“I thought the official Princess Diana statue was bad enough, but at least that was just shit – this one is positively obscene!” declares Waldemar Cockski, Art Critic of the Harlesden Examiner and Poultry Mart, in reaction to the appearance in the district of an unofficial statue depicting the late Princess of Wales doing it doggie-style with an unidentified soldier. “It really is an outrage to public decency. Although, to be fair, it does look a lot more like the Princess than the official one. Well, what I imagine she looked like in the throes of sexual ecstasy, that is.” The sculpture turned up, unbidden, in a Harlesden park a few days after the much-criticised official sculpture – commemorating what would have been the late Lady Di’s sixtieth birthday – was unveiled by her sons. “I just thank God that they didn’t see this abomination,” says Cockski. “I mean, nobody needs to see their mother depicted naked, on al fours, howling as she is taken from behind by some bloke in the full ceremonial uniform of the Blues and Royals, do they?” The rogue sculpture was swiftly smashed to pieces by a group of council workmen shortly after its discovery, but not before it had shocked a party of school children and several passing pensioners. Speculation has been rife since then as to who was responsible for the offensive erection, with Cockski opining that it might well have been the work of radical left anti-monarchists. “You know what those lefty bastards are like,” he says. “There are no lengths they won’t go to in order to debase Royalty – trying to smear the saintly Diana’s memory by depicting her as a sex mad adulterer is just about their level!”

Other art experts, however, don’t agree with Cockski’s claims that the statue represented some kind of anti-monarchist artistic terrorism, suspecting that it was, in fact, part of a wider political campaign, pointing out that the Diana sculpture is only the latest of series of uncommissioned statues which have been appearing, unannounced, in public places. “Only last week, a statue depicting Home Secretary Priti Patel on her knees scooping up and eating dog shit appeared in a busy shopping centre in Clerkenwell,” observes Peregrine Poncey, curator of the East Camden Hot Grill and Gallery. “The week before there was that installation of Michael Gove fellating Dominic Cummings which turned up outside that library in Lambeth – they are clearly all part of a pattern of art works designed to undermine the establishment by stripping away its dignity.” Poncey and other critics believe that the sculptures are all the work of the mysterious self-styled ‘Guerilla Artist’ known as ‘Backside 44’. “If only those philistines from Harlesden council hadn’t taken their sledge hammers to the Princess Diana sculpture, we would have been able to establish for sure whether it was a genuine ‘Backside’”, muses Poncey. “All of his, or her, works are signed with their signature – a stylised arse. Nonetheless, its style, judging by the pictures people managed to take on their phones before its destruction, make it all but certain that it is part of the ‘Backside’ oeuvre.”

In a surprising development, an individual claiming to be ‘Backside 44’ has contacted The Sleaze to confirm the provenance of the Princess Diana statue. Using an untraceable ‘burner phone’ and with the aid of a voice changer, they explained that the monument was intended less as a political statement than as a celebration of the Princess’ true self. “We are constantly bombarded with impressions of public figures that are nothing more than media constructs, designed to either discredit them or sanctify them,” they claimed. “Right now, we have the press pushing the narrative of ‘bad’ Meghan Markle corrupting Prince Harry and undermining the Royal family, for instance. Simultaneously, they are busy presenting morally degenerate and corrupt fornicator Boris Johnson as an English patriot and saviour of the country.” According to the self-styled artist’s thesis, Princess Diana has, since her death, been built up as a saint in order to protect her legacy – in the form of her sons – and discredit her ex-husband Prince Charles, who is seen as having too many dangerous and radical ideas. “So, I decided to redress the balance by reminding people that she was shagging anything in trousers,” they told us. “Damn it, she died on the back seat of a Mercedes with her latest paramour. Not that any of that makes her a bad person, of course. But it does make her less than the saintly figure the propaganda press would have us believe.”

With rumours rife that the next ‘Backside’ sculpture will depict Prime Minister Boris Johnson with his trousers around his ankles, jerking himself off with one hand, while using the other to shove bank notes up his fat arse, calls have increased for all of the existing sculptures to be torn down. “They are an outrage to public decency – clearly designed solely to offend,” bellows Tory MP Mark Porker. “These sculptures are without any artistic merit and instead simply perpetuate left wing propaganda and stereotypes. They must be destroyed wherever and whenever they appear!” In anticipation of the rumoured new ‘Backside’, gangs of right wing extremists have been reported in the streets of London, apparently on the lookout for newly installed sculptures. “The trouble is that they are so thick that they’ve taken to attacking and defacing anything they think is a modern sculpture,” says Peregrine Poncey. “Just yesterday they smashed up two bollards and a set of temporary road works signs in Hampstead.”

For ‘Backside’, this is all part of their master plan. “It’s part of the artistic performance, getting these people to react like this,” he told The Sleaze. “These are the self same people who, just recently, were railing against statues of imperialists and slave traders being torn down.” According to the artist, their intent was to replace these ‘lost’ statues. “These people were obviously lovers of sculpture, so I naturally thought that they’d be pleased to see some new ones,” they chuckled. “Yet here they are, tearing down statues whose political message they apparently disagree with!” Whilst refusing to confirm that Boris Johnson will be the subject of their next sculpture, ‘Backside’ has hinted that they have plans for Trafalgar Square’s fourth plinth, which lacks any permanent sculpture, instead hosting a regularly changing roster of art works. “It is high time that the plinth hosted a non state-sanctioned piece of work,” the artist warned. “Perhaps we’ll soon see the usual parade of pretentious crap usurped by something more relevant – celebrating the seventy fifth anniversary of our glorious Queen’s reign!” In response, Mark Porker has called for a twenty four hour military guard to be put on the plinth. “We must stop such an outrage by any means,” the red faced MP shouted, to nobody in particular. “Failing to do so could spell the end of British society as we know it!”