With Stuart Hall already banged up for sex offences and several other once beloved British celebrities facing the possibility of serious jail time for their alleged sex crimes, we thought perhaps it might be an opportune time to pose the question – ‘Who’s the Daddy?’ As we at The Sleaze are sure you all know, the term originates with male prison inmates, the ‘daddy’ being the one ‘on top’ in any meaningful behind bars relationship. Now, we did consider exploring which celebrity jailbirds might have been the ‘daddy’ whilst inside. (Amongst politicians Jeffrey Archer’s public school experiences would undoubtedly put him in a good position, whilst Jonathan Aitkin seems a definite submissive. From the acting fraternity, cheeky Johnny Vaughn’s schoolboy japester persona would undoubtedly guarantee him a lower berth, Stephen Fry is, without question, a bitch, whilst Hollywood hard man and sometime Mike Hammer impersonator Stacy Keach – with or without his hairpiece – is a daddy if ever we saw one). We also gave considerable thought to speculating as to which non-jailbird celebrities, if they were ever banged up, would be the butch and which would be the bitch if they shared a cell. There’s no doubt, for instance, that cockney geezer Ray Winstone would be the ‘daddy’ if he was in a cell with wannabe geezer Danny Dyer. But what about slap headed hardman Jason Statham and former footballing tough guy Vinnie Jones – who would come out on top (so to speak) if they were doing a ten stretch in a six by six prison cell?

However, the potential for libel actions seemed far too high. Instead, we thought we’d try to get to the bottom (quite literally, in fact) of the mystery which has perplexed prison inmates throughout the ages – which readily available household object gives the greatest satisfaction when inserted into one’s jacksie. Bottles are (according to our sources) the most popular and accessible anal accessories. But is there any one type of bottle that is favoured above all others? Whilst Grolsch might be the ‘daddy’ amongst beers, it definitely isn’t rated too highly by convicts – that elaborate stopper with all the wire around it has the potential to cause serious damage to even the most hardened of bottoms. (That said, if you could open such a bottle with your arse, then we’re certain you’d be ‘the daddy’ anywhere, not just prison). In fact, beer bottles generally are considered unsatisfactory – the stubbies favoured by cheap supermarket brands and Australians are apparently too short, whilst the standard 330ml-400ml types are generally considered to be far too bland and uninteresting. Soft drink bottles are a better proposition, with the old-style glass coke bottle coming very highly rated – those curves and that slender neck make for a great rear-end experience.

However, beware those new-fangled plastic bottles – they can easily warp and collapse when you least expect it. Sauce bottles also come highly recommended – none other than Reggie Kray himself was said to favour a regular squeeze of brown sauce with his breakfast. Spray cans are allegedly the most popular alternative to bottles, with Pledge cleaning spray being very popular, although its smooth and regular sides mean that it can be very difficult to extricate. Obviously, the lid should be left on when utilising these cans, in order to avoid serious damage. Naked flames should also be avoided (particularly when butane cans used for refilling lighters are being used), in order to minimise the risk of serious burns or even explosions.

In the absence of bottles or cans, inmates can always fall back on those old favourites of fruit and vegetables – there’s no beating a good cucumber or carrot (so we’re told). Obviously, other vegetables, such as cabbages or melons might prove more problematic. But, again, the ability to accommodate something of that size in your jacksie would surely guarantee being the ‘daddy’ on any prison wing. Some things which should never be pressed into service are electrical appliances such as curling tongs – particularly if they are plugged in. Rumours still abound as to the internal third degree burns a certain notorious serial killer inflicted upon himself in this way, requiring extensive skin grafting.

So, what do you think is tops when it comes to penal sex games? Are Daddy’s sauce bottles the ‘daddy’, or does HP have the edge? Brown sauce or Tomato Ketchup? Carlsberg or Grolsch? Coke or Pepsi? Tell you what, send us your top ten, in order of preference and we’ll compare it with the top ten compiled by our panel of celebrity jailbird judges (which includes Lester Piggot, Mike Tyson and Gary Glitter). If it matches their choices you could win a fabulous prize (but probably not). In the unlikely event of dead heat, successful contestants will have to correctly answer the following tie-breaker in order to select a winner: In which film does Ben Affleck take it up the Khyber? Good luck!

(Actually, please don’t send us any such lists – there is no competition, it’s just a joke).