A tabloid newspaper is claiming that newly uncovered documents reveal that former Radio One DJ Jimmy Savile’s sex crimes were far more extensive, not to mention shocking, than previously suspected. “It’s incredible, but old Scotland Yard witness statements from the 1880s, discovered by an amateur historian, describe a prime suspect in the Jack the Ripper murders as smoking a cigar, wearing gold jewellery and saying ‘Now then, now then’ as he approached his victims!” says The Shite‘s Deputy Editor, Ken Skanks. “As unbelievable as it might seem, the only conclusion we can draw from this is that, somehow, Jimmy Savile travelled back in time to Victorian London to become Britain’s most notorious sex murderer!” The documents – allegedly discovered at a car boot sale by amateur historian Harry Towsler – purport to be a series of statements from eyewitnesses to the heinous crimes of Saucy Jack, apparently taken by a police officer attached to the original investigation. “It seems that he retained copies of the original statements for his own purposes and these were passed down through his family until they ended up in the car boot sale,” the forty nine year old Walthamstow bricklayer claims in tomorrow’s edition of The Shite. “They make fascinating reading – one witness, a prostitute, claims to have had a narrow escape, alerted to the Ripper’s approach by the jangling of his gold jewellery!”
Despite Ripper experts pointing out that Scotland Yard has no records of these statements and that, in fact, the Ripper was never identified because there were no witnesses to his killings, Skanks stands by his paper’s story. He even believes that they can explain how Savile was able to commit the Ripper murders before he was even born. “He had a time machine – possibly made for him by Jeremy Beadle,” he reveals. “We know that Beadle – a mechanical genius as well as a notorious TV prankster – constructed the infamous ‘Rape Robot‘ for Savile, which the sex fiend used to molest women when he was becoming too old and infirm to do it himself. So it isn’t beyond the realms of possibility that Beadle also devised some sort of time travel device for Savile.” However, like the ‘Rape Robot’, no trace has been found of a time machine amongst the late DJ’s effects. “That doesn’t prove anything – it’s probably been impounded by the government at some secret laboratory,” Skanks says. “There’s no way they’d want people to know that a mega-pervert like Savile had access to time travel technology – think of the panic it would cause. They’ve undoubtedly suppressed the Scotland Yard records of those witness interviews for the same reason. As for the ‘Rape Robot’, we have good reason to believe that, following Savile’s death, it ran amok and is still on the rampage – but, as usual, the authorities are hushing its crimes up!”
A former journalist at The Shite‘s main rival, the Daily Norks, believes that the Savile-Ripper connection is one last desperate attempt to wring circulation from the whole celebrity sex scandal story, which, he believes is running out of steam. “The fact is that there have been so many revelations about Savile’s depravities and so many seventies TV personalities investigated for appalling sex crimes, the public have become numbed to the whole business,” opines Roger Humpstock, now a freelance journalist, but until recently a staff writer for the Daily Norks‘ features department. “Celebrity sex crime stories just aren’t shifting papers any more. Look at these Cliff Richard allegations – you’d think that there would be mass hysteria on the back of Britain’s holiest, most clean-living, pop star being accused of buggering boys at a Billy Graham meeting, wouldn’t you? But, since Rolf Harris was sent down for sex offences, people simply aren’t shocked by such things any more.” Public indifference to celebrity sex crime stories is wreaking havoc with newspapers’ publishing schedules, Humpstock believes. “I know for a fact that the Daily Norks has a whole Cliff Richard expose ready to roll as soon as he’s charged,” he says. “It’s really elaborate, claiming that, during the early sixties, he spent his summers driving around Europe in a red London double decker bus, propositioning young men. They claim he would ask them if they were ‘going all the way’, before inviting them onto his ‘top deck’ to have their ‘ticket punched’. But not only is there no sign of the police charging him, but there’s just no public interest in the case. They’ve had to shelve the story indefinitely.”
Humpstock admits that he has also been forced to put his own Cliff Richard story on the back burner due to reader indifference. “I’ve hawked it around all of the major tabloids and most of the celebrity magazines, but nobody is interested,” he explains. “Believe me, it would have blown The Shite‘s Savile-Ripper story out of the water, as I have evidence that the Ripper was, in fact, Cliff Richard. And there’s none of that time machine nonsense involved to undermine the story’s credibility! Believe me, just a couple of months ago, editors would have been biting my hand off for a story like this!” According to Humpstock, sources close to the singer have told him that Richard is actually nearly two hundred years old. “Apparently, he was born in the 1820s, the secret to his longevity has been to bathe in the ejaculations of virginal young boys at regular intervals,” the reporter says. “Obviously, to try and conceal his extraordinary lifespan and less than salubrious activities, he’s been forced to construct several different activities over the years – Cliff Richard is just the latest.” An unfortunate side-effect of Cliff Richard’s longevity treatment are occasional bouts of homicidal insanity, Humpstock claims. “It’s something to do with the hormones in all that boy jism,” he believes. “I’m not sure of the details, but it is a scientific fact. Anyway, every so many years he’s driven to kill – the Ripper murders were the first such phase.”
Skanks and The Shite, meanwhile, refuse to accept that they are flogging a dead horse with their latest Jimmy Savile story and are currently exploring its ramifications. “If he could travel anywhere in time, then it could be that Jimmy Savile was actually every notorious murderer and sex offender in Britain’s history,” he enthuses. “We’re currently looking at photographs and witness accounts of scores of historical murder and rape cases – this story could run for years!” The story’s source, Harry Towsler, has announced that he has uncovered more hitherto unknown historical documents, this time from behind a radiator in Hampton Court, which he claims will throw new light on the Queen Mother’s career as an undercover MI6 operative, including her seduction of Josef Stalin, Chairman Mao and Fidel Castro. He has strenuously denied that the ‘documents’ are actually a school exercise book, its contents written in green biro.