“At last those poor oppressed celebrities are fighting back against the evil mastermind Ed Miliband and his ‘Mansion Tax’,” declares Harold Crackman, millionaire proprietor of the Daily Excess in a recent editorial. “First it was Griff Rhys Jones who was daring enough to risk ridicule and speak out against this iniquitous tax on success and now its Mylene Klass.” Unlike Jones, one time stooge to the late Mel Smith, who simply whined from the safety of a right-wing newspaper, former talent show winner and one time member of barely remembered group Hear’say, Klass has bravely taken the fight to the enemy, confronting the evil Miliband live on TV, leaving him speechless with the brilliance of her arguments. “It should make us all proud to the be British, seeing our brave veteran celebrities taking on the might of the Official Opposition in the name of inequality and injustice – the things that have made this country great,” thundered Crackman in his editorial. “For they are quite correct – without growing inequality where would those at the bottom find the motivation to better themselves? Without gross injustice, where would the disadvantaged find the inspiration to fight for their rights? For too long too many of our celebrities have pandered to the masses in the name of popularity, supporting leftie worthy causes like fighting poverty, social justice and eliminating inequality, but at long last at least some of them have found the courage to abandon the Labour Party and come out in support for the progressive anti-equality policies of out glorious Tory government.”
Indeed, from Take That, Bono, Jimmy Carr and the Arctic Monkeys trying to avoid paying their taxes to Griff Rhys Jones threatening to deprive the UK of his unique ‘comedy’ talents and go into foreign exile in the face of the ‘Mansion Tax’, Britain’s celebrities seem at last to be showing their true colours. “The fact is that they’ve finally realised that it is time to tell the public: ‘Fuck you! We toiled in obscurity for years before finally getting that lucky break which unlocked the door to our current riches – we’ve earned our mansions and extravagant lifestyles’,” top showbiz agent Roland Tart told the Daily Excess last week. “They’re saying ‘We spent years ensuring we weren’t ‘equal’ to you – just be satisfied that we condescend to appear on chat shows and allow you to watch us on TV, in films and to buy our music, not to mention our overpriced merchandise. We’ve got your money – we don’t need your respect.’ “ According to Tart, Labour’s proposed ‘Mansion Tax’ represents the last straw for many celebrities, who feel that they are being subjected to a campaign of discrimination and harassment. “Just look at the way any famous person who finds some way to save their hard earned money through tax reduction schemes is pilloried in the press,” he claimed. “I’m sure that there are lots of non-famous people doing the same thing, but we don’t see their names spread across the front pages or see them being metaphorically spat at on Twitter, do you? It’s clearly one law for the non-achievers and another for the rich and successful!”
Tart claims to be disgusted by the way celebrities are being treated in the UK. “They can’t even make highly public altruistic acts without being criticised,” he fumed in the newspaper article. “Just look at all that sniping the cream of our music industry have had to suffer over that latest Band Aid version – the one in support of Ebola. They’ve been accused of being patronising toward Africa, not to mention insincere because they’re expecting other people to give money when all they’ve done is sing a couple of lines of a song! For God’s sake, they’ve given their time haven’t they? Don’t these ignorant plebs criticising them realise just how valuable a celebrity’s time is? Giving it is a gift far more precious than cash!” Warming to his theme, the agent went on to liken the treatment of celebrities to that of minority groups “I mean, if it was black people, the disabled or lesbians being treated this way there would be uproar,” he wrote. “We’d have all the bloody bleeding heart liberals calling for some kind of legislation to protect them!”
Not surprisingly, tired of being treated like second class citizens, Britain’s celebrities are finally preparing to fight back. Worried at the oppressive measures being proposed by the evil genius Miliband, several hundred of them are already planning a march through Belgravia, in order to protest at his proposed ‘tax on aspiration’. “It’s going to be like those anti-war marches before the invasion of Iraq, but far better looking,” declares Tart. “It’s bound to cause considerable disruption to traffic in the area – I’d imagine that they’ll have to be stopping every five minutes to sign autographs for star struck passers by. It will be a miracle if it doesn’t excalate into a riot and we end up seeing Melvyn Bragg overturning cars and hurling fire bombs at the police.” The agent has also warned of a celebrity backlash directed toward the Labour Party. “They’ve enjoyed overwhelming celebrity support at the last few elections,” he explained. “But it was given on the understanding that the Labour Party would play fair with celebrities, preserving their privileges and exempting them from any of that worthy wealth re-distribution policy shit they’d pretended to support to help Labour get the groupie vote. This ‘Mansion Tax’ is a clear betrayal of that ‘celebrity covenant’!”
sTart believes that Strike action can’t be far behind the demonstration. “Can you imagine the chaos actors and musicians withdrawing their labour would cause?” he asks. “No Downton Abbey! No Top Gear! No new singles from One Direction! Clearly something must be done – I urge you to all get out there and show your support for our embattled celebrities by buying their Christmas books, CDs and DVDs so that they can earn enough to offset any ‘Mansion Tax’!” However, other commentators believe that the likes of Crackman and Tart are overestimating the degree of support amongst the British public for wealthy celebrities on this issue. “During a time of austerity, when increasing numbers of people are facing eviction from their homes due to the ‘Bedroom Tax’, working for peanuts on zero hours contracts and are being forced to rely on food banks, the sight of rich celebrities in their big houses whining about a tax which doesn’t even exist yet is hardly going to elicit sympathy,” opines Labour backbencher Jack Scrotus. “You know, there was a time when celebrities were on the verge of gaining the public’s sympathy. During that whole phone hacking business, for instance, they seemed almost human. But this whole ‘Mansion Tax’ protest has shown that they don’t want to be like us – they’ve spent years accumulating all that wealth so as to get away from us, so they aren’t going to give up their palaces and baubles without a fight.”
