One woman’s incredible allegation’s of white slavery, sex dungeons and prostitution have rocked Downing Street. Twenty-eight year old Martha Wagtail has told viewers of ITV’s weekday freak fest the Jeremy Kyle Show, of how Chancellor Gordon Brown had prowled the streets of Soho, procuring young women for visiting foreign leaders and businessmen. “He lured me into his Ministerial limousine with promises of substantial investments in my assets,” sobbed Wagtail, who had found herself lost and homeless in the capital after leaving her Harwich caravan park home in search of fame and fortune in London. “The next thing I knew, he was pressing a chloroform soaked rag over my face and bundling me into the boot!” When she awoke, Wagtail found herself chained and naked in a dank and cold dungeon deep beneath 11 Downing Street, where – along with dozens of fellow captive girls – she found herself forced to perform in depraved bondage parties for the benefit of visiting industrialists and politicians. “They paid big money to Brown in order to indulge their every whim,” claimed a clearly still traumatised Wagtail. “They expected their money’s worth, and got it! That dungeon was fully equipped with torture devices: racks, stocks, nipple clamps, the lot!” At this point Wagtail became hysterical, and had to be slapped around the face by host Jeremy Kyle before she could continue the story of her excursion into perversion. “Gordon Brown presided over these parties personally. He’d be naked from the waist up, save for a black leather bondage mask,” wailed the buxom blonde. “If we resisted he’d give us a severe whipping – the money that dungeon generated was vital to his economic plans! How else do you think he managed to finance successive increases in public spending?” In addition to these parties for powerful foreign visitors, the dungeon also played host to ‘Members Only’ events, at which Labour Party sympathisers and donors would make substantial ‘donations’ in exchange for fulfilling their wildest sexual fantasies. “They had a sliding scale of payment: anything from a fifty quid schoolgirl spanking session to a full on Roman orgy for ten thousand. Anything went for donations of over a million quid – I remember seeing them bringing livestock in for one well-known tycoon,” Wagtail explained to an appalled Jeremy Kyle. “They’d already bought honours for cash, so I suppose bizarre sex was the only thing left to sell them!” Wagtail recalled one elderly peer of the realm suffering a fatal asthma attack during his million pound fantasy, which had involved a specially-imported tribe of African pygmies and several gallons of salad cream. “They just stuck his body at the back of the House of Lords – everyone just assumed he’d died during a debate on subsidies for the British ground nuts industry.”

Although Gordon Brown declined an invitation to appear on the show and answer Wagtail’s allegations, a former Treasury official did agree to take part. “I’ve never heard such a load of rubbish in my life – it is absolutely ludicrous to accuse Gordon Brown of financing Britain’s economic boom with the proceeds of prostitution,” said fifty two year old retired civil servant Barry Tupp, before being interrupted by host Jeremy Kyle. “Are you seriously asking me to believe that a naïve young former prostitute and drug addict could make up something as fantastic as this?” demanded Kyle, red faced with anger. “For God’s sake, she’s too bloody simple! She’s just a couple of steps up from a drooling imbecile! Do you honestly expect us to believe that – in all your years as senior Treasury official – you never attended a sex orgy in a dungeon beneath Downing Street? We’re not stupid, you know!” Tupp’s attempts to answer were again interrupted by a furious Kyle pointing to the show’s title on the back of the set and shouting, “Listen pal, it says Jeremy Kyle up there, not Barry Tupp! It’s my show and you’ll bloody well hear me out!” Tupp found himself pinioned in his chair by two security guards as he attempted to get up and walk off of the set, and forced to listen to the host’s tirade. “People like you – people who exploit innocent young girls for gain – disgust me,” he shouted, the audience baying for blood behind him. “We know who’s telling the truth here – this girl has passed a lie detector test! And that’s scientific proof! Although, obviously, it isn’t actually considered reliable enough to be used as evidence in a court of law. But it’s good enough for me, you bloody pervert!” At this point the audience stormed the stage, kicking and pummelling a helpless Tupp. “That’s the end of part one,” announced Kyle as, behind him, the mob dragged Tupp, kicking and screaming, off stage. “When we come back, Martha will be telling us of how she escaped her bondage after she was sold to the harem of perverted Deputy Prime Minister John Prescott! Don’t go away!”

Many political commentators claim that it comes as no surprise to learn that Labour’s economic miracle has been funded by the proceeds of prostitution. “What do people expect? If the electorate won’t tolerate higher taxes, the government has to find some alternative means to pay for all those improved services they do demand,” opines Professor Harold Crouton of the Staines School of Economics. “I know that for many middle class voters the thought that their Granny’s hip replacement was funded by a blow job, or that their children’s school computers were paid for by some full on up-the-arse action, might seem repugnant, but they just have to be realistic.” Not surprisingly, opponents of the government have been quick to seize upon Wagtail’s allegations, claiming that they are further proof of the corruption which lies at its heart. “There have been rumours of sex and drugs parties for years,” says top political blogger Gary Futter. “But this is the first time a credible eyewitness has been willing to go on the record!” According to Futter, since it’s election in 1997, the Blair administration has been characterised by a descent into decadence and debauchery. “Don’t be fooled by Blair’s pious public image – all happy families and Christian morals – behind closed doors it’s all been wife swapping and bondage,” asserts the blogger. “Several top civil servants have approached me anonymously – usually in bus queues or strip bars – to tell me that most cabinet meetings are simply drug-fuelled orgies, with the likes of John Prescott and Margaret Beckett stripping naked and dancing on the table! Is it any wonder we ended up invading Iraq?” Despite having their resources stretched to breaking point by the War on Terror, the Metropolitan Police have promised to fully investigate Wagtail’s allegations. “We take such allegations of misconduct in public life very seriously,” the Met’s Commissioner told a press conference. “We’re already in the process of obtaining search warrants for properties in Downing Street and expect to be interviewing several Cabinet members under caution very soon.” Jeremy Kyle, meanwhile, has a more direct solution. “I’m challenging you, Gordon Brown, to come on this programme and have the guts to face your victim,” he announced, as he signed off his show. “I’m warning you now, though, if you do have the nerve to come on, I don’t think I’ll be able to stop myself from punching your lights out! Bastard!”