Struggling right-wing news channel’s new reality TV show puts ordinary family into midst of wartime Britain complete with rationing and deprivation. Family involved complains they were traumatised as TV company went to extreme lengths for realism, including bombing their street, and strafing their grandmother with live ammunition.
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British online monkey torturers outraged at outsourcing of their activities to cheaper sadists in Far East by organisers of online monkey torture rings. Rejecting allegations that use of baby monkeys implies cowardice on their part, top UK torturer claims Far Eastern torturers simply not zealous enough, failing to deliver value for money to customers.
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The Irish/UK conflict over illegal immigrants crossing the border from Northern Ireland to the Republic has escalated into an actual shit-throwing contest. Drive by shit flingings in North blamed on Irish militants protesting at strain the extra crap is putting on Dublin’s sewage system, while Northern Irish paramilitaries retaliate by firing canned shit across border.
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Why is the government urging people to stockpile three days worth of supplies in their houses? Allegations abound that government scaremongering to terrify people into voting Tory at general election. Insider reveals Tory schemes to scare voters with stories of fish men marauding up British beaches, alien invasions and plagues of woke rapists.
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Is the amount of human waste floating in Britain’s rivers proof of the existence of giants? Cryptozoologist controversially claims giant humans are using our rivers as sewers, depositing their outsize jobbies in them. Plans to track these elusive creatures by following their gigantic spoor.
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What would you do if you were invisible? Spy on naked women? Cop a feel? Do trashy exploitation films help put us in touch with our most reprehensible fantasies, such as these? By doing so, do they help us confront our darkest urges and feelings, helping us deal with them harmlessly? Can watching trash save the world?
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What is the truth behind Tory MP’s desperate late night call to local party treasurer pleading for money? Was he being held against his will in a sex dungeon over an unpaid bill for whippings? Or was he held for ransom by irate rent-boys furious at his encroachment onto their territory? Or was it all an elaborate scheme to embezzle party funds?
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As Reform Party drops candidate who turned out to be dead, journalist claims that fringe party is deliberately deploying corpses as candidates as elderly base of support starts to die off. Further alarming allegations that fringe parties could be planning to reanimate dead supporters to boost support, amid reports of polling station overrun by zombies!
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Is a dating app for S&M enthusiasts being used to lure Tory MPs into ‘honey trap’ for purposes of blackmail? Backbench Tories apparently being enticed into ‘torture dungeons’ with anonymous photos of genitalia, then photographed while being bound and beaten. Security Services baffled as to who is behind plot.
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Paranormal Investigator, Exorcist and Agony Aunt The Reverend Leonard Fanny advises readers on their supernatural problems. This time he addresses the perplexing case of ‘My Haunted Arse’. Can a person’s posterior be haunted and produce supernatural phenomena including apparitions, disembodied voices and strange sounds? The Rev investigates.
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Are a new subterranean underclass emerging from beneath the streets of London’s wealthiest districts? While right-wing commentator claims that strange figures seen in empty millionaire mansions are evidence of ‘immigrants in the walls’, top scientist claims albino beings descendants of domestic staff abandoned and trapped in mansion basements.
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Police raid on chain of budget undertakers reveal alleged running corpses-for-hire racket. Were dead bodies being rented out to fill out sparse crowds at football matches, concerts and Tory party meetings? Anti-immigration political candidate claims some bodies skinned to provide ‘suits’ for illegals to pass for white!
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Is the UK’s population really predominantly made up of foaming at the mouth extreme right-wing bigots, as the media would have us believe? Or is the self-styled ‘silent majority’ really just a ‘very loud minority’ trying to drown out the voices of the decent majority? Should we simply put them all against a wall and shoot them in order to restore sanity?
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Are the world’s cities under attack from titanic human trumps? Top scientists claim recent series of city levelling natural disasters actually caused by huge vegan farts. Are a group of vegan extremists holding world to ransom, threatening to global destruction unless whole globe gives up animal products?
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Americans urged to ‘forget the Alamo’ as calls to expel Texas from the Union grow. With ‘Lone Star State’ refusing to implement Federal laws on border controls, top politicians suggest State should either become independent or rejoin Mexico. Mexicans unenthusiastic at prospect of subsequent ‘Gringo invasion’ if latter occurs.
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Is Donald Trump senile? Ex-President’s mental fitness for office called into question after alleged bizarre behaviour, including urinating on supporters at rally. Fans claim Democrat conspiracy to deflect attention from President Biden’s senility. Critics claim wealthy Trump backers believe dementia struck Trump would make White House easier to control.
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