Big wobbly tits, massive cocks, fat arses, hot ejaculations, cum guzzling whores and virgin teen sluts. There, that should have ensured that anyone trying to read this at work has found their corporate firewall denying them access to this page. Conversely, of course, it should ensure this editorial being picked up in more searches than usual – still, it’ll do all those little porn-hungry perves out there good to find themselves reading some of my rantings. But getting back to the point – why shouldn’t all those little porn hounds be able to access pictures of hot naked ladies from the comfort of their desks? (Before we go any further, I’d just like to point out that, as a man, my entire experience of pornography has been masculine. My apologies to all our female, gay and lesbian readers for apparently ignoring your pornographic tastes – it is nothing personal, they just lie outside of my experience. So, from here on, simply substitute your own pornographic predilections for my phallocentric preferences). OK, I know all the arguments that it could be offensive to colleagues, and so on, but I’m afraid I just don’t buy that. Just why should we find images of naked human bodies, sometimes engaged in acts of sexual gratification, offensive? Although apparently some people do – I keep getting told about how employers are increasingly being taken to tribunals by employees who have been grossly offended by seeing a calendar on someone’s office wall showing a naked woman/bloke, or glimpsing a flash of buttocks on someone’s monitor. Apparently this sort of thing can deeply traumatise some people! The only cure is to claim lots of compensation.

Now, whilst I concede that the sight of some naked bodies (mine included) could cause offence, I really don’t believe that they can cause mental trauma which takes years of therapy to cure, or result in someone’s hair falling out, nor do I think that anyone could be made impotent by such an horrific sight. Besides, the kind of people they use as pornographic models generally have such implausibly perfect bodies, one can only gaze on them with a sense of wonder, rather than trauma. Nevertheless, large numbers of people are apparently claiming that the sight of bare flesh or, to be more accurate, the sight of images of bare flesh, have resulted in them being severely traumatised. Like war veterans who have been blown up or witnessed massacres, these unfortunates are plagued by nightmares where they are chased around by gigantic wobbling breasts, or smothered to death by huge buttocks clamping down on their faces. For years afterward a glimpse of thigh, or a prominent cleavage can give them horrific flashbacks to the original incident, turning them into gibbering wrecks and forcing them to hide in filing cabinets. Many find that they can never watch Channel Four or go to see a French film again because of the high risk of seeing gratuitous nudity. Trips to art galleries are definitely out…

Isn’t it about time we grew up in this country and just accepted sex and pornography as a fact of life? For a while, during the 1960s and 1970s, it seemed that we were developing a far more mature attitude toward such things, but the past couple of decades have seen something of a regression, with a curious dual standard emerging. Whilst, on the one hand, displays of naked flesh and sexual references in the workplace, or even in public places generally, are increasingly seen as offensive, advertising, for instance, has made increasingly explicit use of sex and nudity to sell everything from washing powder to laxatives. Whilst genuine porn magazines are banished to the top shelf and branded offensive and demeaning to women, so-called “lad’s mags” feature ever more tantalising photographs of semi-clad young beauties. Whilst sexy pin-ups and nude calendars now seem to be branded a ‘bad thing’, a whole industry has grown up around the notion of calendars featuring soap stars, sports personalities or, even worse, ordinary people ranging from firemen to middle-aged ladies, stark bollocking naked. But the latter type of calendars are OK because, of course, they are ‘for charity’! It is as if there is now some kind ‘safe’ officially-endorsed pornography which is OK to look at precisely because it is totally unerotic.

On the other hand, genuine pornography seems to have become ‘grittier’ as it has been forced to the margins, with emphasis now seeming to be on ‘real’ models such as readers’ supposed wives, and ‘real’ sex, with said models straddling unfeasibly huge male members or masturbating themselves with kitchen implements. Basically, it has become ugly. This, in turn, makes it ever less ‘acceptable’ for middle-class society. I remember back in the 1970s, British porn movies were joyous, if somewhat shabby, productions full of picture postcard humour, farcical sexual misunderstandings and lots of bare boobs and bums. The sexual act was seen as something worth celebrating. I recently had the misfortune (thanks to a mistake on the part of my cable provider), to have received an ‘adult’ TV channel for a week. It was, frankly, one of the most depressing experiences of my life – grainy, badly lit videos of various models grinding mechanically and joylessly through various sexual acts. Thankfully, a few days later I caught a repeat of Confessions From a Holiday Camp – brilliant stuff: Robin Askwith perpetually losing his pants and saying ‘Bloody ‘Ell, Missus!’ as some unclothed beauty came on to him. Now that’s pornography! A celebration of sex – everyone seemed to be enjoying it!

All of which finally brings me back to the original point of this editorial; namely that I want to bring pornography back into the workplace. In fact, I want to flood Britain’s offices with naked beauties via the internet. Now, I know that you’re all going to refer me back to the beginning of this article and the matter of firewalls. Well, bear with me and I will show you just how to defeat those pesky restrictions and so-called ‘safeguards’! The fact of the matter is that they are language sensitive – in more ways than one. Whilst they are attuned to block sites using obvious obscene terms like ‘fuck’, ‘tits’, ‘rock hard erections’ and the like, they are usually only attuned to the native language of the country they are operating in. So, the solution is obvious, seek out foreign-language porn sites. It’s really easy and educational to boot – you learn lots of foreign sexual slang terms! The easiest starting point is to go to the Google translate facility, type in some sexual terms and get them translated in French, German, Italian and the like; then simply put the translation into Google as a search term. Before you know it, you’ll be knee deep in Euro-porn!

A word of warning though; avoid trying to directly translate a slang term. If, for instance, you get ‘big tits’ translated into French it comes out as ‘Les grandes mesanges’ – put that into Google and you’ll find yourself looking at some fascinating French ornithological sites. Stick to the medically-correct terms: breasts, penis, vagina, orgasm and the like – it will be far more effective. It can be a bit hit and miss at first – a lot of the French sites I initially found were very ‘arty’ – but after a while you pick up the relevant terminology and can dispense with translating English terms. Pretty soon you find a whole new world of eroticism opening up! I’ve often heard it said that mathematics is a universal language. I beg to differ, surely pornography is the only true language of the global community? Anyway, the upshot is that your workplace monitor will soon be running hot with bare bums and boobs. But a word of warning: use this knowledge wisely porn hounds – only look at the sites with beautiful people enjoying being naked. Looking for foreign kiddie filth, Chechen bestiality sites or pictures of people smearing each other with shit is not cool. That’s the kind of ugly porn I’m trying hard to move us away from! What I want to see is Britain’s office awash with the joy of pornography – enjoy it, it’s meant to be fun! Until the next time, keep it sleazy!

Doc Sleaze