“Look, here in the UK we don’t have to worry about coronavirus or global warming, for that matter, because we’ve got Boris Johnson in charge. I mean, what could possibly go wrong with him in Number Ten?” declares Tory MP Ian Clencher, in a spirited defence of the government’s faltering and sometimes contradictory policy to deal with the Covid-19 pandemic. “Damn it, someone as virile as him will surely pull us through, won’t they? His potency can’t be in doubt, can it, with yet another woman pregnant?” For many others, however, the announcement that Johnson is to be a father again – although it remains unclear whether this is child number eight, or nine, even he doesn’t seem to know – is one of the most depressing things to have happened this year. “If nothing else, it seems to imply that there are a surprising number of women in the UK with self-esteem low enough to let a horrible bigot and wobbling tub of lard like Johnson sleep with them,” laments Labour MP Dawn Trench. “For God’s sake, surely no self-respecting women wouldn’t go near that pile of shit, let alone let him touch them, or, worse, have sex with them!  Yet there seem to be a surprising number of women with a sufficient lack of self-esteem to be willing to get in bed with Boris!” Indeed, that last point – the fact that we now know for sure that Johnson has had sex with a living woman – seems to have created widespread revulsion in some sections of the British public.

“Let’s face it, the very idea conjures up the most horrendous mental images,” notes Trench. “Jesus, can you picture it – all those wobbling buttocks and that grunting and gasping as the fat bastard runs out of breath. At the very least, you’d think that the effort might have caused him a massive stroke, thereby sparing us his whole premiership.” Leading opposition figures, though, believe that this revulsion could provide them with the key to creating a sure fire Boris-beating political campaign. “Obviously, this is going to be something for the future – possibly the next election in four or five years time. Certainly, we’ll have to wait until this pandemic is over,” explains top Labour spin doctor Arnie Hole. “But that gives us plenty of time to fine tune our campaign. Which means that whoever the new Labour leader is – probably Kier Starmer, as anyone else would be political suicide – will be able to deploy an absolute humdinger of a campaign.”

Hole believes that the mental image of Boris Johnson shagging some poor unfortunate woman is just so obnoxious, not to mention distressing, that the Labour Party has to make it the centre of their next election campaign. “Basically, I’m convinced that the next leader needs to commission a party political broadcast which recreates the shagging session which conceived Boris’ latest child,” he says. “Graphic scenes of some sweaty fat ape like brute relentlessly pounding some poor woman – all those rolls of fat threatening to engulf her as he desperately tries to penetrate her with a half mast erection, (I’m sure someone that obese couldn’t get it fully up, not only that, but he probably hasn’t seen his own penis in twenty years at least, he’s so fat).” Hole defends the potential use of an opponent’s personal life as the basis of negative campaigning, rejecting unequivocally accusations that, in stooping to ridicule Johnson’s perceived sexual inadequacies for political gain, he is resorting to school yard name calling. “Politics has long gone past the point of being about competing policies,” he opines. “Nowadays it is all about image, about personalities, about whether you’d be happy to shagged by a particular candidate, or whether you think they’ll fuck you up the arse and never call back. That’s what we’re trying to do here: let people know, if you get into bed with Boris, not only will the bed break, but he’ll probably smother you as well.”

While the finished product would use lookalikes to portray Johnson and his victim/partner, Hole and his team have already produced a pilot version using CGI. “The test screenings have yielded encouraging results,” he reveals. “Test audiences were throwing up, those that weren’t hiding behind their sofas, that is. They registered a mix of disgust and terror after seeing the test version. A big part of the terror was apparently induced by Boris’ sex noises – we dubbed in a mix of the sound of an elephant seal coming and the screams of a baboon being castrated. That, along with the veritable ocean of fat swilling around, gave the whole thing a sort of Lovecraftian horror vibe.” But it wasn’t just the wobbling fat and terrifying soundtrack tat repulsed audiences. “Right from the start, when our Johnson enters the room starkers, twirling his limp dick around, the test audiences were looking away and whimpering with revulsion,” Hole recalls. “When he jumps on the woman lying on the bed, some of them were racing for door, desperately trying to get out of the screening room.” While Hole had expected women to be more repulsed than men, he was pleased to find that negative reactions were evenly spread across both sexes. “Pretty much equal numbers of men and women told us that they wanted to poke their eyes out, rather than see more of Johnson’s ‘love-making’” he muses. “Which is very promising – it really does look as if we can disgust people into voting for someone – anyone – rather than Boris Johnson.”

Hole believes that the finished product – using actors – be be far more polished and even harder hitting. “The way we see it, just as the faux Boris Johnson reaches the vinegar stroke, we can cut to some Labour luvvie – David Tennant or Eddie Izzard – asking the audience ‘Really, is this what you voted for? Do really want this sort of thing going on in Number Ten? Stop enabling this sort of horrible sex and cruelty to women by voting Labour’,” he enthuses. “At which point we cut to some soft-focus footage of silver smoothy Kier Starmer turning on the charm, whispering sweet nothings to potential voters, reassuring them that if they vote for him, then he’ll treat them gently – definitely no anal – and use protection. Trust me, it’s a winner.”