In what is being hailed as a major breakthrough in the treatment of sexual psychoses, a Wiltshire hospital is piloting a scheme whereby convicted sex offenders will actually be allowed to molest ‘victims’ under controlled conditions. “We were inspired by the success of the pilot programme in Staffordshire, where self-harming patients were given razor blades by the hospital and allowed to cut themselves under supervision,” explains Dr Graham Willicock, Clinical Director at the Malborough hospital pioneering the scheme. “By providing sex offenders referred to us for treatment by the courts with opportunities to safely ‘offend’ under careful supervision, we hope to be able to safely control their anti-social urges.” Whilst the proposals have left many in the medical profession aghast, Willicock insists that it is based on sound scientific principles. “Like the ‘safe-cutting’ initiative, it is firmly based on homeopathic practice – the idea of treating like with like,” says Willicock. “A ‘diluted’ form of whatever’s causing the illness is often the best cure! Just look at the self-harm programme: whereas some of those patients would have been hacking off limbs by now, as a result of being allowed to inflict small cuts on themselves, they’re instead only slicing off the odd fingertip or toe!” Based on early research results, Willicock is confident similar results can be achieved with even the most hardened sex offenders. “We’ve already carried out some trials where we’ve allowed a group of low-level sex offenders – gropers, flashers and voyeurs, mainly – to molest inflatable sex dolls under laboratory conditions,” he claims. “The results have been very encouraging, with significant decline in the number of offences they committed when subsequently released. One subject, for instance, had previously been convicted four times for dropping his trousers and publicly masturbating on the top decks of buses; after being allow to ejaculate over the plastic breasts of an inflatable woman three times a week for a month, he was able to confine himself to simply whipping out his plonker in public parks. A marked improvement, I think you’ll agree!” Willicock claims that there have been no shortage of volunteer victims since the trial was announced. “Obviously, we’ll only be using people who are ‘up for it’ – you’d be surprised how many nymphomaniacs, sex-starved housewives and frustrated geeks whose sexual fantasies include being groped and ogled by men in dirty raincoats there are out there,” he says. “They’ll all be paid, of course, on a sliding scale according to the degree of molestation involved: twenty quid for a simple grope, for example, compared to a hundred for penetration, say! If nothing else, that should guarantee we attract the prostitutes, rent boys, homeless and students!”

Willicock insists that the volunteers will not be exposed to any real danger, as all the therapy sessions will be closely monitored by medical staff. “At the first sign of it getting out of hand, a team of specially trained nurses armed with tranquiliser guns and electric cattle prods will enter the therapy room,” he explains. “The sex offender will be given a clear warning to cease all sexual activity – if he fails to voluntarily lay down his penis, the nurses are under strict orders to disarm him!” The therapy rooms will be designed to replicate, as closely as possible, the normal molesting environment favoured by individual offenders. “We have one mocked up to look like a park, for instance, with bushes for concealment, a bench, fake grass, even a mini kiddies playground in one corner,” Willicock enthuses. “The whole place is rigged with concealed microphones and cameras, and the whole session will be observed by psychotherapists from behind one-way glass.” However, much of the medical profession remains appalled by the programme. “This scheme amounts to nothing more than a state-funded theme park for sexual deviants – every flasher, panty-sniffer, bottom pincher, rapist and general pervert will be flocking to the hospital,” warns Dr Donald Clincher of the British Medical Association (BMA). “As far as I can see, this scheme has no clinical value whatsoever. It’s bloody obvious that these perverts will offend less in the outside world when the clinic lays it on for them with no prospect of arrest or punishment!” Clincher fears that the scheme could, in the long term, actually increase the threat posed to the public by its subjects. “By using two sets of deviants to satisfy each other’s perversions, there is a very real danger that it will fuel the imaginations of both offenders and ‘victims’, encouraging both groups to explore new areas of deviancy,” he opines. “If this programme is allowed to proceed then it is surely simply a matter of time before a ‘critical mass’ of perversion is reached in the minds of the participants, and society is rocked by an explosion of new deviancy!” Clincher points to the results of a similar experiment run in Sweden to support his arguments. “A few years ago a Stockholm clinic allowed convicted sex offenders to molest animals as part of their therapy,” he says. “Whilst there was a short-term reduction in normal sex attacks on women in the city, in the long-term there was a significant rise in offences in which the victims were forced to dress as cows, dogs, even chickens, before being sexually assaulted!”

Nevertheless, despite the BMA’s scepticism, the scheme has the backing of the government. “Any scheme which provides headlines about taking dangerous perverts off of the streets and reducing the risks of them reoffending deserves support, regardless of whether or not it has any sound scientific basis,” declares junior Health Minister Julian Spume. “What do these scientists and doctors know anyway, with their nonsense about facts and clinical testing? Give me good sound anecdotal evidence provided by the average bloke in the street, rather than statistical mumbo jumbo from some egghead, any day!” Indeed, so enthusiastic about the scheme is the Health Ministry, that it is already exploring the possibility of establishing similar treatment regimes for other types of offender. “The obvious group to target next for treatment would be paedophiles – they’d provide the best headlines,” says Spume. “Of course, we wouldn’t use real children as their faux ‘victims’ in therapy – we did consider using shaved chimps as a substitute, but our focus groups showed that wouldn’t play well with the animal rights crowd!” Instead, the Ministry is planning to use dwarves and midgets as child substitutes in the paedophile therapy trials. “Dressed in the right clothes and viewed in a dim light, some of them make quite convincing kiddies,” he muses. “Besides, there’s no significant dwarf and midget lobby in Parliament.” In what is sure to be a highly controversial move, Spume has revealed that the government is even considering this type of therapy to treat murderers and psychopaths. “If we can supply them with willing victims, we’ll be able to slash the homicide rate nationally and empty the prisons of lifers,” he enthuses. “Just think of the annual savings if we don’t have to keep giving them bed and board at Her Majesty’s Pleasure!” Clearly, the main stumbling block to instituting such a scheme is the question of where to source the murder ‘victims’. “We briefly considered the homeless. It would have got them off the streets to provide a useful social function, but that would have risked cutting of the supply of ‘victims’ for the sexual molestation programme,” he explains. “Instead, we’ve decided to reactivate the Voluntary Euthanasia Bill – this time it will have the proviso that the only form that ‘assisted dying’ can take for the terminally ill, is to be used as a ‘victim’ in this programme! We intend selling it on the basis that it is a form of giving your body to medical science, except that you’re alive at the time!”