Look, the truth has to be told. We can’t go on living this lie. Someone has to have the courage to come out and say it: the UK is under imminent threat from monster attacks. There, I’ve said it. I know that the government wants to keep this under wraps, I understand that they’re worried about the possibility of mass panic if this news gets out. But let’s face it, there’s no way that they can keep the cover-up going for much longer. How many ludicrous lies do they think the public will swallow? I mean, they’ve had to invent this whole nonsense about Al Qaeda to try and explain that business on the tube the other year when workmen uncovered that crashed Martian spaceship and all hell broke loose. I ask you, does anybody really believe that we’ve got all those troops in Afghanistan to try and catch some bearded cleric hiding in a cave from where he masterminds a global terror campaign, when he isn’t on dialysis, of course. Utterly preposterous. Everyone knows that the mountainous regions between Afghanistan and Pakistan are the main breeding grounds of Eastern Dragons – they have their hatcheries in the caves that the government would have you believe are crawling with Islamic fundamentalists. That’s what they’re fighting out there: dragons, not the Taliban. But as I intimated at the beginning of this editorial, the monster problem is also affecting the domestic front. Monsters are attacking us on a regular basis. Only recently London found itself the victim of a devastating assault by a giant creature that crawled out of the Thames. Oh, I know that you didn’t read about it in the newspapers or see it reported on TV, once again the government succeeded in covering it up. But only just. The fact is that, like me, you probably felt part of the attack. Personally, I was lying in bed when I felt the whole house shudder. Obviously, my first thought was that a sea monster had come up the Thames and was now devouring London, and that what I’d felt were the shock waves from Canary Wharf collapsing. At last, I thought, they’re finally going to have to admit that we’re under threat from these creatures. I rushed downstairs and switched on the TV, hoping that BBC News 24 would have live pictures of the Metropolitan Police attempting to arrest a marauding sea monster for criminal damage, disorderly conduct and breach of the peace. They’d probably also try to get it on some trumped up terrorism charges and pin several unsolved murders on the creature. Imagine my disappointment when all I got were reports of an earthquake rocking Britain. I ask you, an earthquake? In Britain? That has to be the lamest cover-up yet!

Now, I know what you are going to say here – how could the authorities possibly cover-up the kind of devastation such an attack would cause? I have one word for you in reply: Olympics. That whole building programme for the 2012 London Olympics is simply a cover to hide the colossal damage done to the capital by mobster attacks. Believe me, the government has huge resources devoted to these deceptions. At the first sign of a monster attack, their propaganda machine swings into action, disseminating disinformation and imposing D-notices so as to suppress the truth. Indeed, less than twenty four hours after the so-called ‘earthquake’, they were busy covering up yet another monster-related incident! This time it was claimed that there was a ‘fire’ at a gas terminal in Norfolk. Fire my arse – it was actually a giant octopus attack. They’re quite common at this time of year as the octopuses migrate to their spawning grounds in the Mediterranean. Anyway, no sooner had the ‘fire’ been reported, then it was claimed that it was out and the story vanished from the media, never to be mentioned again. Anywhere.. A sure sign of another cover-up, I think you’ll agree. And it has been going on for a number of years now. I’m sure everyone remembers the explosion at Buncefield a couple of years ago – they tried to blame that on an oil storage facility exploding. However, we revealed the real facts – that it was the result of an attack by a giant ape – here at The Sleaze(see Monster Mash). Sadly, it was dismissed as the demented ramblings of a lunatic. It isn’t just these attacks by giant creatures that are being hushed up. There’s the zombies too – you don’t really think that those hollow eyed derelicts with vacant stares and drooling mouths who over run our town centres on Friday and Saturday nights are binge drinkers, do you? Then there are the government’s plans for ID cards, ostensibly to help combat terrorism. What utter nonsense! The only reason they want everyone to carry ID cards is to try and foil those shape-shifters amongst us. That’s what they mean by identity theft – it isn’t some crook stealing you bank details, it is some semi-human monster taking on your appearance and personality.

It really is about time the government came clean about these monster attacks – it’s only a matter of time before somebody in the foreign media defies the embargo on reporting them and publishes pictures of that giant newt attack on Cleethorpes. After all, they had no qualms about revealing that one of the Royal Princes (I can never remember which one is which) was in Afghanistan. Actually, I can’t help but feel that even that leak was actually part of a cover-up. I mean, was it really coincidence that it broke so soon after the ‘earthquake’ and the ‘fire’? Of course not! It was simply a ploy to divert attention away from the monster attacks. Frankly, I’d have been more impressed if it had been revealed that Prince What’s-his-name had been fighting the octopus, but obviously, there’s no way they’d ever let him get that close to danger. Getting back to my main point, rather than expending all these resources on concealing the truth from the public, surely they would be better spent on properly combating the problem? Mark my words, with global warming and climate change, this sort of thing will happen a lot more, as monsters are forced to leave their traditional habitats like Japan and the US east coast, and head for Britain, instead. If the polar ice cap continues to melt, we’re in real trouble – it’s a well known fact that many giant prehistoric monsters have been trapped in glaciers and icebergs for millions of years. The government has to act now and put into place proper contingency plans to deal with this potential threat – a Ministry of Monster Defence needs to be set up now and funds allocated for the development of vital defences like ultrasonic blasters and laser cannon. It’s the only hope of survival we have! I know you probably think that I’m crazy with all this talk of monsters. But is it any crazier than believing – as the government wants you to do – that draconian restrictions on our civil liberties and atmosphere of fear and suspicion are necessary in order to protect us from a tiny number of lunatic Islamic fundamentalists? Or, as the church wants you to believe, that we’re all being watched by big white bearded man in the sky who’ll condemn you to everlasting torment in hell after you are dead if you don’t worship him and conform to a range of narrow prejudices prescribed by his priests? I know what I’d rather believe!

Doc Sleaze