Veteran entertainer and The Voice UK judge Tom Jones has been sensationally accused of decades of sexual abuse by a Glamorgan pensioner. Sixty nine year old Grandmother Myfanwy Rogered has claimed that the sex bomb of the valleys has consistently abused her over a fifty year period, with his blatant displays of male sexuality during television appearances. “Every time he was on the telly he did it,” she told the South Wales Farmers’ Gazette. “Strutting around with his bloody shirt undone, showing off his hairy chest, wiggling his hips in those tight leather trousers and thrusting his groin at the camera – it was bloody filthy! I was left feeling dirty and ashamed after every performance!” At first, she alleges, the singer would only perform his outrageous antics when she was alone in the room watching TV. “He never actually warned me not to tell anyone else what had gone on, but I know he meant it – what else could that conspiratorial wink he often gave to camera at the end of a performance have been about?” he told the newspaper. “But then he started to get quite brazen – I remember once seeing him on a TV special in the 1970s when he was on this yacht singing ‘What’s New Pussycat’, dressed only in a pair of speedos and a captain’s hat! I couldn’t take my eyes off of his package, which he kept thrusting right at me, even though the rest of my family were in the room watching him with me! I was so embarrassed, but luckily nobody else seemed to notice!”
In addition to these displays of disgusting and blatant sexuality, Rogered claims that Jones also used subliminal messages in his songs to force her to abuse herself whilst watching him on TV. “I distinctly remember hearing him tell me stick my hand down my knickers whilst he performed ‘It’s Not Unusual’,” she claims. “It was the same with his other songs – during ‘Delilah’ he told me to stick my finger up my bum. The worst was ‘What’s New Pussycat’ – I can’t begin to tell you the terrible things he made me do when he sang that. The worst thing was that I was sat on the sofa with my parents at the time. It was so embarrassing!” She is adamant that during these episodes Tom Jones was definitely watching her and deriving enjoyment from her predicament. “I could see him smirking,” she says. “Luckily, over the years he appeared less and less on TV, so he had fewer opportunities to abuse me and I was able to repress my terrible ordeal.” However, with Jones’ return to regular prime time TV as a judge on The Voice, she found herself confronted with her past. “I couldn’t believe he was still at it, despite his advanced years,” she claimed. “The first time he swivelled round in that chair, he gave me such a leer I had an involuntary orgasm so powerful that I dropped my knitting! It was horrible – all the past abuse came flooding back and I knew I had to speak out about it, before he uses his sexual power on other innocent viewers!”
Tom Jones and his management have so far declined to comment on the newspaper article, although a spokesperson for his fan club described the allegations as ‘utter bollocks’ with no foundation in reality. Nevertheless, Rogered’s allegations have prompted several other Welsh pensioners to come forward with their ‘recovered memories’ of terrible abuse at the crooner’s hands. “Bloody Hell, boyo, it was terrible, it went on for years in my own bloody home,” sobbed former miner Rhodri Prodwyn, in an interview with a local radio station. “Every time he was on the telly – which was every bloody day back in the 1970s – he’d start! Wearing those tight trousers and thrusting his manhood at me through the screen! We only had a black and white TV, but that didn’t stop him!” Prodwyn claims that being exposed to Jones’ gratuitous displays of exaggerated masculinity throughout his childhood had a profound and detrimental effect on his sexual development. “I grew up thinking that was what a real man should be like – all chest hair, medallions and skimpy swimming trunks, coming on to anything with a pulse, whether they wanted it or not,” he explained to listeners of the radio station. “Not surprisingly, I’ve ended up with a string of broken marriages and failed relationships – and it’s all that bastard Tom Jones’ fault!”
Another retired miner, Glyn Llobblers, has also claimed that Tom Jones caused him severe trauma during his childhood, resulting in sexual confusion in adulthood. “His masculinity was just so powerful, I couldn’t resist it – several times I caught myself furtively masturbating during his TV appearances! The bastard egged me on as well, with all those sly knowing winks he kept giving me through the TV screen,” he told his local free newspaper in Newport. “Ultimately, he just made me feel inadequate. As I grew up, I knew I could never compete with Tom in the manliness stakes – what chance would I ever stand with the birds as long as a vision of pure manhood as Tom Jones was out there, rampaging through the female population?” Consequently, Llobblers made a life-changing decision when her turned sixteen. “I turned gay – I figured that blokes had lower standards like, so I’d be more likely to pull,” he claimed in the newspaper story. “Trouble was, not only were the local gay population more picky than I expected, I found I just didn’t fancy blokes. I’ve endured decades of unsatisfying sexual encounters as a result of that bloody Tom Jones!” Despite these revelations, police have confirmed that they have no plans to question Tom Jones.
Septuagenarian Jones isn’t the only celebrity of pensionable age to have recently fallen foul of historical sex abuse claims. Rolf Harris, Dave Lee Travis and Stuart Hall have been amongst the highest profile stars involved, all arrested as a result of Operation Yewtree, the police investigation launched in the wake of last year’s revelations about the late Jimmy Savile’s sexual depredations. Most recently, veteran Coronation Street star William ‘Cock’ Roach – who had spent much of the preceding twelve months boasting about his sixty-odd years of sexual conquests – found himself unexpectedly arrested for the alleged rape of a fifteen year old girl in 1967. Professor Bob Mincer, of the Barnet Institute of Knitwear Research, has expressed some controversial views on this spate of allegations. “Isn’t it bloody obvious? These allegations are simply the result of the overheated sexual fantasies of sad lonely bastards who aren’t getting enough,” he opined from the lounge bar of his local pub. “They’re projecting their sexual frustrations onto their favourite TV stars and blaming them for their inadequacies. Frankly, it would probably do them all the world of good if Tome Jones did give them all a bloody good seeing to!” Professor Mincer’s comments have been roundly condemned in all quarters.