abused by women to entrap unwary men,” Labour left-winger Niall Bumpsty MP has told his local newspaper. “Just look at what’s happening to Julian Assange – it is quite obvious that these women accusing him of sexual offences have taken advantage of Sweden’s loose definition of rape to try and discredit him. They’re obviously CIA agents. We have to ensure that the same sort of thing can’t happen here, otherwise every campaigning radical politician with a libido will find themselves silenced by ludicrous accusations of rape!” Top feminist writer Maggie Craggis is aghast that such attitudes still exist. “It’s quite unbelievable – despite all the advances in women’s rights over the past century, we find ourselves in the grip of a new wave of misogyny,” she told the Sunday Bystander. “These unreconstructed bastards have latched onto things like the Assange case as an excuse to try and justify their utter contempt for women! They want to take us back to the sexual dark ages!”

Frottage remains unrepentant, arguing that far from empowering women, the current laws on sexual discrimination and sex offences have merely served to emasculate men. “Women are forever bemoaning the lack of ‘real’ men,” he told Bollocks. “Is it any wonder they can’t find any when the current laws have left men too timid to even approach a woman, for fear of being accused of rape! How on earth are young men supposed to gain any sexual confidence if they aren’t even allowed a quick feel? Is it any wonder so many young chaps are going gay? At least you can show another fellow your John Thomas, or fondle his backside without fear of prosecution! And with them all bowling from the pavilion end, the ladies have naturally embraced Sapphos, so to speak! ” Although the party leadership has condemned Frottage’s pronouncements, Conservative Central Office has so far failed to persuade the backbencher’s local constituency party to deselect him as the official candidate before the next general election. “It seems to me that he’s trying to do women a favour by removing all these impediments to them being satisfied by a man,” the local party chairman, Sir Rodney Walling-Buttford told his local BBC news programme. “In my experience most women would welcome the sexual attentions of man, be flattered in fact. Even if that man was a slavering sex beast.”